Dear Bastard
by Where're Teh Twinkies
Summary: Romano's insulting letters to everyday idiots, from the mutt next door to the bowl of fruit in his kitchen. It's like watching - or reading - a train wreck, but instead of screaming in horror, you're screaming in laughter. So are the other countries; but could Lovino possibly win the heart of the bastards who read his blog? Could he win over a husband, too?
1. Warnings

**Dear Bastard Reading This,**

So you're gonna read these damn things, are you? Dammit, you suck.

Then I guess I'll fucking put up some damn warnings: **Explicit Warning**. Yeah, because I cuss. A lot. And you can't stop me, you bastard.

I guess I'll rate the damn thing PG-13—for you idiots who are gonna keep reading these damn things. I swear, my damn neighbor, Twinkies, wants to ruin me, that bastard.

This is gonna be hell for me.

You're a bastard,

Lovino Vargas/Romano

PS: Read at your own damn risk, bastard. I warned your damn ass.


	2. Dog Bastard

**Dear Neighbor With Dog Bastard,**

Keep your damn dog from digging up my garden, you bastard! I know it's him, I saw him on my new 8000 Euro monitor. I bet you didn't think I had that kind of money. Well, I do, bastard.

I saw your damn dog digging up my tomatoes last week. Yes, I'm the one who sent you that ransom letter, and the second I get my hands on that stupid mutt I will charge you 5000000 for him! It you are a frugal bastard I will duck tape your damn mutt to the bottom of that potato bastard's tank, you bastard! Bet you won't be going to a dog show for years, and I bet you're Swiss, too.

Go to hell,

Lovino Vargas

Ps: Your mutt's new name is Mutt Bastard. You're welcome.

PPS: I'm going to let my turtle out to shit on your damn mutt.


	3. Celebrity Bastard

**Dear Celebrity Bastard,**

No, I have not sent this because I want your damn autograph or because I want any damn 8x10 photo of your head. If you send something like that I will burn it and curse you, you bastard. I've sent this to you because I want to tell you how much of a bastard you are.

So a couple people know your pathetically abnormal name that you probably came up with yourself just to sound cool, how fucking wonderful. Well, I love bursting your bubble, but you are NOT sexy when you strut around with your damn sunglasses that you secretly bought at the Dollar General or with those pathetic short shorts that show your unappealing ass. Just because you make a million a year does NOT mean you can go around dating losers like you who are sometimes overweight and make fun of them behind their backs. I'm sure they'd love you a lot more if you were a damn plate of french-fries.

I'm sure some people are stupid enough to like you but I'm not going to waste my time on a dropout like you who worked at K-Mart half your life until some Hollywood bastard decided you had 'the look' on that pulire you call a 'face.' Looks more like the backside of a yak to me, or did you just get out of rehab?

Si prega di chiedere per la chirurgia plastica,

Lovino Vargas

PS: Get a nose job while you're at it.

PSS: Ti maledico. Si crescere una unibrow. Questo è in italiano, in modo da non capirlo. Vai all'inferno.


	4. Add Bastards

**Dear Ad Bastards,**

No one gives a damn about you, you ad bastard! Your in my fucking way, and watching you makes me so sick I don't even WANT to watch Youtube anymore! All I want to do is watch those damn Pewdiepie videos, but you damn ads keep getting in my way! No one gives a damn about your link to your search sight because we have something better, and it's called Google. If you want to pop up, then go pop up on some other bastard's page or on Opera! No one likes you!

And if you bastards keep showing up, I'll sick my damn turtle on you! Get a fucking life and GET OFF MY COMPUTER, BASTARDS!

Un-fucking-cearly,

Lovino Vargas

PS: Screw Jersey Shore, Italy is better.

PSS: Stop with the insurance already! So I don't have a fucking car, don't rub it in my face, bastards!


	5. Metal Bastards

**Dear Metal Bastards.**

You are so fucking annoying when you idiots play your damn music unnecessarily loud and bang your heads to it. YOU ARE NOT COOL. You look like a bunch of pansy ass three-year-olds who had too much coffee. You're fucking squirrels on steroids. Those haven't been cool since the 70's, so if you want to act like a bunch of bastards, get a fucking time machine or go hang out with Lohan Bastard!

And your hair! You could go fishing with those spikes! How the hell do you get a girlfriend with those turn-offs? Oh wait, you don't, you bastards. I wouldn't be surprised if you piss your bed every night. You're too young to be 'hard-core,' you don't even fucking know what that means!

If you come by my house with your damn stereo busting up my damn eardrums one more time I'm going to chain you to a church! Enjoy their music instead of ruining my life with yours!

Vaffanculo,

Lovino Vargas

PS: You look gay with your pink hair. What normal bastard dies their Mohawk pink?

PSS: Grow a beard or something. You could at least pass yourself off as a fucking Amish or something half-normal..


	6. Ghost Baxxx

**Dear Ghost Bastard,**

Stop haunting my house, you damn ghost bastard! If no one else wants your stupid cold presence what the hell makes you think I do? Because of you I can't go to the bathroom and take a piss because I know you're going to try something on me! No, I don't want to play a damn game of hide-and-go seek! What the hell are you, a serial killer?

I'm sure you can find a hundred other people to haunt instead of me, like that damn mutt bastard next door or that old man bastard down the street who talks to his garbage cans every Saturday. That old man is obviously lonely every trash pick-up day, so go flirt with him instead! YOU'RE NOT CUTE WITH YOUR WASTED EYES LIKE ONE OF THOSE FREAK 70'S BASTARDS AND YOUR BLEEDING ASS. Do you want me to feel sorry for you? Fuck you, and fuck your mother!

Drop Dead,

Lovino Vargas

PS: Stop moving my turtle food! If you do it again, I will personally send you to hell!

PSS: I called Brother Lawrence and if you don't pack your shit in two days and get the hell out, HE'LL be sending you to hell. Bastard.


	7. Waitress Bastard

**Dear Waitress Bastard,**

I'm sick and tired of your bullshit! You keep 'accidentally' dropping your damn orders on me and 'accidentally' tripping on Antonio! Do it again and I will drop you, all right. I will drop kick your head, bastard! LEAVE ANTONIO ALONE, BASTARD!

He is MY boyfriend, and you have GOT to have the IQ of Larry the Cable Guy if you think your damn implants are going to impress him. Here's some advice: become a nun. You're not going to get a damn boyfriend with an ass plastered to your face like that, bastard.

And if you drop your damn lighter down my shirt again I will light you on fire personally. And stop dropping tomatoes all over the damn floor! What the fuck did they ever do to you? Give up, they're way too fucking good for you!

Prendi una vita,

Lovino Vargas

PS: I'm Italiano, I can take you any day, bastard!

PSS: If you show this letter to Antonio, I will exorcise you, too, bastard.


	8. Snooki Bastard

**Dear Snooki Bastard,**

I would rather go to hell than watch another show of a bunch of fake tan bastards hit on your damn implants. All you do is walk around in heels you can't even walk in! It should be fucking illegal to walk around as incredibly stupid as you do!

And that fake tan! Does everyone on that show have a tan as fake as yours? It's disgusting! You and your damn Jersey bastards should get the death penalty for something that gross! I have a rotten tomato in my kitchen that looks better than you!

Drop dead,

Lovino Vargas

PS: Maybe I should write to all your Jersey bastards and explain to them the extent of how STUPID THEY LOOK AND HOW STUPID THEY ALWAYS WILL BE, THOSE BASTARDS!


	9. American Bastard

**Dear American Bastard,**

I don't understand your fucking immigration system. Why the hell do you let bastards in without documents of without going through the procedure? And how the hell does that whole thing work, anyway, dammit? I once went through that damn procedure and my turtle and I still got deported! You don't make any fucking sense!

And your medical is shit. My brother went there last year and got hit by some bastard with no insurance and HE had to pay for both his medical records and that other bastard's, too! That no-insurance bastard wasn't even hurt! Feliciano had a broken leg and two broken fingers! Your medical system fucking SUCKS!

Fottiti,

Lovino Vargas

PS: Your damn glasses make you look like an asshole.


	10. Tree Bastard

**Dear Tree Bastard,**

Stop hitting my window with your branches, tree bastard! You're not sexy with those stupid branches you probably bought as the nursery down the damn street! You know you are breaking my window, bastard! Don't try to deny it because I know what I'm talking about.

And I know what you want-you want to be that mutt bastard's girlfriend. Well it's not going to happen! If he pisses on you, he obviously doesn't like you and neither do I so go find someone else to impress with those tiny leaves!

You are annoying,

Lovino Vargas

PS: I'm chopping the hell out of you tomorrow.


	11. Penumbra Bastards Game

**Dear Penumbra Bastards,**

What the hell kind of game is this? It's fucking wrong! The monsters are naked, you bastards! What kind of game is this! And how the hell are you supposed to hide if they have fucking flashlights? They are gross and disturbing and now I have to sleep with a flashlight every damn night because of those bastards!

And as if nightmares aren't good enough, I can't eat hot dogs anymore! I'll forever be reminded of those damn naked monster bastards! Worst of all, now my neighbor's mutt bastard reminds me of your damn demon dogs. I'm sick of the game's shit, and you'll find it in the return box. Screw you, and screw your damn game!

Never make another game again,

Lovino Vargas

PS: Either get new monsters or PUT SOME DAMN CLOTHS ON THOSE BASTARDS!


	12. Doctor Bastard

**Dear Doctor Bastard,**

I am sick of your bullshit! Like I really want to sit under the air conditioner and wait three hours for your moron secretary bastards to call me in with a cold! And last time I broke my leg, I had to wait four hours for you to see me because of your damn lunch break! Who the hell takes a four hour lunch break, bastard?

And your office bastards are lifeless! I have to ask them three times to give me my damn bill before they actually blink! They hate working there as much as I hate going! And change the fucking TV channel! Who the hell wants to listen to the Food Network while they wait for their test results? All of their tomatoes look like shit!

Get another degree,

Lovino Vargas

PS: Never. EVER. Stick your damn finger up my ass again.

PSS: Bastard.


	13. Hijacking Bastard

**Dear Hijacking Bastard,**

Stop hijacking my letters, you bastard! I know it's you, so quit it before I kick you in a hole! They are my PERSONAL letters, and you have no fucking right to have them! Where did you even find them?

I am disgraced to have someone like you living next door, you bastard! You play your damn Amnesia games way too fucking loud! I CAN'T SLEEP WITH YOU SCREAMING THE WHOLE DAMN NIGHT! So leave my letters alone or I'll kick you so hard you WILL have amnesia!

Prendi una vita,

Lovino Vargas

PS: Take my letters off that damn site and tell your damn reviewers to get a life!

PSS: My turtle says screw you.


	14. Dear Hater

**Dear Hater,**

I'm a troll. It's a badass part of life. Sorry if you want to join that part of life because YOU CAN'T! Not until you're a slinky and less like a stale piece of bread, stiff dude.

Love,

Where Teh Twinkies (Can't bomb me without knowing my name LOL)

PS: THIS IS SPARTAAAAAAAA!

PSS: :D It's a smiley

PSSS: Thank you all my reviewers for being awesome! I really appreciate the love going on :D Sorry I don't have much time to reply to everyone, I'm in the middle of moving and it's pretty damn crazy! Well, it always is, it's just insane this time. And yes, I'm also taking ideas! It's not that I have trouble thinking up his rants, but sometimes I need a jumpstart or a new idea, so I'd appreciate it!

Thanks! Stay awesome, guys!


	15. Twilight Bastards

Dear Twilight Bastards,

Antonio is NOT one of your fucking sparkling vampires, so stop flocking to him like he's God! He was never into your damn cult in the first place, and I'm not saying I'd appreciate you leaving him the hell alone because that would be lying. I'm saying if you don't leave him alone I will burn your houses down and tomato your yards!

And what the hell is this obsession over gay ass sparkly clowns? They look like they should be in a commercial for JC Penny's or something! And I don't care what the hell kind of vampire you are, you cannot SPARKLE! Haven't you bastards ever seen Dark Shadows? That Johnny Depp bastard plays a better vampire than sparkle ass could any day! And how the hell is this series horror if it's not even fucking scary! Then again, it's scary enough thinking one day you'll be bitten by on of those freaks and end up with the sun shining out your ass until the end of time!

Seriously, what the hell kind of series is this? What vampire bastard doesn't sleep? They're supposed to sleep in coffins, you bastards! And Antonio isn't a vampire, so GET THE HELL LOST!

Un-fucking-gratefully,

Lovino Vargas

PS: Please just stick to tradition. This bullshit is like Dorothy stepping into Hell Land with a gap in her teeth.

PSS: Where was the epic battle in the last movie? Fuck that!


	16. Cereal Bastards

**Dear Cereal Bastards,**

Last week I spent a whole damn hour in the cereal isle trying to decide which cheerios brand was better, like I do every damn month. I am so SICK of it! Stop making cheerio brands, you bastards! How the hell am I supposed to decide between Cheerios or Fruit Loops? It's hard enough as it is without those damn old ladies hitting on me with their carts and blocking the Honey Nut Cheerios and the Pop Tarts!

Why can't you come up with something easier? There are hundreds of shapes you could fucking use instead of donuts! Just who are you trying to appeal to here? The fat girl down my street who eats worms for breakfast or the normal people who are already on a diet and trying everything NOT to think of fat food? Make fucking squares or something, I don't care! Donuts are overused, so quit with the copycating!

Baciare tua madre,

Lovino Vargas

PS: It's not even the fucking shape that makes cereal good! It's the damn taste, and most of your cheerio bastards taste like shit!

PSS: I'm not on a diet, so don't get the wrong idea! My neighbor is!

PSSS: If you want a dump for all your failed cereal, use my neighbor's house. She's annoying.


	17. Donut Bastards

**Dear Donut Bastards,**

Copyright your damn donut shape, bastards! Those damn cereal bastards keep creating new cheerios, and who the hell needs twenty bags of different kinds of donut cereal? Copyright your donut shape before Microsoft starts making cheerio motherboards!

I'm so damn sick of seeing cheerios everywhere! Every thing is donut shaped! Cereal, innertubes, tailbone pads, I'm sick of it! If you can't copyright your damn shape, then start baking squares, I don't know! Just do something about it before my head explodes!

Hurry the hell up!

Lovino Vargas

PS: I think square donuts are a good idea. And add some tomatoes, they make everything a whole lot better.


	18. Pop Artist Bastards

Dear Pop Artist Bastards,

You bastards sound like shit. Like anyone cares if you'd really catch a grenade, you've never even been in a war! And who the hell cares about breakups, the world is in enough trouble. Don't fucking make it worse by telling me the world is ending and it's 'all right!'

And why the hell would you stay with a bastard just because you 'love the way they lie?' You are a dumbass! Like hell I'd stay with someone because of that! That's ridiculous! And if you gave me your number, I WOULDN'T call you later! And there is no 'maybe' there!

Cheerio,

Lovino Vargas

PS: I understand that you're wide-awake; did you have to repeat it over and over? And just what the hell were you dreaming about? It better not be about Antonio because there is no 'bright side' in hell!

PSS: If you say 'I wanna go' one last time, I'm going to fucking scream at the top of my lungs, 'FUCK YOU!' You must be higher than a fucking star if you think I'm going to go ANYWHERE with you! I don't care if it's a party in the USA, the CIA, or any other national day! And I'm not going to the movies with you on Friday, Saturday, or any other damn day!


	19. Moth Bastards

Dear Moth Bastards,

Get. The fuck. Our of my house. Or I will torch this damn house down. Out of all the houses, why the hell did you chose MINE? You are all a bunch of damn fuzzy bastards with no life. WHY DON'T YOU GO WATCH A MOVIE INSTEAD OF TRESPASSING IN MY HOUSE, YOU DAMN BASTARDS!

I deal with you every damn night! Even in the damn winter, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE! You're ugly ass wings are NOT sexy, dammit! I have no problem with burning this house down; I have another house in the Hamptons! So get the hell out or I'll torch you bastards like a Salem Witch Trial! And you know what the hell they say: anchors away! In your case, AWAY away!

If you're not gone in three minutes, then this is WAR, dammit!

Fly the hell away,

Lovino Vargas

PS: My turtle will own your damn asses. He eats you bastards for breakfast!


	20. Pauly D Bastard

**Dear Italian Wannabe Bastard,**

I have written this to tell you something very important: you are not ITALIANO. You never will be, bastard! I'm sick of watching you strutting around with your fake tan and pigeon eyes! So you have Italiano in your mix, BIG FUCKING DEAL! It doesn't make you any sexier or better than any other wannabe!

And what the hell kind of name is Polly? POLLY? You sound like a fucking bird from Doucheland with six eyes and a rainbow sticking out your ass. And D? What are you, a rapper? Get a life and change your name!

You're a rip off,

Lovino Vargas

PS: Not even my neighbor is stupid enough to have that stupid a name.


	21. Dentist Bastard

**Dear Dentist Bastard,**

What the hell did you put in my mouth yesterday? I can't even eat because I can't feel my tongue! I thought you said the damn cavity operation wouldn't hurt! What the hell kind of stunt are you bastards pulling? It hurt like fuck!

And your office bastards are just like the bastards at the doctor's! I can't fucking tell if they're alive or dead! Half the time they're snoring! They don't even respond when you punch them! Get new staff or at least ducktape their damn eyes open! And another damn thing: the next time you tell me I need to pay in advance I'm going to stick that drill up your ass.

Get a new pay plan,

Lovino Vargas

PS: I'm not impressed with your damn certificates all over the damn place.

PPS: That kid next door to me, the one you were going in to see after me, he shit his pants while waiting for you. Just hearing your footsteps is enough to drive any damn kid up the wall. You're all bastards.


	22. Potato Bastards

Dear Potato Bastard,

Stop parking your damn tank on my lawn! You almost ran my turtle over, you damn bastard! Just because Feliciano is friends with you doesn't mean you can joyride around and park your shit on MY LAWN! It's bad enough with mutt bastard running around and pissing on my mailbox without you uprooting my damn trees and nearly killing my turtle! What the hell did he ever do to you?

And why the hell do you get so damn tense at conferences? No one gives a fuck about your past anymore, bastard! And all you do is go on and on about how nobody gives a damn about you, well lighten the fuck up! I've got my own damn problems and I could be feeding my turtle or watching a movie with Antonio instead of listen to you flap your damn mouth! Get a life!

You suck,

Lovino Vargas

PS: Letting your pathetic brother live in your basement is like a dog keeping a pedophile in their basement. KICK HIM OUT or at least GET RENT.

PSS: Grow a damn mustache. Maybe then you'd be half-normal. I should have suggested that to those metal bastards…


	23. Dear Mi Amore

**Dear Mi Amore,**

Ah, I have missed you! I'm sorry this business trip is taking so long; Portugal was having troubles and so we had a conference with our capitols and provinces. It's a long process!

And you should have seen those Russian girls! They were tourists and Dios mio they were hot! But I want you to know I thought of you and only went as far as kissing their cheeks. I can control myself, mi amore! You are the only one for me and I'm so excited I'll be seeing you soon!

Amor,

Antonio Hernández Carriedo

PS: I got the tomatoes you sent me! Eran muy ricco!

PPS: I will be back by Thursday! Te amo!


	24. Stupid Bastard!

**Dear Stupid Bastard,**

You are a stupid bastard! 'Kissed their cheeks?' And did you think of me WHILE you were kissing those bastards or afterwards? You probably even went further! Just what kind of fucking 'self-control' do you have?

I'll have you know, you bastard, that I didn't even look at any other girls while you were gone! And some fangirl group was following me so I put them in my car and parked it in the middle of the damn street! THAT is self-control! If you can't even keep yourself from kissing their cheeks then don't even fucking bother coming back!

FUCK YOU!

Lovino Vargas

PS: I didn't even send you any damn tomatoes, fucking bastard!

PSS: DON'T kiss anyone else, bastard!


	25. Dear Antonio

**Dear Antonio,**

Hi. I just wanted to say…Fuck, this is in pen. I hope you enjoyed the damn tomatoes. Yeah, I sent the damn things. Don't get used to it.

Also, I wanted to I want to apologize for that last letter. If you so much as fucking tell me that's fucking sweet I will hunt you down with a fucking chainsaw. But I'm sorry, I take the whole damn letter back. I was overreac What I said I didn't mean Just hurry the hell home.

See you,

Lovino

PS: If you're not home Thursday I'm really going to kick you out.

PSS: Don't you DARE show ANYONE this letter, damn you.


	26. Car Bastard

**Dear Car Bastard,**

All I fucking want to do is get to the damn airport! Why are you being so difficult! I understand that I parked you in the middle of the road with a group of fangirls, but you should know not to take it fucking personally! Do you even CARE about how the hell I feel? GET ME TO THE DAMN AIRPORT! GO!

Work already, you junk metal bastard! Is this about the damn radio? I am NOT going to play Justin fucking Beiber! I will play fucking jazz and you WILL LIKE IT!

FUCKING WORK!

Lovino Vargas

PS: If you don't go I'll park you on a fucking railroad track!

PSS: Do you WANT to see Antonio ever again-Oh, NOW you work!


	27. Old Lady Bastard

**Dear Old Lady Bastard,**

You're damn mini van can't take a hundred and two fucking miles per hour on it. It's a MINI VAN, not a Ferrari! And why the hell do you slam on your breaks every damn second? If you want a sufficient suicide, then stand in the middle of the damn road so that some other bastard can either run you over or I can strangle you myself! This is a HIGHWAY, not Talladega!

Why the hell do you still have your damn license? I wanna fucking GET TO THE AIRPORT IN ONE PIECE! So you outlived all of your cats plus a narcissistic husband that divorced you twenty years ago, big fucking whoop. I actually have someone I love and I fucking plan to die the same damn day he does! My car already gave me problems! Don't fuck up my life with a car wreck, like I really want to spend a month in the hospital!

GET OFF THE ROAD!

Lovino Vargas

PS: You're bumper sticker isn't even real. It's drawn on with fucking lipstick. I'm not stupid.

PSS: You show anybody this letter and I will hunt you down and take your damn cats for ransom.


	28. Deer Lovino!

**Deer Lovino,**

Hi! I'm back from America! I finaly paid of my debt from that acident and I'm coming back home! I hope your okay, I been gone for two years! Me? I'm okay, too! America is a realy prety place! Even the coal mine I had to wok in was nice!

I'll be back in Italy by Friday! Im so ecited to see you and Germany and Japan again! I realy mised you guys! Alfred was nice, but you guys are amazing! I'll see you guys soon! Throw me a fiesta!

Ciao!

Feliciano Vargas!

PS: I met your neibor in America, Lovino! She's really nice! She took me out to a really nice restrant and she likes pasta, too!


	29. Brother Bastard

**Dear Brother Bastard,**

What the hell! I'm at the fucking airport waiting for Antonio, not as postal fucking delivery! Why the hell would you send your damn letter to the airport anyway? Why the hell do I have a brother like you?

And I don't give a fuck if you're coming back tomorrow, I have other things to do, like drown my neighbor! By the way, don't EVER bring her up in another damn letter, bastard! Like I really want to hear about how 'wonderful' and 'cool' that bastard is! I asked her nicely to take my damn letters off that damn site and she got all pissed and told me no! She's a brat bastard and she plays too much Amnesia!

I'm not picking you up,

Lovino Vargas

PS: She's arrogant and annoying! So what if she likes tomatoes and eats them on a daily fucking basis, she can't have any!


	30. Flight Attendant Bastard

**Dear Flight Attendant Bastard,**

STOP STARING AT ANTONIO. YOU CAN'T FUCKING HAVE HIM. IF YOU DO NOT STOP FUCKING STARING I WILL SMEAR YOUR DAMN LIPGLOSS ALL OVER YOUR DAMN FACE AND KICK YOU OUT THE DAMN WINDOW. GO FUCK A HIGH SCHOOL DROPOUT, YOU SICK FUCK AND LEAVE MY ANTONIO ALONE.

IF YOU DON'T STOP FUCKING STARING AND SLIDING YOUR LIPSTICK DOWN YOUR FUCKING SHIRT I WILL OWN YOU AND YOU WILL SEE NOTHING FOR THE REST OF FUCKING FOREVER AND IF THAT DOESN'T WORK I PARKED MY CAR IN THE MIDDLE OF A FUCKING STREET WITH TWELVE FANGIRLS IN IT LAST WEEK. THAT WILL BE YOU IN TEN MORE FUCKING SECONDS.

GET LOST,

Lovino Vargas

PS: He is interested in ME. You're as bad as that damn waitress. Go be a nun or something, I don't care, just GO THE FUCK AWAY!


	31. Dear Lovino!

**Dear Lovino,**

If you're reading this letter, that means I am dead.

No, just kidding, I just wanted to tell you I took care of your turtle while you were away. That's all, just the turtle. I didn't type your secret letters down and I'm not posting them thorough the week, nope. You're just paranoid. There's no way.

By the way, your turtle kind of destroyed your study and your room and he ate all of your tomatoes. I'm being serious, it wasn't me. I promise!

Your Loving Neighbor,

Where Teh Twinkies

PS: Bro Fist

PPS: Thank you, reviewers! I am very surprised to have reached 100 reviews in a little over two weeks! I thank you guys! I'm also sorry I haven't been answering reviews; I'm still in the process of moving XD Like Antonio said, it's a very long process! I am going to take a 200 question Math test next Monday, and I hope it goes well because I suck at Math. I am moving cross-country, so it's pretty crazy here, haha.

Stay awesome, guys!


	32. Dear Neighbor

**Dear Neighbor,**

I am too afraid to be within ten feet of your house so I am writing this letter because I have a question: what was all that racket last night? All I know is you came home the same time - came home and I saw you trying to run her over and that lovely boy Antonio get out and stop you two from fighting, but what about after that?

My dog, Snuggles, heard a ruckus after Antonio dragged you inside! It sounded as if he were killing you! I was so afraid! Yes, I admit, I called the cops. They said something about a compromising situation. I'm not sure what they meant, but I just wanted to check on you two!

Say hello to Antonio for me!

Betty Knight

PS: I'm not sure I agree with your Mutt Bastard name. I quite like Snuggles a lot better.

PPS: You should really try not to punch the poor girl; she's only a collage student! She means no harm, and your turtle seems to get along well with her cats.


	33. Hola Mrs Knight

**¡Hola, Mrs. Knight!**

I assure you, nothing was wrong last night. Lovino just…caught his curl on something. Everything is fine!

And the cops said something about a position? Well, there are many positions, so I'm not sure which one they're talking about. But, as I said, everything's fine here, even Lovi's turtle is an angel today. And I'm sorry about the commotion, I'll have to duck tape his mouth the next time he gets his curl stuck!

¡Adios!

Antonio Hernández Carriedo

PS: I saved Ni

I DON'T FUCKING CARE IF YOU DON'T LIKE YOUR MUTT BASTARD'S NAME, GET OVER IT. AND STOP FLIRTING WITH ANTONIO!


	34. Dear Feliciano

**Dear Feliciano,**

Dammit, what time is your flight coming in? Since you won't text or call back I'll just send you this damn letter, so you better reply! I'm not doing this because I feel guilty. Not at all. That damn potato bastard won't stop nagging me until I go get you, so here I fucking come.

When we get to my house, if I so much as THINK you're eyeing my damn neighbor I'll drop kick your fucking ass on the curb so quick you'll be wondering which fucking way is alto and which fucking way is giù! Don't fucking mess with me or I'll give you brain damage!

Welcome fucking home,

Lovino Vargas

PS: Don't even try to fucking sweet talk her or it will be fucking World War 3 in this damn house, bastard!

PSS: DO NOT TOUCH MY FUCKING TOMATOES.


	35. Basket Bastard

**Dear Basket Bastard,**

So you think you're cool, huh? Just because you're made of fucking hemp you're fucking cool? I don't think so, you stupid bastard! I don't think that damn ghost bastard is the one moving you all the frickin' time because I had an exorcism last fucking week! And it's not Antonio; he's got better things to do than hide you under the couch!

Stop moving, I want to have a normal breakfast for once! AND TOMATOES ARE FRUIT! Stop hiding yourself in my turtle's tree house and at the bottom of the damn steps! I don't want to trip on you every damn morning! If I get one more concussion I'm going to buy a fucking Hummer and put them in THERE!

WHY THE HELL ARE YOU IN TREE BASTARD?  
Lovino Vargas

PS: If that ghost bastard IS back I'll fucking kill him again!

PSS: WHAT THE HEL IS GOING ON WITH MY STUDY! WHERE THE HELL IS MY LETTER CASE! DAMMIT FRUIT BASKET I'M GOING TO FUCKING THROW YOU IN THE POOL!


	36. Austrian Bastard

**Dear Austrian Bastard,**

You just fucking love to abuse everyone with your annoying nagging, don't you? So you have a fucking piano and an almost dead violin, whoop-de-fucking-doo. No one gives a damn about your stupid little country! All you produce there are fucking scones! Like I give a damn about your chef bastards, they couldn't even stick their fucking nose in a stove to save their lives! I doubt they even know where the hell your nose is!

Every fucking Christmas or Easter or whatever the hell kind of festival is going on, you just have to fucking annoy everybody with your 'Oh, look at me, I'm a fucking composer and I'm so fucking cool just because I have a fucking scone!' What the hell is _wrong_ with you? And what the hell is with that damn mole? You're not fucking sexy! No wonder Elizabeta is more interested in that damn Prussia bastard than you!

Get a life or just kill yourself,

Lovino Vargas

PS: The Christmas choir was a bunch of eight-year-olds. They don't fucking know what a quarter note is!

PSS: Next time you go shopping and my damn neighbor throws a tomato at you, don't you DARE try to hit her! Only I can do that! She is MY fucking punching bag, so lay another hand on her and I will drop your damn piano on hot coals, bastard!


	37. Potato Bastard 2

**Dear Potato Bastard,**

I'm leaving tomorrow morning to pick up my brother, bastard. Don't even think of coming! You're stalking my brother, you bastard! Why are you always so damn close to him? Even when we were little you took him away from me dammit!

And what the hell is with the stick? You treat it like it's a damn person! Herr Stick, what the fuck! I remember having imaginary friends when I was a kid but not a fucking stick! You might not be the brightest bastard, but I didn't think you were stupid enough to adopt a stick! There are fucking starving kids in Africa and you have a fucking stick!

I'm setting a 10-foot rule,

Lovino Vargas

PS: If I see you making goggle eyes at my brother again I'll throw your stick to that damn mutt bastard next door!

PSS: Don't even THINK about coming to the airport!


	38. Feliciano, Anonymous

**Dear Feliciano,**

I understand you will be arriving today at the airport at eleven tonight. Your neighbor was kind enough to inform me. You brother…well, I can't say much for him.

Are you aware your brother abuses verbally? I doubt you know what that means, but to put simply, it means he told me I am a bastard who would rather adopt a stick than a starving child from Africa. I don't know exactly why he hates me so much, but he definitely showed it in that last letter. Now, I'm not saying I hate your brother, I'm just saying I really dislike him and if he criticizes me one more time I will run his mansion over with a tank.

Anyway, I'm very excited I'll be seeing you again. I missed you very much, Feliciano. I look forward to seeing you soon.

Bis bald,

Ludwig

PS: When we meet again, I have some…something I would like to discuss with you.

PPS: If Lovino is waiting in front of your gate, I will be planking on a table several feet away as a disguise.


	39. Neighbor Bastard! I'm Gonna Kill You!

**Dear Neighbor Bastard,**

You fucking bastard, you told that damn potato bastard when Feliciano was coming home! Do you know how awkward that was? That damn bastard was planking the entire time on some damn table! Only reason I noticed him was because some Airport Security Guard found him and told him he couldn't plank on airport tables! What the fuck is that bastard planking on tables for!

So then that bastard Antonio said 'hi' to him! And the bastard said 'hi' back, except in a fucking retarded way because he fucking said 'hullo!' What the fuck! Then Feliciano hugged that bastard and fucking KISSED HIM ON THE CHEEK! WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!

Then that damn Antonio told me to 'calm down and take a deep breath, it's okay!' Like that bastard knows anything! Dammit, they all ganged up on me and Feliciano and that potato bastard HELD HANDS until that planking bastard was dragged off to security! So I threw Feliciano in the car and sped off.

Now Feliciano won't shut up for ten seconds about ditching that bastard and my house looks like it flooded! And it's all your fucking fault! Why do you meddle? Leave fucking well enough alone, dammit! Who do you think you are, the fucking wedding planner?

Fuck off!

Lovino Vargas

PS: Do you have to fucking go to collage in fucking Romano? Find some other fucking country, like Romania!

PSS: And I'm never taking you to a fucking conference! You're not even a country, go to hell, bastard.


	40. Dear Feliciano Again

**Dear Feliciano,**

If your neighbor just climbed through your window to give you this, don't freak out. It's from me, Ludwig. Since I'm in your brother's jail right now I had to call on your neighbor to bring this letter to you. She's a monkey, I'll give her that.

Anyway, what I wanted to discuss with you must not leave your room. It's vital you understand my feelings towards you. I think I am…well…I'm in love with you. Since we were kids, even before WW2, I had a large crush on you and I just wanted to tell you that. I understand if you don't feel the same way but I can't hide this any longer.

Ich Liebe Dich,

Ludwig

PS: If you see a tank on the horizon tomorrow morning, pretend you don't see it and leave.

PPS: Burn this letter. Right now. No, not with the chair, Feliciano, with a lighter. No, that's a sock. That's a lighter, yes. Just throw this letter out the window while it's burning. Mein Gott, Feliciano, JUST DO IT!d


	41. Prussia Bastard

**Dear Prussia Bastard,**

WHY THE HELL DID YOU BAIL YOUR BASTARD OF A BROTHER OUT OF JAIL? NOT EVEN I'M THAT STUPID! KEEP YOUR DOG LOCKED UP IN JAIL!

And I heard you got a job. Where, at fucking McDonalds or Prussians Aren't Fucking Awesome? You're not as fucking awesome as you think you are! Hi, I'm Prussia, and I live in my brother's basement and work at McDonalds part fucking time! Wow, you're so fucking awesome! I deduct points for being as fucking stuck-up as that damn Austria! Well, I give you a damn point for not having fucking scones! At least you're not a damn priss bastard!

If that damn potato bastard comes anywhere near Feliciano I'll run HIM over with a fucking tank and then feed you to my turtle! And he has no fucking mercy! Not Duffy's Mercy like that bastard sang on that damn X Factor audition, but actual fucking mercy where if you piss off my turtle he will fucking kill you!

Burn in Hell,

Lovino Vargas

PS: Why is there a fucking bird in your hair all the damn time? It won't shut the hell up! It looks like an ugly fucking duckling! It's fucking tacky!

PSS: You're not awesome, bastard.


	42. From Prussia, With Love

Dear Italy's Unawesome Brother,

You unawesomely threw my brother in jail! Not awesome! What the hell do you have against him? For that matter what the hell do you have against the awesome me? And yes I am AWESOME and you are defiantly jelly of it. What a stupid Italin you are! Feli is defiantly 100% more awesome than you are! Also yes I did get a job and where is non of yo business! I can tell you it's not **ing McDonalds. Also how dare you compare the awesome me to that stupid aristocrat! I'm nothing **ing like him! SO SUCK IT LOSER!

With Love,

Prussia

P.S - Gilbird is **ing awesome! He's my awesome little bird! I don't mind him at all so leave him alone.

P.P.S - I AM AWESOME UNLIKE YOU!

(**DC**: **Credit goes to Awkward Chick for this!**)


	43. Turkey Bastard

**Dear Turkey Bastard,**

You are a fucktard. Look at you with that long ass beak thing, it's not even fucking close to cool. It looks like your damn plastic surgery was a fail, or maybe you have fucking skin cancer and if that's the case I honestly don't feel bad for revealing this truth to you: you are a fucking BASTARD! And I have A LOT to say to you!

What the hell were you fucking thinking when you fucking kidnapped me when I was a fucking kid! I was fucking adorable as a damn chibi, but I can't say the same for you! Your new fucking goatee looks like a fucking skid mark! Yeah, how fucking sexy, I'd so date you, bastard. You've got NOTHING on Antonio, so don't try to catch up. You'll always be eating his damn dust!

And what the fuck was with you and Greece the other day? You just fucking punched him in front of everybody in the middle of his neighbor's wedding! You didn't even know the damn lady and you're at her wedding? And what the fuck-'stud?' Really? Japan is a fucking stud? Oh, I believe that, especially since he has a fucking bowl cut, yeah, how sexy! He looks fucking constipated all the damn time!

And you new mask, it's shit. It looks like fucking Larry the Cable Guy bastard drew on Pennywise's face, dumbass! And when the hell do you shave? You look like a nomad bastard! That's your new name, Nomad Bastard!

PISS OFF!

Lovino Vargas

PS: Japan doesn't want you! It's damn obvious he's goggling over Greece!

PSS: You have a stupid accent!


	44. English and French Bastards

**Dear English and French Bastard,**

I didn't fucking write this letter to tell you your unibrow is sexy or how your cape is the shit. This letter is to tell you how much of a fucking bastard you two are and how far into denial you've reached. You are so fucking STUPID it makes my HEAD HURT! You never shut up about shit no one cares about. Dammit, SHUT UP BASTARDS! I don't give a fuck if Paris is prettier than London, or if that France bastard combs his hair every two seconds! And I don't give a fuck if that England bastard has a fucking crush on that dam America bastard even though he won't admit it but it's fucking obvious or if his unibrow isn't a unibrow but two abnormally shaped eyebrows! No one else gives a shit about any of that!

And stop fucking shaving your unibrow, they're gonna keep growing the fuck back! GIVE THE FUCK UP! And France bastard, your cape is fucking out of style! That's something from billions of years ago, dammit!

Dumbasses!

Lovino Vargas

PS: I'm just going to send damn individual letters to both of you later, I can't fit all your bullshit in here!

PSS: I'm writing to you first, pretty boy bastard.


	45. Deer Ludwig!

**Deer Ludwig,**

You love me? Realyy? I am so hapy! Ti amo, Ludwig! I remember wen I gave you my broom! It was caz I loved you back then to and I wanted you to rember to me! But I was scared caz I didnt think you likeded me!

I cant wat for you to return from jail! I miss you! Send me a postcard!

Ti amo!

Feliciano

PS: I burned the leter lik you told me too! And Lovino is downstairs on the phone with Prussia. He sounds realy mad!

PPS: I hope the tank has pasta!


	46. French Bastard

**Dear France Bastard,**

Told you I'd be writing to you first, pretty boy.

First of all, you have no taste in style. You look like one of those stupid Globo Man drawings that American bastard draws, and that's a good thing if you're trying to look like a bastard. You just look like a bastard all the damn time so I DO see a resemblance there, but no one says a damn thing coz we all know you love hearing your bastardly self talk and we really don't give two fucks about you or what you have to say.

And what the hell is with the Speedo you wear to the beach all the damn time when you visit Italy? Dammit, kids don't need to be seeing that! What the hell kind of BIG BROTHER are YOU? If I could grade you on your damn 'parenting' I'd give you a Z! I just fucking came up with that to explain how stupid you are! Because it's the fucking letter at the bottom of the fucking alphabet!

Lose the cape and the golden locks, Barbie, and go get a job as a stripper!

To hell with you!

Lovino Vargas

PS: Fottiti.

PSS: Prussia said you were a bastard, too. Someone needs to lock you in your damn dungeons. You'll be seeing me soon. That's not a good thing.


	47. England Bastard

**Dear England Bastard,**

Here's your fucking letter, bastard.

You are so fucking wrapped up in yourself! And quit the fucking whining! You're all 'Woe is me, woe is me, everybody left my ass and I don't even know what the hell I did! Woe is fucking me!' WHY THE HELL DO YOU THINK EVERYBODY LEFT YOU, DAMMIT? Because you're so fucking annoying, you can't cook, you have a damn unibrow, and you're such a bastard to everyone!

Last time I tried one of your damn dishes I had fucking diarrhea for a month! Your food tastes like the Adams Family stuck cousin IT in there and called it a salad! And where are the tomatoes? Fucking cater next time you have a dinner party, the only time I'll be eating your shit is either in a Turkish prison or in hell!

And I don't give two shits if you hate your eyebrows and even less if your bikini tan didn't turn out the way you wanted it! Take my advice: get a fucking bikini waxing, you look like a sasquatch. And aren't you supposed to be watching out for Sealand? Then why did you lock him up last week? Yeah, I saw that. I went to go get a damn snack and he's in there, stapled to his chair with sticky notes over his eyes and gummy bears stuffed in his mouth. So I tried to help that little bastard and you know what he did? He fucking bit me! And he called me a 'jerk of jerks!' What the hell is this, Oliver Twist?

I can see why you locked it up.

Next time you lock that thing up, do it so that I don't spoil my damn lunch, bastard. And clean out your damn basement, it looks like an episode of Hoarders. How do I know? DON'T YOU FUCKING REMEMBER DUCK TAPING ME TO THE WALL DURING THE LAST WAR? I WASN'T EVEN AGAINST YOU! WHAT'S THE DEAL, ARE YOU PRONAZI NOW?

And what the hell is it with that One Direction band? I heard from America how pissed he was about them at the Super Bowl! They're YOUR sensation, their fucking album wasn't even out in damn America, and they played at the SUPER BOWL? Now, I could care less about that bastard and his country, but why the hell would an ENGLISH sensation play at a GIGANTIC AMERICAN EVENT, bastard? It's the AMERICAN'S PATRIOTISM! NOT YOURS! GET A CLUE! And you wonder why I hate your damn economies and sense of music. Screw your shit! I'm sticking to jazz, dammit!

I mean, what next! Osama bin Laden celebrating Christmas? What you did is like fucking Hitler lighting the White House Tree! Or Amy Winehouse at a Betty Ford fundraiser! What if Kim Jong-il bastard was your fucking king and Lindsey Lohan was your queen? Or Larry the Cable Guy and his damn gang of rednecks were Parliament? I bet you'd be screwed then, wouldn't you be? Next time you try to take over another country's patriotic event, I'll kick your ass!

Don't even THINK of letting Jessie J perform at MY concert center! My people will KICK YOUR ASS!

Cheeri-fucking-o,

Lovino Vargas

PS: I told you, stop shaving your damn eyebrows. You look like someone whacked you in the head with a baseball bat.

PSS: Grow some balls and tell America you have a damn obvious crush on him. It's so damn obvious I want to staple you to my car and park it in the middle of the damn highway!


	48. Dear 'Very Concerned' Bastard

**Dear 'Very Concerned' Bastard,**

What the hell do you MEAN my neighbor was 'scaling my house?' What the fuck does that even MEAN? What the fuck! That damn girl next door? She CLIMBED UP MY DAMN HOUSE! HELL NO! I'm gonna fucking dropkick that son of a bitch!

And that blonde BASTARD was my fucking hair stylist making a damn house call, all right? Not some damn country who tried to tank my house. Who the hell are you anyway, Sherlock? And what the hell, the only illegal thing going on is that damn crazy witch next door watering her fucking plants in lingerie every damn morning! Do you know the kind of therapy I've been going through the last couple years? That bastard needs to be chained to a church! Maybe we can get her fucking exorcised, dammit!

Fuck this Neighborhood!

Lovino Vargas

PS: I don't give a shit if my turtle is stalking you! It could stalk Oprah and I wouldn't fucking care!

PSS: And yeah, you go on a damn vacation! There'll be one less bastard in this neighborhood. You know what they say, anchors away! AWAY away!


	49. Favor Bastard

**Dear Asking for Favors Bastard,**

It's my damn turn to ask a damn favor of you: QUIT ASKING ME FOR FUCKING FAVORS! I'm not your damn servant bastard. Start doing things by your fucking self! Like taking out the trash for once without asking mommy! I'm not going to pick up your fucking laundry ever again and I don't give a shit if you cry in your damn corner, dammit! I have a life!

Listen up, Miss Daisy, find someone else to drop you off at fucking preschool! How much longer is your damn truck going to be in the shop, any-fucking-way? It's fucking been there since Harry met Sally!

Get your own damn life!

Lovino Vargas

PS: When the hell are you moving out of your mom's, anyway? You're not sexy when you have her fucking thongs on your head!


	50. Crazy Stalker Bastard

**Dear Crazy Stalker Bastard,**

I'm not just selectively reading here, but WHAT THE FUCKING HELL? YOU WERE STALKING ME? WHAT THE HELL I DON'T EVEN WHY THE HELL DID I CHOOSE TO WRITE IN PEN! What the hell kind of FUNNY STORY are you talking about, dammit? I was stalked and I didn't fucking notice!

And what the hell do I think of FanFiction? WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK I THINK BASTARD! It's the stupidest site there is! My damn neighbor is always annoying the fuck out of me with it! She's all like, oh, Lovino, there's a site I can publish your letters on, ain't that awesome? And I'm like, HELL NO YOU'RE FUCKING NOT! That little bastard went ahead and published them all anyway! What the hell is that bastard doing! I even tried fucking reporting her and the damn site won't let me because I'm 'Rage Reporting!' What the fuck, isn't that how it is? You're damn pissed, you report the idiot that screwed up!

So then I called them and they told me to 'go back to watching soap operas and making out with my Justin Beiber cut out!' WHAT THE FUCK!  
Damn bastards are HIGH! Higher than that Niki girl!

And Spamano? I uh…no comment.

Screw You, FanFiction, and your Fucking Readers!

Lovino Vargas

PS: Take Feliciano, I don't want him…Okay, no, don't, stalk that Turkish bastard instead.


	51. Mayor Bastard

**Dear Mayor Bastard,**

So just because I sent a few letters that are marked 'Dear Bastard' you think you have the damn rights to invade my fucking privacy? Dammit, what the hell is WRONG with this government? Invading my privacy like you know something! Maybe they were to my in-laws! Can't fucking blame me there, can you? And maybe the Post Office LIED!

And my MENTAL HEALTH is FINE, dammit! Like I need more police screwing up my house! Like I need another raid after fucking last time! I was just trying to mind my own damn business when those bastards stormed my room! Damn my neighborhood, I hope my neighbors burn in hell.

And no, it's not fucking necessary! There's no way in HELL you're pulling that kind of stunt on ME! The only person worthy of going to an asylum is SADIQ! THAT BASTARD! ARREST HIM!

Un-fucking-sincerely,

Lovino Vargas

PS: I deserved to be pissed, dammit! That bastard cheated! Italy is ten times better than Spain, dammit! But damnitt, he's good…I said nothing!

LEAVE ME THE F*** ALONE BASTARD!


	52. VanneNessa Bastard

**Dear Vanne-Nessa Bastard,**

No, dammit, I call everyone a bastard! Like the potato bastard, let's screw him for a while. First time we met, he was a bastard. He keeps trying to take Feliciano from me! DAMMIT, I DON'T WANT TO BE ONE OF THOSE DAMN OLD LADIES WITH ALL THE CATS LIKE MRS. KNIGHT SO THAT PEOPLE CAN POINT AT ME AND SAY, 'Oh, look, forever fucking alone.' That can't happen!

And that nine brow bastard! He's just fucking annoying. Speaking of annoying, my neighborhood fucking SUCKS! Yesterday, on my way to my therapist, my neighbor just fucking randomly yelled out her window, for the world to hear, 'Enjoy your weekly dose of hell at Anger Management!' What a fucking BASTARD! How can you expect me to have a GOOD SIDE when I'm surrounded by ball sucking bastards?

Screw You All!

Lovino Vargas

PS: Why the fucking hell would I tell anyone? It was that damn Antonio who dragged me to fireworks over summer last year…DAMMIT WHY THE HELL DO I HAVE TO WRITE IN PEN?


	53. Memento Mori Bastard

**Dear Memento Mori Bastard,**

Well, sweetheart, I don't give a fuck what the world thinks. Screw the world, it's full of fucking bastards! And I don't need fucking ANGER MANAGEMENT when I have a THERAPIST! It's called THERAPY, dammit! And I have a damn good reason to be pissed all the damn time: I AM SURROUNDED BY BALL SUCKING BASTARDS WHO NEVER SHUT THE HELL UP!

And I already told you idiots, I don't have a GOOD SIDE. Not when I live on Hell Street, and that's a fucking true story! Dammit, sometimes I just want a nice, peaceful day without someone fucking up my garden or moving my tomato basket with the TV on without it flipping channels all the damn time! And now that that damn potato bastard wants to date my fucking brother, I have to let him or he'll run over my damn house WITH A FUCKING TANK. AND I HAVE ANGER MANAGEMENT?

Screw that bastard!

Lovino Vargas

PS: I think my damn house is being haunted! Again!

PSS: Screw Anger Management, it fucking sucks. And what is this, an episode of Maury?


	54. Trigger Happy Bastard

**Dear Trigger Happy Bastard,**

All I wanted was a simple fucking vacation skiing. THAT IS ALL I FUCKING WANTED. And what do you do? You SHOOT ME IN MY FUCKING ASS! Berne is on the Alps, too, dammit! I thought that region was fucking neutral, dammit! STOP FUCKING SHOOTING ME! Or at least stop getting such damn good shots for ONCE!

And no, dammit, I wasn't going to kidnap your sister! Who the fuck goes to Berne to ski and ends up kidnapping a little girl? Even I have decency, dammit! What am I, the fucking Boogie Man? Quit with the fucking bullets all the time! And stop shooting at my brother!

You SUCK!

Lovino Vargas

PS: I know your economy is bad, but plastic street lamps? Really? They fucking blew over in the wind, I didn't touch anything!

PSS: If you bastards on FanFiction see this, don't you think that Swiss bastard should be the one in Anger Management? I sure as hell think so!

PSSS: DON'T BURN THIS LETTER, BASTARD! YOU'RE A BASTARD!


	55. Bastard Living Way the Hell Away

**Dear Girl Living Way the Hell Away (Thank fucking you) Bastard,**

What the hell do I care if your neighbor is stalking you? Live in my shoes for a day, you wouldn't fucking live for five minutes. First thing in the morning, I wake up and my damn brother is in bed with me. Then, all I want is a nice, simple breakfast, but I go downstairs and I have to find the damn fruit basket! Then usually my fucking neighbor breaks in and starts trying to steal my damn tomatoes and that damn mutt bastard breaks into my garden at the same time and digs up all my damn plants! So I finally get a damn tomato and go for a walk, and Mrs. Knight is on her front porch in lingerie. So then I have to walk the OTHER WAY and all these damn dogs chase me EVERY MORNING DAMMIT! Then, for the rest of the day, I have people chasing me around and tormenting me and fucking tomorrow, that damn pervert bastard is flying in to visit! Why the hell does he even WANT to visit? I can think of a million fucking reasons why!

And God fucking bless you-someone who fucking agrees Turkey is a ball-sucking bastard! Dammit, everybody thinks he's wonderful when all they're thinking is, gee, he's a nice piece of fucking ass! And thank God again-no, I DON'T have fucking mental problems, dammit!

Screw Anger Management, Dammit!

Lovino Vargas

PS: Feliciano says ciao and that stupid Spanish bastard is at the damn grocery store.


	56. Questionnaire Bastards

**Dear Questionnaire Bastards,**

I'm cute? Really? You people like me anyway? Uh…

I mean, DAMN YOU BASTARDS TRYING TO PULL A GUILT TRIP ON ME! Think that's gonna work, huh? I don't fucking think so, bastards!

And why the hell do I live in my neighborhood? I LIVE HERE BECAUSE MY BOSS IS A BASTARD! So it's fucking close to the sea, big fucking whoop! Yet for some reason that's the most fucking important thing EVER, dammit! I'd have to kiss my boss' ass if I wanted to move, and I make it a point not to kiss his ass. It's a damn good point!

And no, that potato bastard and my brother do NOT make a cute fucking couple, dammit! I can protect Feliciano BY MY FUCKING SELF DAMMIT! How the fuck can I be happy for them if that bastard keeps fucking threatening to tank my house! The only reason he stopped last time was because my damn neighbors talked to him and said some stuff about me being a wonderful person in all actuality or something like that…But I know they jus want to torture me more, dammit!

I don't need your fucking CHILL PILLS, dammit!

Lovino Vargas

PS: Exactly, that Swiss bastard NEEDS to go to Anger Management, but I'm not joining him, dammit! He'll fucking shoot me again! My damn neighbor is already smitten with that whacko and she's trying to get me to go so that she can fucking tag along! She's so fucking whacko…

PSS: If that Austrian bastard is going, I'm NOT. Like I really need another prissy bastard telling me how to set a table and eat with a spoon! I'll eat how I fucking like, dammit!


	57. Other Questionnaire Bastards

**Dear Other Questionnaire Bastards,**

Special occasions with Antonio? Uh…I don't think I…well, dammit, if I don't answer your damn questions my neighbor says she'll grenade my damn house…fuck it, fine, I'll fucking tell you bastards.

For anniversaries we, uh…well, I'll tell you one thing, my damn neighbors fuck up our plans all the damn time! Those bastards, they stick their damn noses in everything! Especially Mrs. Knight and her damn mutt! She duck taped a camera on her dog yesterday, probably trying to catch Antonio so that she could download him on her fucking digital picture frame! She's fucking WHACKED! But, uh, we usually just go to the park or Antonio takes me to one of those parades in Spain. Usually those Spanish bastards just dance around until they release the bulls, then everyone's fucked. Then we go to dinner or something, I don't fucking know…

Now on to you, Fancy Ass Bastard-I get laid almost every fucking night whether I like it or not! That damn Antonio is such a fucking pervert! He's a stupid ass pervert! And, no, I'm not 'backed-up.' whatever that even fucking means! And I'm a fucking guy! If I had a period that would fucking gross I'd listen to Justin Beiber for a full five minutes to end my misery!

I don't need a fucking chill-pill, dammit!

Lovino Vargas

PS: I fucking hate you all.

PSS: Yes, that Swiss bastard WOULD shoot me, dammit! He's a fucking bastard! I'm never going to visit fucking Berne EVER FUCKING AGAIN, DAMMIT! And if I do, I'll let my damn neighbor tag along and use her as a human fucking shield! One lest bastard in this world!


	58. Ghost Bastard, Again

**Dear Ghost Bastard,**

What the hell are you doing back in my house? Are you fucking psycho? Do you think you're cool when you move my basket and throw tomatoes at me? Well think again, you attention whore bastard!

I thought I exorcised you weeks ago! Why the hell are you back again, you bastard? And dammit, I ordered one of those damn Ghost Busters guns off of Ebay and it doesn't even fucking work! It blew up and broke three of my windows! You did that, didn't you, you bastard? I spent a damn good amount of money on it and you went and blew the damn thing up! You bastard, pack your shit because I'm fucking bringing in the Pope Friday!

Drop dead again, dammit!

Lovino Vargas

PS: How the hell did you go from no eyes to green eyes?


	59. Dear Lovi

Dear Lovi,

Hello! I don't believe we've met before! I'm Jo (my nickname) and I'm Ludwig and Gilbert's neighbor, I'm the lady that always gives little Feli cupcakes to take home with him. ^.^ He's so nice and sweet. Anyways, your neighbor and I were thinking of throwing a party (we are good friends) and wanted to invite you! I'd thought you'd love to come! She always says some...nice...things about you. Antonio can come too! Looking forward to reply!

-Jo-

P.S I've noticed little Feli around more, is something going on between him and Ludwig?

P.P.S Gilbert is pretty mean whenever he talks about you and I don't know why.


	60. Florida Bastard

**Dear Florida Bastard,**

Wait, wait, wait, what the fuck? THAT BASTARD ANTONIO HAD A KID WITH THAT AMERICAN BASTARD? What the fuck! That makes no fucking sense! When the hell was this? I don't even I can't even this is I WHAT THE FUCK

And no, I don't remember you! Well, actually, I kind of do. But what the hell is going on? Dammit, I KNEW he was CHEATING ON ME, THAT BASTARD! Why the HELL didn't he tell me? I'm gonna fucking chain that bastard to a big fucking rock and dump him in the lake! I'll staple him to a tree and let that Swiss bastard have at him! I'm gonna lock him in a fucking room with fangirls, dammit!

I'll send him to HELL!

Lovino Fucking Vargas

PS: I don't care if he's gonna do something fucking 'special!' He can go to HELL!


	61. Jo Bastard

**Dear Jo Bastard,**

A party? What the hell kinda party? Is this some way for Antonio to apologize for not fucking telling me anything like the bastard he is? I fucking knew it! You know, lady, he didn't tell me anything about this kid Florida! Never fucking ONCE did he mention them, dammit! Then they send me a letter out of the blue! Dammit, it's over; I kicked him out four minutes ago! Not that I'm counting!

And why the hell would my neighbor invite me to a party? YOU BASTARDS ARE SCHEAMING SOMETHING, I'M NOT STUPID!

I still have to put up with that bastard for another MONTH! School doesn't start until August 24! Dammit, I KNEW I should have changed that…Then just yesterday I had a fucking epiphany: my neighbor is another fucking fangirl. A FANGIRL. What the fuck do I do with them all! If I had a penny for every fangirl I had I'd be Bill fucking Gates! And they stalk me every damn day! Last night, I went to a block party (my damn brother dragged me there) and some group of fangirls fucking drop-kicked me and then dragged me to their rapist van and told me they'd fucking 'never let me go!' So I did what was fucking necessary, I bitch-slapped them all and chained them to the fireworks display. They won't mess with ME again, dammit!

I'm not going to your party, you're gonna have Minutes in Heaven or whatever the fuck it is!

Lovino Vargas

PS: No! Nothing is going on between Feliciano and that damn potato bastard, and I'll made fucking sure of that!

PSS: Well, the Prussian bastard is a ball sucking idiot, I don't care if he's MEAN when he fucking talks about me. He's a bastard, move away from him before he and his damn little bird cook you in acid. They're fucking weird enough to do it!


	62. Pasti Frosti Bastard

Dear Pasti Frosti-Whatever-Bastard,

The earthquake back in May? Really? That's what you're fucking asking? Who do I think caused it? Oh, I fucking KNOW who caused it.

It was my damn neighbor bastard! May 29th was the day that damn bastard moved here! I remember it: 8:50 in the morning with the moving van, that damn taxi with the damn cabby who flicked me off when I asked him who the hell the girl was. They started unpacking and then the ground started fucking shaking! I knew what was happening and I was fucking concerned. I look over at that bastard and she's totally unfazed! She was fucking jumping up and down, too! The bastard got drunk on the plane and she fucking grabbed her shit and walked inside her house! So me, trying to be fucking NICE for once, ran over to drag her outta there before it collapsed on that stupid bastard. And you know what she did? She fucking took off her paints and PUT THEM OVER MY HEAD. I looked so damn STUPID running around and hitting the damn walls, but I finally slapped that bastard and dragged her out of there by her fucking hair!

I don't even know why I saved her ass! That earthquake was definitely gonna kill her ass and I saved her! Dammit, I'm such a fucking moron! Since she moved in things have been going crazy around here! Just last week, she went outside to get her mail and the damn ice cream man ran into my mailbox! She's a fucking demon! She's trying to kill me, I'm not even fucking kidding!

The next time there's an earthquake I'll fucking tie her to the 30 mph sign the put in her living room!

Lovino Vargas

PS: I'm awesome? Awesome, huh? Well, uh…you know, uh…I mean, whatever. Sure. Uh, thanks.


	63. From, Bermuda

Dear Lovino

You have interesting perspectives on... things. Although I think you only talk big. You fear my big brother, England, and Russia. So I dismiss your rants however, I'm not here to pick at your flaws. I am here to inform you that you will never see your boat again. I have told you nations once and will tell you again, no one is allowed here except England and America. Do not bother trying to attack me and spare me your rants, you wont reach me anyways. I Do have a question. How do you feel about the Bermuda Triangle? If you don't believe it, my skink and I will gladly prove you wrong.

Stay away from my Island,

Bermuda


	64. Yo, Feliciano!

Yo Feliciano! (Ha, it rhymes)

If you've come home to find your brother's gone, don't worry about him. He decided to come to the party! I, uh, bargained with him over a rock, paper, scissors match, that's why the house is a little…fucked up.

Anyway, just head on over to Jo's block and get your party on! And I went ahead and rounded up the troops (a couple big guys and Antonio if you know what I mean) so if Lovino starts bitching about how he doesn't wanna be there, just pretend like you didn't hear him; he doesn't really mean it. You know him, he wimps out on some things! Arthur said he removed the spell on that Bugsby chair or whatever the hell he calls that thing-but only for tonight! If Lovino starts going bonkers whack him over the head with a margarita glass or something and we'll tie him to the chair and get him into a closet with Antonio. It's for his own good! Plus, if we don't reunite them, Antonio's gonna flip and we'll be picking daisies for his grave. And who doesn't want them to make up? They're so fucking adorable it makes me wanna jump for joy!

See you there!

Twinkies

PS: I'd bring some wine with you; we may be way in over out heads here…

PPS: We really need to send him to Anger Management or he's never gonna be able to have a full wedding…And so far I only have four people going to his birthday party: you, me, Antonio, and the turtle.

PPPS: Thanks for 300 reviews, guys! You don't know how much I appreciate that! I apologize for that Hetalia story not being out yet, but I'm working on it! I'm still in the process of moving, can you believe that? But I leave next week, so there's a plus! Anyway, I'm just really happy this story has come as far as it has and I really feel honored! So thank you, fav/follow/review (you know you want to!) and stay awesome!


	65. Dear Antonio, Here's Your Letter

**Dear Antonio,**

Dammit, fine, I'll write the damn letter.

We met a fucking LONG time ago and started dating a LONG time after and fell in love and all that bullshit. Yeah, I know I make your life a living hell because, yeah, I am fucking annoying, but you put up with me anyway. Thanks, I guess. I'll try not to fuck up your life for an hour because that's as far as I can get when that damn potato bastard is around and Feliciano invited him over for breakfast, lunch, and dinner tomorrow. Fuck. You need to fucking propose to me at some fucking point.

Ti amo,

Lovino

PS: I'm only writing this because those bastards fucking locked me in a closet with a lava lamp. That damn thing is staring at me.

PSS: There are no damn hard feelings between Florida or I. Or any of the other states you haven't told me about.


	66. Dear Mi Amor, Lovino

**Dear Mi Amor, Lovino,**

Lovino, lo siento! I didn't mean for you to be upset or mad or sad! It was quite a while before we had started dating, so I'm sorry if it didn't seem that way. And I'm sorry for not telling you; I was afraid you would be upset and hurting you wasn't my intention. Can you please, please, please forgive me in any way? As long as you understand that I didn't plan to keep this from you forever and I love you I'll be fine. And maybe…you could take me back in?

Te amo,

Antonio

PS: Someone said you were in an ambry in the west hallway, but I can't find the ambry. All of the signs say bedroom except for the smaller door, that one says it's a closet.

PPS: Ah, I'm glad there are no hard feelings! Gracias, Lovino, for understanding. Now I must find out what an 'ambry' is!


	67. Twinkies, Jo Bastards

**Dear Twinkies and Jo Bastard,**

I, well…fuck it, grazie, you bastards. You're fucking bastards for locking me in that damn closet and barricading it with a jukebox, but it helped me out, fucking surprisingly enough. I forgave Antonio, don't get used to it, and invited him back to the damn house.

I have no fucking clue what is going on, so don't fucking ask because I have no fucking clue. And what the hell was with that bastard with the golf cart? I didn't even know who the fuck he was but he ran over the jukebox and bashed through the door, it wasn't my fucking fault! All I know is that bastard was higher than the bastard who created Revenge of the Sunfish!

That bastard was a mind fuck!

Grazie, whatever,

Lovino Vargas

PS: Did you bastards give that Austrian bastard my house key? I went home and that bastard was in my living room watching fucking Totoro!


	68. Sydney Bastard

**Dear Sydney Bastard,**

Shut the hell up, bastard! No one is supposed to know I watch PewDiePie! My damn neighbor is already on my ass about it because she caught me playing her damn Amnesia game. She came over a couple days ago and started fucking snooping my house! So I took the Tobuscus cardboard cut-out out of my damn closet and fed it to my fucking turtle. His name is fucking Lovino Jr., so stop asking, you bastards!

And I hate Fred! His voice turns gays straight! He's THAT annoying! I feel like he WANTS me to suffer! He stares right at me during his damn videos and freaks the hell outta me! He's one of the five bastards I'm going to meet in hell!

Nova's all right, too…

Lovino Vargas

PS: Fred is Justin Beiber's fucking alter ego. I pulled that outta my ass, too.


	69. Bermuda Bastard

**Dear Bermuda Bastard,**

Think you can sink MY ships, huh, you son of a bitch? I'd like to see you try! We all know you're just a fucking myth based on high sailors and drunk Marines! If you're so real, I'd like to fucking see you come say so to my fucking FACE!

And why the hell sink MY ships? Why not sink that Turkish bastard-with him IN IT! I doubt any normal human being would miss THAT creepy-as-fuck bastard! He's got a face only his high as fuck mother could fucking love!

Anchors WAY fucking away from ME!

Lovino Vargas

PS: I haven't been sailing lately because I don' t fucking feel like it! Don't fucking question me, OR patronize me, bastard!


	70. Fanboy Bastards

**Dear Fanboy Bastards,**

You fuckers just have to ruin EVERYTHING, don't you, you sick bastards? Is it some kinda fucking prophecy to fuck up other people's experiences at Comic-Con? Well fuck you Harry Potter chosen ones, I'm fine being a regular fucking person who wants to enjoy the Behind the Scenes action of Black Butler! All I wanted was to shake hands with my fucking idol, Sebastian, and what the fuck happens? I run into one of you fucking fat-ass losers with a plastic forks and spoons because you didn't have any fucking silverware!

But I figured this kind of shit was gonna happed; my neighbor dragged me there. I got to the damn hotel at seven in the morning and you bastards are duck taped to the walls in the lobby dressed up like spider man! Then she comes out with Antonio and Feliciano dressed as the Three Musketeers and they want me to be fucking Big Bird! There was a FOURTH MUSKETEER, DAMMIT! So then I got a brilliant idea: I AM like a comic, so why not dress up in my fucking World Conference suit? So I did and I changed in the bathrooms where you bastards were applying lipstick and some Green Lantern bastard was in the back trying to fit his fucking utility belt-complete with fucking hammers and shit-around his damn stomach.

Then I go out in my uniform and one of you stupid fucks come up to me, dressed like me except my hair is NOT RED and they're fucking like, 'Oh, you're the worst cosplayer I've seen all day.'

ARE YOU FUCKING HIGH? I AM LOVINO VARGAS OF SOUTHERN ITALY/ROMANO YOU FUCKING BASTARDS!

I refuse to return tomorrow! One of you is probably gonna compliment my nice ass tomorrow like that bastard in the gift shop!

Lovino Vargas

PS: Why the hell are we at fucking Comic-Con and not at the damn Olympics!

PSS: If one more bastard hits me with a fucking lightsaber I'm going to pull some REAL silverware out of my ass and hack your damn heads off with Grell's chainsaw.


	71. Dear Lovino Jr

**Dear Lovino Jr. Bastard,**

These are important fucking instructions, don't eat them like you did last time, dammit.

I need you to get on a plane and fly to London-I think. It's one of those stupid fucking English towns. And watch out for that English bastard or he'll sic his fucking unicorn on you. Your objective is to find that damn butler, Sebastian, and bring him back, if anyone can do it, you can, you fucking stud.

So find him and drag him back, even if you have to fucking knock him out with your Shell Attack! Just remember, my turtle, you're way fucking better than a Blastoise!

Go Lovino Jr.!

Lovino Vargas

PS: If that damn England goes to sic his fairy on you, just ignore the bastard and it'll get the fuck lost.

PS: Watch out for fucking silverware!


	72. Bermuda, You Bastard

**Dear Bermuda, You Bastard,**

Oh, you patronize who you like, eh? Then why don't you make that worth BOTH our fucking time and go patronize that damn potato bastard or an old lady with a million fucking cats? And so what if I don't open the damn door, do I have to fucking plug in the damn toaster, too? And who the hell am I, the fucking Terminator bastard?! Why the hell would I ever want to fucking track down England and America for? They're fucking annoying!

Speaking of not opening the door, they never do, either! That damn England is always sobbing in his kitchen with a scone up his ass and fucking America is too busy to see ANYONE because his Fighter Plane is way too damn important!

And why did Spain leave your unappealing, ball sucking ass? Because he loves me, ME, that's why, dammit! And I'm not giving up that bastard without a fight that involves me tagging you-with a fucking laser!

Like hell I'm opening that door, I'm locking it!

Lovino Vargas

PS: Did you see that cycling race in the Olympics?! That bastard Spain wiped my damn cyclist! Dammit, I DESERVE A FUCKING GOLD MEDAL OVER HIM AFTER ALL THE HELL HE PUTS ME THROUGH!


	73. Read, Dear Bastards

**Dear Bastards,**

I am finally pleased to say I've released the prologue to my new story, Dear Bastard, the Novel! Finally, right? I will try my best to update it whenever possible though; ditto for Dear Bastard.

But yes, feel free to check it out, and review to tell me how I'm doing!

Lately I haven't been updating as many letters recently because I'm literally a week away from leaving. During the days I'll be on the road I'm afraid I may not be able to update unless we stop at a hotel or Panera! But I won't be on the road for too long; I'll be out for maybe three or four days.

Anyway, thanks for almost 400 reviews, guys! It STILL means a lot to me that you guys are having as much fun with this as I am! I know, I know, I'm being sappy, aren't I?

Stay awesome, guys! You rule!

-Cappy

PS: A friend of mine reads these letters and she printed one off to sign her own name on it and mail it to a neighbor. True story! If you do that, mail at your own risk!


	74. Secret Admirer Bastard

**Dear Secret Admirer Bastard,**

What the fuck! I send Lovino Jr. out to kidnap a fucking butler and he gets kidnapped by a fucking fangirl?! That defies fucking gravity! Better him than me…

But I want my damn turtle back, dammit! Like hell I'll pay you rabid as fuck fangirls! You're gonna suck away all my damn money! I'll give you as many lame as fuck autographs as you bastards want, just don't hurt the damn turtle!

I'll-fuck-be nice to that damn potato bastard for a day, dammit!

Lovino Vargas

PS: WHY THE FUCK WERE YOU UNDER MY BED?!


	75. Dear Mi Amore!

**Dear Mi Amore!**

I will be leaving for a few days to help Portugal deal with a problem he's having but I'll be back next Jueves! You neighbor also told me you, Feliciano, Vash (I thought you hated him?) Ludwig (and him, too?), and Roderich (again?) are headed too London tomorrow! That sounds like a lot of fun, amour! I hope the two of you have fun there!

But I must ask, why London? She didn't explain to me why you were going, but she did say something about Lovino Jr. and a lawnmower. Then she said something really interesting, she said 'Bounty hunting is better than cable.' I don't understand what she means but I agree, bounty hunting definitely sounds better than cable! Of course, I've never been bounty hunting, but I bet it's just as exciting as the Running of the Bulls!

Hasta Luego!  
Antonio

PS: I finally found out what an 'ambry' is! It's a closet!


	76. McDonald's Bastard

**Dear McDonald's Bastard,**

Get the fuck out of the line, bastard! I'm on a damn road trip and I don't need your fat ass standing there in front of me ordering three fucking burgers and two boxes of chicken nuggets for you and your fucking chair! Why the hell did you pull A FUCKING CHAIR into the line, anyway, bastard?!

This place better not be as bad as Wal-Mart, you weird bastard!

Hurry the hell up and ORDER, dammit!  
Lovino Vargas

PS: If I finish this damn letter and you're still not done, prepare for fucking ink poisoning!

PSS: A fucking sundae and a banana split?! Dammit, don't be an American! Don't be that bastard!


	77. Wal Mart Bastard

**Dear Wal-Mart Bastard,**

Dammit, I don't think I can fit all your bullshit in one letter!

I understand it's fucking Wal-Mart, the fucking international destruction derby, but what the hell are you fucking WEARING?! Look at you, fucking mullet with a damn Speedo and a mustache. Don't fucking insult the mustache, bastard! You look like a fucking Bong-Chong-China bastard who flies into trees and shit when you attempt a damn back-flip and talk like a damn Sim when you're fucking talking seriously about how to do a back-flip and not hit a damn tree!

All I wanted was a fucking pillow but I get to the damn isle and you're using them as shields while you're beating the shit out of your friend with a lightsaber! This is like fucking Comic-Con all over again, but ten times fucking worse because when I got to the line this time you were there with your damn friends dressed as Darth Vader and the damn Star Trek company! If I wasn't freaked out when you were talking fucking Klingon to the damn cashier I definitely was when you drove off in a fucking Sob you duck taped spaceship wings on!

Fuck you in Klingon!

Lovino Vargas

PS: Don't break dance in the damn purse isle! Chicks don't want to see that!

PSS: I saw you hitting on my neighbor, you bastards! Do it again, I fucking dare you!


	78. Dear Romano

**Dear Romano,**

Since you wrote me a letter, I'm simply returning the damn favor while you're rotting in a jail cell.

What are you doing in my country, you damn Italian? Did I ever give you permission to come through here? Then get the hell out of my country! Wait, you can't, you're rotting in my jail cell! You're lucky I didn't shoot you while I had the chance! I was surprised because it's usually your stupid brother who runs through my yard.

It doesn't matter, though, you're here for life, and I seriously doubt you can escape. How does it feel to rot in a jail, Romano?

Vash Zwingli

PS: You're neighbor tried to tell me you two were on your way to save a turtle and capture a butler. Of course, I threw her back in her cell; how stupid could you be to save a damn turtle? I'm not that stupid, thank you!


	79. Konichiwa, Romano

**Dear Romano-kun,**

Hello Romano-kun, how are you doing? I'm doing alright.

The other day I saw your turtle, so I have him right now at my home...when shall I give him back to you?

Sincerely,

Japan / Kiku Honda

P.S. I am currently trying to persuade Switzerland-san into releasing you, (Italy-kun told me Spain-san was out and Germany-san refused) but may I know what you did?

P.S.S. Please tell your neighbor that I appreciated her cookies.


	80. Japanese Bastard

**Dear Japanese Bastard Who Wants to Fucking Save Everyone,**

Bastard, what makes you think I need YOUR help? I've got a fucking plate I can fucking throw at that trigger happy bastard when he passes! I'll knock him the fuck out and swipe those damn keys! I'm fucking Romano, I can do it!

And how the hell did you get Lovino Jr.?! Do you have that damn butler, too?! You better! My damn turtle went through fucking hell to find that bastard! If he doesn't I'm going to have to fucking go to England and drag his ball sucking ass myself!

Tell this bastard not to point his damn gun in my face, dammit!

Lovino Vargas

PS: That potato bastard won't get me the hell out of here!? What the hell is that bastard's problem! It's his fault I'm in this hellhole, dammit! Antonio, Feliciano, my damn neighbor and I were just about to cross the damn Swiss border when that potato bastard comes out of fucking nowhere and tells me it's not a good idea; I should hop in his damn car. Fuck that, I didn't need his damn car, so I crossed the damn border and that Swiss bastard came out of nowhere and shot me in my damn leg! Then my damn neighbor ran after me, and Feliciano fucking tripped over her and they barreled into that damn bastard so I figured I could escape. Then Antonio came running and he fucking knocked me over and that damn Swiss said we 'disturbed the peace' and he dragged us to the damn jail! If that damn potato bastard hadn't told me that Swiss bastard was out at the shooting range by the damn border this wouldn't have fucking happened! Fuck him!

PSS: No, fuck you! I'll never thank that damn bastard in any way, dammit! If I have to sit in this damn cell she's going to suffer with me!


	81. Dear Kiku

**Dear Kiku,**

Hey, what's up? I found the letter you sent Lovino under the dog bowl. Yup, Swiss is feeding us from a dog bowl. I for one think it's a blessing he's at least being nice enough to feed us stale bread instead of…I don't know what it is, it's like soup but really…

Well anyway, Lovino still wants to go kidnap Sebastian and have a foursome with Grell and Undertaker. JUST KIDDING! Don't tell him I told you that. Which reminds me even though it's in no way related, Lovino stood up to Vash! Yup, he finally grew balls and then got shot and lost them. Now he's in the corner sobbing. Been there for the last forty minutes.

Vash seems to respect me since I'm not complaining but I think he partly hates my guts because I keep screwing with him. I mean, why the hell not, I'm bored as hell and he can't shoot a woman. So I've been saying things like, 'Hey, I bet you're hot for Austria, that's why you don't talk to him.' and 'You ever smoke weed with your parents? It sounds like a good idea but it's awkward as hell in the morning.'

Hurry up and get me out of here!  
Twinkies

PS: You liked my cookies? Well of course you do! They were chocolate chip!

PPS: Thank you guys so much for the reviews! I appreciate it and you're probably getting tired of hearing that! And again, my new Hetalia story, **Dear Bastard, the Novel**, has been released. As of now I'm on chapter 3. I'm having fun with this story! It really is like a soap opera! A funny one, too, haha.

Stay awesome!


	82. Dear Romano, Again

**Dear Romano-kun and Twinkies-san,**

Well I think we're almost reaching to an agreement. So please wait for only a little by more.

And Romano-kun, yes, Sebastian is here. He is currently in my living room. I was very surprised he existed!

And Twinkies-san...it might not be the best idea to irritate Switzerland-san, if you want to get out of his jail soon...

From,

Japan/ Kiku Honda

P.S Italy-kun said that he and Spain-san will celebrate your return with tomatoes and pasta.

P.P.S England-san seemed upset that you took his butler.


	83. Damn You, Potato Bastard

**Dear Damn Potato Bastard,**

What the HELL is your problem?! I'm minding my own damn business and you fucking fed me to a rabid dog! That damn Swiss bastard was fucking hungry for blood! Thirsty, dammit, whatever!

So what if I didn't want to get in your damn car? You didn't have to kick me over the damn border! Then you told that damn trigger-happy bastard to 'do whatever he wants' to me! Dammit, what the hell is THAT supposed to mean?! What the hell is this, Million Dollar Match Maker?! FUCK THAT BASTARD I DON'T LIKE HIM! I HAVE ANTONIO, DAMMIT!

It doesn't matter now because I got the hell out of there! Suck THAT, potato bastard!

Lovino Vargas

PS: If you see England tell him I went to fucking Russia.

PSS: What the hell is with the trains here?! They're fucking loud and annoying as hell! I tried to sleep the whole damn night and they kept waking me up!


	84. From Bloody Britain

**Dear Romano,**

Give me my damn butler back, you bloody wanker! I need him back now! How did you even capture him?! He's a super human! This is an outrage!

I want my bloody butler back before that damn Phantomhive kid blows this all out of proportion and moves to Spain. You don't want that, do you?!

You're a twat!

England

PS: I saw that bloody site your neighbor is posting you on. It's PPS, not PSS, you wanker. You can't even write a letter correctly.


	85. English Bastardo

**Dear English Bastard,**

No, fuck you! You're not getting your damn butler back any damn time soon! I'm arriving in Japan tomorrow, so don't fucking screw this up for me! Sebastion is my fucking IDOL, bastard! Like hell I'm giving him up!

Also, your food sucks. Please, for the sake of the whole damn world, just stop cooking. It's so damn annoying to walk into a damn grocery store in Ukraine and see your damn burnt dishes all over the place! If you cook for Japan, too, I'm fucking out of there!

Fuck you!  
Lovino Vargas

PS: It's PPS? Oh, wel-I mean, I DON'T FUCKING CARE, BASTARD!


	86. Dear Master Arthur

**Dear Master Arthur,**

I am pleased to tell you I am quite fine in Japan. The weather is different but I suppose that makes it all the better. Master Kiku is very kind and traditional. I must say I quite like him. Definitely not as annoying as Grell. I'm a little inconvenienced, what with the turtle glaring at me every moment of the day, as I did not know turtles could actually glare, but it is kind enough when it's not chewing my silverware.

I'm slightly apprehensive towards Master Lovino's arrival, for he is apparently my largest fan. He's the one who sent the turtle after me, as well. Master Kiku says he has a love for cursing and tomatoes and is very overactive. I think things are going to get awkward very soon…But I am pleased to meet his neighbor. Master Kiku tells me she is a lovely girl with an amazing skill for cooking. But he says she is quite stubborn and pitches fits whenever she is not allowed chocolate, but he says she is also quite calm and happy. Master Antonio will be a blast, I can tell, and Master Ludwig…I'm not sure what to think about him.

Please tell Master Ciel I am well off in Africa (that is where I'm supposed to be) and let him know Colonel Brambert is quite well (though I have not met him or ever seen his face). And don't tell Grell where I am, please. If he asks, tell him I'm in Egypt; he hates the heat there.

Your Butler,

Sebastion

PS: I will be back within the week. I hope.


	87. Dear Twinkies

** Dear Twinkies,**

Hello, dear! How are you? I'm doing well, but I was wondering where you and Feliciano have run off to. I'd ask about Lovino, but…

João came by earlier today after he returned from the skating rink, asking about his brother. Of course, being their madre, I worry so about them. Would you mind telling me how my youngest is doing? Not really that I care, because João told me the reason he never comes to visit his poor madre is because he doesn't like me or my new husband, Jerald, but I do miss him at times.

Your wonderful and rich neighbor,

Mrs. Knight

PS: A rather shady character was snooping around Lovino's house today. My dog tried to catch him, but he ran off. I don't want to alarm anyone, but I don't know who he was.


	88. Dearest SebassChan!

**Dearest Sebass-Chan!**

Hello, how are you! I miss you so much, my dear Bass-chan, I wish you would return today! It's so lonely here without you.

And Egypt! Why are you in Egypt instead of here with me? Master Arthur is also a little peeved you're gone, but he also seemed rather excited. I'm not sure why, but for whatever reason Master Alfred also came by earlier today. Then Ronald said something strange, he said something about Alfred getting laid. I don't really know…

Well anyway, I hope you'll be back soon!

Grell

PS: That brat Ciel says you'd better be back soon or he's going to 'hunt you down.'

PPS: I love you!


	89. Dear Mrs Knight

**Dear Mrs. Knight,**

We're doing fine, thanks. We just arrived in Japan last night, and Lovino was pretty pissed-I mean upset when Ludwig popped up at the train station. I wouldn't have noticed him if Feliciano didn't point him out planking on a bench! He told Lovino off for some other letter he sent (knowing Lovino it was probably really long and annoying to anyone who reads it) and they got in a catfight. I'm saying catfight because Lovino, as you know, is all-talk-don't-do, so he pretty much just ran away and hid in the women's bathroom. Ludwig doesn't have as much pride as Lovino thought, because he stormed in there like a Storm Trooper and all these girls came screaming out. I videotaped it on my phone if you want to see.

Anyway, Lovino and Ludwig are with security at the moment and I'm writing this off of Antonio's back. He's doing awesome! He's so cool, everyone is looking, he really needs to propose to Lovino! He would be like my brother-in-cousin then! Kind of! It would be awesome! But it's so cute because he's sitting beside Lovino and holding his hand and Lovino's all pissed about it but Antonio doesn't care. So Feliciano tried to hold Ludwig's hand and Lovino tackled him. Is there a doctor in the station?

We'll be at Kiku's house by the end of the night,

Twinkies

PS: Sebastion is coming to meet us at the train station OH MY GOD!

PPS: Flagpole Sitta has played three times in a row on the radio, but I don't care! You thought I cared? Well I don't! I'm insane! Not as insane as that white haired chick with the weird ring around his neck in that awesome looking blue-white stripped shirt with the dagger and-SHIT IT'S A DUDE! AWESOME! I'm gonna go say hi!

PPPS: Thank you for the reviews, dudes! I notice their winding down slightly, but I suppose that's my fault for not uploading as often. Sorry, guys! It's just seriously insane here with family wanting to take me everywhere, looking for a house, etc. I will be uploading as soon as possible when I can and I assure you I will keep these letters going! I won't stop! Even if there was a fire!


	90. Cosplaying Bastards

**Dear Cosplaying Bastards,**

Why the hell are there so damn many of you?! I try to get the hell out of this damn station, and you bastards are roaming all over the damn roads! This is like fucking Comic-Con all over again! All I want to do is get to that damn Japanese bastard's house and get a damn autograph from my fucking idol, and you idiots are dressed like damn homos with nothing else to fucking do! GET OUT OF THE DAMN ROAD!

Aren't you bastards supposed to be at some event place instead of in the fucking road? I want to run your asses over but the damn police are everywhere and won't leave my ass alone! Get the hell out of my way, bastards! I don't give a fuck about Naruto, Captain Jack Sparrow with kick your damn asses! And no one gives a fuck if you have a lawn mower. Ronald Knox won't give a fuck either! AND I'M NOT A RED HEAD, DAMMIT! I'M A DAMN BRUNETTE, WITH SOME RED TINGE! THERE'S A DAMN DIFFERENCE! WHY THE HELL ARE ONE OF YOU BASTARDS BLONDE?! I'M NOT A DAMN BLONDE!

And you, Hatsune Miku bastard, leave my damn Antonio alone, dammit! And get a damn hair cut!

Lovino Vargas, FUCKING ROMANO

PS: Oh, so you can dress perfectly like my damn brother and still get my outfit wrong, huh? Well fuck you!

PSS: Boris the Cheshire is WAY fucking better than that damn white rabbit bastard! Alice, you're a damn blonde, of course you'd pick the prick! Boris is way fucking better, damn you!


	91. Kiku, You Bastard

**Dear Kiku, You Bastard,**

So, I, uh, guess I should thank you for helping me out and all that…so, uh, thanks, I guess. If you hadn't talked to that damn trigger-happy bastard about releasing me, I would have been in there until vampires ruled the damn world. That bastard pretty much is a vampire; he never even leaves his damn house. My damn neighbor likes him, though. I think that bastard may even have a crush, but who the hell knows. I swear, the bastard's bipolar.

Anyway, I guess I have to also thank you for helping out Lovino Jr. and…yeah, whatever. And you got Sebastion to your house, hell fucking yes! But, yeah, whatever…thanks.

Grell's not fucking coming, is he?

Lovino

PS: Lock my damn neighbor up in a fucking closet, will you? She wants to talk to my idol. MY IDOL, dammit, she can't talk to him right now!

PSS: What the hell is with Antonio lately? He's acting so damn strange I keep expecting his pupils to fucking point different directions. You act like a girl, you're a damn sensitive, you ask him.


	92. Psst, Antonio

**Dear Antonio,**

Yeah, I totally wrote you a letter in the back of a Limo! Hell yes!

Anyway, I really think you should, I don't know, PROPOSE TO LOVINO. And why not, it would be awesome! I mean, sure, he'd be all pissy like a fourteen-year-old on their period, but that's okay! He'll get over it! He'll just be overcome with…radical…happiness for a while. But anyway, I'm taking a poll! I'm asking all the countries what they'd think of you two getting married. I guess I'll start with Feliciano, Ludwig, and Kiku first. We're almost at his house anyway, just a couple more cosplay blocks to go! It's all good, we got this!

Oh, your mom wrote me a letter at the train station. Can you please deck your brother for me, he's a bitch. Did you know he told your mom the reason you don't go by her house anymore is because you don't love her? I mean, I don't want to be Drama Girl here, but it's the truth and it really sucks because you're just busy with all the changes in your country lately. Like how the number of drunk drivers is going up, and the number of comedians is going down, and the number of teenagers getting drunk at fiestas and jaywalking on the highways is going up. You need to do something about your food, too, England is importing his crap into your restaurants and polluting your tacos. And please, for God's sake, do something about the gringos in your country, please do us all a favor and just kick them out. They say 'torti-ll-a' instead of how you're supposed to say it 'torti-y-a' and calling churros, churreos. Like we need more cereal in this damn world.

Twinkies

PS: When we see Sebastion, can you tell him how cool I am? Just so that I can say 'I'm friends with fucking Sebastion and all you've got is a rock.'


	93. Dear Romano Bastard

**Dear Lovino Vargas/Italian Bastard.**

Thank god for you. No, seriously, thank you. I love reading your letters because I agree with pretty much EVERYTHING you say (apart from one or two things but I'll get to those another day).

I mean, for goodness sake, how hard is it for Ludwig to stop planking all over the damn place? Planking is a stupid "sport" the Aussies invented (I think, please correct me if I'm wrong) and people have died from it. Actually, you might feel benefitted by that, so let him carry on if you want. You know what else annoys me? Twilight. Yep, those damn vampires that sparkle and mope around the place doing absolutely NOTHING with themselves and generally being a waste of space. The only one that actually gives something back to society is Carlise and that's because he's a doctor! And don't even get me started on Fifty Shades of OH GOD NO, MY EYES! THAT used to be an M rated Twilight fanfiction, so no wonder it was crap! You DON'T turn fanfiction into a published book! It's an unspoken code of conduct, dammit because it's liable to be screwed up! GAAAH! I hope I don't meet a whackjob at my uni who wanders round in nothing but his birthday suit at five in the damn morning. Because your damn neighbour scares me and I don't want a weird damn neighbour in my apartment block. I'll call the damn cops if that happens.

There is a lack of swearing in this and that's because I don't like it. The title at the top was a stretch. But you carry on, I ain't going to call you out.

Anyway, see you around or something.

Lily.

PS: Have a tomato. I know you have difficulty with obtaining these lovely fruits in the morning, what with that damn ghost prat wandering around. Tell me if you need to get rid of him. He won't be able to haunt ANYONE with a bloody cross shoved up his ass.

PPS: I know you will call me out on this, but I'm politely asking you to please stop being aggressive towards Japan. He always means well and I do happen to have a soft spot for him. After all, he's the sanest out of all the people you know, so that's got to count for something right?

PPPS: If you ever need me to deal with the fangirls...I'll come prepared.


	94. Dear Twinks

**Dear Twinkies,**

Antonio and Lovino? Married? That sounds awesome! Dude, invite me to the wedding, I gotta see Lovino dressed in a wedding dress! He is gonna be in a wedding dress, right?

Tell Antonio I said 'Good luck, dude!' and tell Lovino I got laid the other day, he'll be so pissed! Dude, it's so fun to mess with him! Like a month ago, I told him Ben & Jerry's had a tomato ice cream and he ran off like a total idiot! It was funny as hell!

Anyway, later, dude!  
Alfred Jones

PS: Dude, who's gonna cater? I can totally cater! I'll call McDonald's tonight, dude!


	95. Dear Lily

**Dear Lily,**

Dammit, we need more people like you! These fucking lunatics these days don't know a single fucking thing! I'm getting fucking hate mail from the damn Prime Minister, just because I told him he was a bastard with his fake accent!

And that damn potato bastard, what the hell makes him think he's cool when he's planking, dammit? He's so damn obvious! It looks like Larry the Cable Guy bastard trying to fucking plank on a sidewalk! And Twilight, dammit, I hate those bastards. That damn Bella Swan is the ultimate damn Mary-Sue! She's annoying as hell and she's so fucking boy crazy she can't see straight! She probably runs into damn trees all the time!

And dammit, if there was a bastard in his birthday suit wondering around my house, I'd shoot the damn bastard! It would probably end up being Feliciano, whatever. And hell yes, my damn neighbor is a fucking retard. She's so damn annoying! All she did today was talk, talk, talk to Sebastion, my idol, and Kiku didn't do a damn thing about it! Then my damn turtle actually sat in her fucking lap! That bastard!

And, uh…thanks for sticking up for me…whatever.

Lovino/Romano

PS: Uh, thanks for the tomato. I was supposed to have an exorcist the other day, but then my damn turtle was kidnapped and I didn't have time. That bastard Twinkies told me someone was wandering around my damn house the other night. It was probably that damn ghost bastard.

PSS: That damn Japanese bastard who wants to make everything so damn perfect it hurts my damn eyes? Uh…sure, I'll try…

PSSS: Bring a damn Uzi.


	96. Dear Lovino, Romano

**Dear Lovino Vargas/Romano,**

It was a pleasure to meet you and I find myself slightly disoriented now that our week together has come to a close. You were not what I had expected, but in a good way. You, your neighbor, your brother, your brother's friend, Master Kiku and your lover were very kind and generous and I am honored to have your friendships. I usually would not care for friendships, but you all are special. You argue like cats and dogs, but you are also very close, I can tell.

Thank you for being my number one fan, Lovino. And thank you for meeting me. Finally, thank you for forcing me to call you 'Lovino' instead of 'Master Vargas.' It is an honor to call you my friend.

Your friend and butler,

Sebastian

PS: We shall meet again, I can promise that. In the meantime, watch out for Grell. He is probably very jealous. If he does attempt to attack you, simply tell him I would kill him for it and he will leave you alone.

PPS: Master Kiku was correct, your neighbor's cookies are quite excellent.


	97. Dear Miss Twinkie

** Dear Twinkie,**

Antonio and Lovino? Married? Really? That would be…interesting. Yes, I suppose I agree, as long as Vargas is in a dress. He needs some humiliation, you know. He recently sent me a horrible letter, the wretched man. It was something about having distasteful scones and he even compared me to that swine Arthur. I swear, Vargas shall hear about this!

I suppose if he were to find a soul mate, Antonio would best fill that void. He is very open and caring, maybe slightly too overbearing, but then again, Vargas is also very overbearing. Maybe Antonio could silence him. Indeed, I agree; my answer is yes.

Dear Elizabeta agrees, as well. Actually, she ran out the door with a camera as she told me her decision. I really am not quite sure where she is going with a camera so late at night, but she did say something about Arthur and Alfred. I am quite puzzled, but it is not your business. Apologies.

Sincerely,

Roderich Edelstein

PS: Please tell that imbecile Vargas I shall be visiting him the moment you return home, whether he likes it or not.

PPS: That idiot Gilbert says 'hello' and he wants to inform you he's going to be sending a letter of his own, with my help of course.


	98. Dear Bastards, Again

**Dear Bastards, Again,**

Hey people, have some announcements!

So I started school last week, yeah? Ehh. The homework load is almost unbearable since I'm in all the honor's classes and extra after school activities and such. The letters do not end here! It's just that I've noticed reviews aren't coming in as fluently, but that's all right because I've decided I will publish more letters over Saturdays, Sundays, and Mondays, and maybe even Fridays. 1-3 per weekend day. So never fear, Lovino is here (to beat the shit out of me with a pipe if I don't publish)!

So stay tuned, guys! This isn't over yet! Actually, it won't be for a long, long time…

Ciao!

Twinkies

PS: I've decided I'm gonna start polling you guys! So **Poll #1**:

**Who has the better attire (clothing) in Hetalia: France or America?**


	99. Stripper Bastard

**Dear Obnoxious Stripper on the Damn Street Bastard,**

What the hell is your problem? Have you never heard of the word 'decency?' And don't deny you didn't try to drag me outback at the Outback Steakhouse with a chain you ripped off a swing set and one of your damn nylons! You're a fucking sicko! You didn't even have real eyebrows, you just drew in purple sharpie all over your damn head!

Why the hell doesn't that Kiku bastard manage these things? I manage that kind of bullshit in MY country! What the hell makes Japan any fucking different? Unless you're Feliciano or you like potatoes, you shouldn't have these damn problems in a country! All I wanted was some damn Panda Express and you just fucking scarred me for life! I'm eating at McDonald's next time, dammit!

Fuck off!  
Lovino Vargas

PS: Why did you rub my shoulder but kiss my damn neighbor, bastard? What, am I not fucking good enough for you? She's a woman, dammit! I'm not jealous!


	100. From, Belgium

**Hey, Twinkies!  
**

So, you have a poll, right? Well, I'd like to reply!

I think Antonio shouldn't marry Lovino. Lovino is annoying and he has no style in music. He's a bitch to everyone and never shuts up. All he does is run around Italy like he's God and he never once says hi to me when he passes through my country.

Antonio, I think-no, I KNOW-wouldn't be Lovino's match. Not when I'm in the world. Not when I'm living. I'm Antonio's other half, his other soul, you know. I'm his soul mate! So, no, sorry, Antonio should not marry Lovino.

Dag!

Bella/Belgium

PS: I think you should visit my country on your way back. Then we can watch Twilight together!


	101. Phantomhive

**Dear Romano, or Lovino, Whichever You Prefer,**

I am appalled you kept my butler from me for so long. I can see you are a fan of his, but it is incredibly rude to captivate him in Japan, all the way on the other side of the hemisphere. And, in the meantime, I had to deal with that obnoxious brat, Grell. If twelve hours of singing lullabies to him wasn't torture, I am not quite sure what is.

However, I must be grateful for your impact on him. Lately, he has been much…I am not quite sure. Happy, airy, pleasant. Something like that. He seems fidgety now that he has returned, but somewhat relieved as well. I demand for you to come on a visit. I think I'd quite like to meet you and your friends.

Sincerely,

Ciel Phantomhive

PS: Tell your turtle he is extraordinarily strong. He must have the strength of Him Man.


	102. Teenage Girl Bastard

**Dear Teenage Girl Bastard,**

Can you talk, I don't know, NINE THOUSAND OCTAVES LOWER, DAMMIT? I can't even fucking type with you snorting every damn second with your damn friends who probably sleep with Barney the damn Dinosaur! And what the hell do YOU sleep with, bastard, a Care Bear? Stop fucking laughing!

And why the hell did you just spray that damn perfume? It's not fucking sexy when you reek of dead fish and pretty purple pansies! It's not? No! It's a fucking turn-off! That hobo eating across the mall, even he can smell your shit! And if you don't stop spraying it I swear to God he's going to fucking jump you!

GO HOME!  
Lovino Vargas/The Guy You Apparently Want to Lick Wine off Of

PS: Kids under thirteen shouldn't be drinking wine, bastard!

PSS: Shut the hell up or I'll DUCKTAPE your damn mouths SHUT!


	103. Yo, Antonio!

**Yo Antonio!**

You're getting married? That's pretty awesome! Congratulations!

But to Romano? Will that even work? I mean, you're on two sides of Europe here! Maybe you could meet in the middle? Pun intended.

Anyway, I definitely agree! If you want to get married, go on ahead. It's your choice and no one can tell you differently. You're one hot stud with all the girls frolicking around you! Lovino's pretty lucky, man!

Good luck!

Turkey

PS: How's your mother gonna take this, stud? She's gonna FREAK! Tell me when you send the letter out; I'll get my camera.


	104. Antonio, Love Madre

**Dear Antonio,**

You're going to propose? To VARGAS? You are an IDIOT! How can my own son marry another IDIOT?! You are the stupidest son a señora could have! Lovino Vargas IS AN IDIOT! This is almost as horrible as the day you cooked the caviar at my last wedding reception!

Do you remember the time you kissed that lady at your cousin's wedding because you didn't know she was the bride? Or the time you tried to nail that English man because you thought he was French? Or the time you made out with that woman at Alberto's and it was a he-she-it? Well this is worse than any of that! Much worse! Don't marry that pathetic loser, Antonio, or you'll be out of the family in a heartbeat!

You're an idiot,

Madre

PS: Now, as much as I love to burst your bubble, you'll be shattered and heartbroken to know that everyone else who could possibly read this will agree.


	105. No, Antonio!

**Dear Antonio,**

No Antonio don't listen to her! Its not true, he isn't an Idiot and neither ar you. Sure you have made some mistakes and what not (really a he-she-it?).But you love him and he loves you so it's true love! :) Asking him marry you is a great idea and im pretty sure he'll say yes...but first he'll probably throw a fit and curse at you in all the languages (mainly Italian) he knows before reluctantly (he's just shy (for lack of a better word)) agrees. :)

Ok enough of my ... what ever that was and back to my point ... I do not agree with her at all.

Your Quirky...Fangirl :)

Vanne-Nessa

Ps How did you meet Romano, and what is this I heard about fireworks and someone confessing first?


	106. Dearest Lovi

**Dear Lovi:**

Greatings from Mexico city. Anyways, I wanted to let you know that I think you are a very interesting person. yet I like you and the way you think (but you should consider watching your damn mouth once in a while) and the way you are. You are my favorite nation.

Being raised by Spain, unfortunately, I have inherited part of his sweetness and airheaded-ness and my love for turtles, so don't hate me or my nation. We have strong Aztec blood as well. I wanted to ask you something very, very important:

What are the chances of a shit storm coming toward France? I hate France...*shiver* ...hate him so much. Could you and/or the Mafia take care of that Bastard? He tried to rape me and take control of me...again. please? PLEASE!? POR FAVOR!

Muchas Gracias, querido Italia del Sur

Galilea Estrada ( better known as MEXICO)


	107. Dear the Whole Damn World

**Dear the Whole Damn World,**

So, you bastards think you can hide something from me? Well you can't! Letters have been coming in like crazy since last week, and I have a fucking restriction towards them. A RESTRICTION! What the fuckin hell am I, TWELVE?!

You bastards have got something against me, I can fucking tell! And I'm gonna figure it out if it's the LAST THING I DO! AND NO, THAT'S NOT CLICHÉ BECAUSE IT'S GONNA FUCKING HAPPEN!

Dammit, screw you bastards! I've got better things to do, like go fucking cry mydamnself to sleep because Antonio and that damn neighbor of mine want to go to England. FUCKING A! What the hell are we going to fucking EAT there?! What are we gonna do when that damn English bastard throws himself at MY Antonio? I'll tell you what's gonna fucking happen, I'm gonna kick that bastard's ass to fucking Timbuktu, wrap rope around his damn neck, and tie him to a fucking Chucky Cheeses or whatever the hell that little kid's hell is! That bastard is gonna fucking wish he COULD cook by the time I'm done with him!

Screw you bastards!

Lovino Vargas/On Behalf of All of Fucking Romano

PS: Antonio's so damn weird I don't know what to fucking do with myself anymore. Yesterday, he went to Jareds. HE WENT TO JAREDS. The damn bastard likes pretty pink necklaces and fucking pink earrings, the bastard. And, uh, I'm too…well, I don't want to, uh…well, one of you bastards ask him if his ears are pierced. Just send him a damn letter or something, he's been getting a fucking truck load of them anyway…


	108. Antonio's Story

**Dear Vanne-Nessa and Others Wondering About Lovi and I,**

So, you want to know how I met my dear Lovi and how I confessed my love, eh? Well, it's a long story! Maybe Twinkies should type some form of story up for that. I'll explain as best I can:

A long time ago, before the Crusades and World Wars, I was just a young chico with big hopes for my future. My older brother, João, made sport of me often because, well…I suppose I was a bit dorky back then. But remember, this was about 1200 AD!

Anyway, one day, my mother decided one day she was to wed an Italian man who could help her build her country, Spain, which my older brother, João, was supposed to receive. She sent me off to Italy to meet the family and attend a school. I will admit, I was intimidated. It was such a long way from the first colony of Spain, and I was terrified! But then, as I was exploring the coliseum during one of the festivals, I accidentally bumped into a young girl. She was about twelve but she was sweet and forgave me in the next instant. Then, her cousin came nagging and scolding her and I suddenly felt a cold sweat come over me—it was Lovino! I had met him once before when he was maybe ten in your age time, but that had been a while back. He had grown and was very handsome for his age.

It was a while before I finally broke the ice between Lovino and I—he was still upset I hadn't pushed his cousin over the railing—and we became friends. After a short while longer, I realized I loved him, truly. But wasn't sure how he felt, so I kept my mouth shut. After several months, I left for Spain and he cried. Lovino, my dearest Lovino, cried because he thought he would never see me again!

Then, of course, my brother ended up being Portugal and I was declared Spain after a long adventure that includes magic, witches, a dragon or two, and some crazy cannibals. However, the relationship that was set up between Italy and Spain was a little…confusing. Since my mother married Grandfather Rome, Lovino and I were brothers, and brothers cannot marry. That would be wrong!

Then Grandfather Rome disappeared and madre was a widow until she married some guy and helped my brother create Portugal. Now, I know it's your understanding that we are brothers, Lovino and I, as most assume. I was sort of a branch off of Rome, Lovino's city after his Grandfather passed,—though no one knows where he really went—and so we were labeled with that sort of relationship. It killed me to think I could never be with Lovino because of how society thought of our growing countries. I was sure we would forever be brothers, nothing more. I never told a soul about my secret love.

Let's take a quick backtrack: Feliciano came around the time I first went to Rome and was very persistent in getting to know me. He was a good kid, but Lovino hated him. Feliciano was, in a way, the new Italy and it broke Lovino's heart to see he was slowly becoming shadowed. I felt his every ache. Of course, Feliciano didn't know what he was doing—he was simply doing what he thought he was supposed to do, which was whatever Grandpa Rome said to do. Their grandfather was a bastard to Lovino. When we first met, I thought the world of him until I learned it was his fault Lovino was slipping under.

There was nothing I could do. It didn't take long before Feliciano was the new icon of Italy and Romano was, in a way, exiled. I wasn't able to visit often and he never seemed to cheer up after that. He never spoke to me about his problems, but his cousin told me quite a bit about his hardships when she snuck off to my country. It made me ache.

I don't remember when Lovino and I parted; we had been together for so long. I'm pretty sure it was around the early fifteenth century, around there somewhere. Those years were cold and I found no sunlight until one day, I came across him during one of the wars. My, he had grown even more! I didn't care anymore, I confessed right then and there, at the Roman harbor as a military ship sailed by and a raid of Englishmen were passing us by, that I had missed him because I loved him more than life and I had since I could remember.

He punched me and broke my jaw. He didn't even come to the hospital! I was there for a week while they worked on my jaw and the only word I got from him was through his cousin, and she gladly explained he was secretly regretful he had hurt me. After the doctor released me, his cousin snuck me into a festival the Vargas' were hosting and before them all, I announced I wanted to court their oldest son, Lovino.

Of course, everyone was shocked, but then his cousin agreed it would be a 'wonderful idea—they were made for one another!' and the rest of the family was bought.

Lovino hated me for a fairly long while until he came around and admitted he'd loved me all along, but he swore he'd only tell me that one time.

But not every Italian is true to their word, no?

And so, that's the summary of it! I'll have to see if Twinkies is up to rewriting that story; she's looking for something funnier and much more enjoyable to write. Well, she's busy, as she reminds me everyday, but I think she'd be up to it. What do the rest of you think?

Thank you for listening to my story! It was brilliant, no?

Antonio/Spain

PS: Thank you all for supporting me! I'm excited and terrified all at the same time! I don't want Lovino to break my jaw again, but I must know if he'd like to spend his life with me. It would certainly be a challenge, but I'm up to the risk!


	109. Attention Countries of Earth and Mars

**Dear Every Single Country but France and Belgium,**

Hey, guys! Psst! Guess what! Tony and Lovino are together, yeah? Well any day now Tony's gonna pop the question. You know, the the THE question that's one of the most important questions ever? The question that every guy or girl waits for her entire life except it's really hard to find time these days because everything is crazy and I don't know how else to explain this.

You don't get it? No? Morons.

THEY'RE GETTING MARRIED, GUYS! MARRIED! ANY DAY NOW! So I need an intelligent country or two—please, no weird décor, China—to help me decorate when the time comes. Oh, and I need food! No McDonald's or English scones. This is a wedding, not a Bar-B-Que.

England and Austria, I need you guys to gather some of your finest wine. Roderich, shut up—I know you love your wine (please, you didn't think anyone knew, you secret drunky?), but be a saint and help me out. England…just don't bring any food. America, I need you to either hire a DJ (no heavy metal, please; this is a damned wedding) or do it yourself. Try to pick at least three lovey dovey songs. Lich and Seychelles, you two can help Taiwan with decorating and Switzerland, please don't buy them a bar of soap. I love you as much as I do Lovino, Antonio, and Feliciano, but come on, at least spend over $10. Prussia, Russia, Germany, you dudes are the groom's men. You guys get to hang out and get drunk—but please stay in the cellar and don't show up drunk on the wedding day or I'll kick your asses…okay, maybe not. Just please don't be drunk on that day or I'll figure out some way to kick your asses.

Japan, please, please, PLEASE cater me some sushi, bro! If not for the wedding, at least for me. In the mean time, help the others decorate or something. France…please stop molesting Romano. This is a wedding. Come on, don't be that guy. Like those guys who wave their lighters at a Styx concert. I mean, come on, don't do that. Anyway, Egypt, you are awesome. Please help me go shopping; I don't know what the hell to get. You've been around the longest—help me out, bro! Poland, you're coming with us. And Turkey, don't fight with Greece. Please. This is SPART—no, I'm kidding, this is a wedding. You guys can cook something up, I'm sure. Just don't let England in the kitchen, please. Portugal, I know you're Spain's brother and all, but please, no unnecessary comments about whose older or who killed who. Hungary, if anyone can do it, you can: please keep Belgium out. I don't care WHAT you have to do, just keep her away. You know what they say: Anchors away!

Away, away.

No one tell Feliciano. He'll just tell Lovino and then we'll be screwed. The rest of you guys are invited, but again, this is a wedding. Have some respect. That means no biting, Romania. Baltics, if Russia's a bitch, please tell me. Turkey, Hungary and Switzerland will be there; I promise you'll be okay. Scotland, not smoking. You'll set the flowers on fire. Everyone else: help with decorating, etc. If you're useless, just hang out.

I'll tell you guys 'When!'

Twinkies

PS: Honestly, what do you all think of the Novel? I'm sort of losing interest in it; I'd rather do something alone the lines of fantasy, mystery, and sci-fi. I could totally do that with Antonio and Lovino's story; I could even add Nicolla back in. I need something faster pace is all, so I may just start on this new story and leave the Novel for a little while. I'll still add in Dear Bastard letters, here and in the story. This week I'll have three other letters out by Friday and even more over the weekend! :D Stay tuned! And thank again, guys, for your support! I really appreciate it, SOOOO MUCH 3


	110. Dear Twinkies Bitch

**Dear Twinkies Bitch,**

What do you think you're going to accomplish leaving me out of the wedding, you bitch? Lovino is, like, SO yesteryear! Antonio WILL be mine, you can count on that. He's in denial; he doesn't love Lovino. No one likes Italians; they're always drunk and they have no morals or manners.

You want to know why I'm the perfect girl for Antonio? Because he needs a strong girl that knows how to deal with money. Someone who's pretty and kind to all. Lovino isn't ANYTHING like that. I doubt he can even count the number of people he'd cussed at! He'd be better off counting who he's been NICE to because that would be really difficult! I have pretty blonde hair. I'm so sexy; Lovino's got nothing on me!

I'm coming to that wedding whether you like it or NOT!

Bella/Belgium

PS: Belarus will help me! Totally! And Egypt isn't going shopping with you—he doesn't even like you.


	111. Love, the Nations

**Dear Belgium,**

Dude, shut up! We're having a party, dude! Don't ruin it! It's a celebration, aru! You should be happy we're even allowing you to park in the parking lot! Yeah, I agree! It's totally unawesome the way you're acting, Bella. Da, try to be nice, OK? Yeah, don't screw this up, Bella! We're, like totally busy and I'm totally going shopping with Twinkies tomorrow, so yeah!

You are very not nice. I agree with Ukraine and my brother—you are a pest. Marry me, brother, marry me, marry me

Anyway, I think you're kinda overreacting. Hai, Denmark, I think so, too. I think she has right! Shut up, Mrs. Carriedo; you're not a country anymore! But is the wedding gonna be around Christmas? I could wrap my gifts as Christmas presents then! Knowing mi hermano, he's gonna wanna marry right away, the little shmuck…Ouch, Portugal, you shouldn't say that about your brother. Yes, I agree with Seychelles. Mr. Portugal, please try to be happy for your brother—I know I am.

What is this about wine?! You want MY wine, girl? For a wedding? Well, I do love weddings…all right! As long as I can arrange the music. I have the better music, you know. AND better wine! I'm not Great Britain for nothing, you twat. Mein Gott, this is going to be a loooong month…Don't say that, Mr. Germany! I'll help you guys, too! Sealand, you're not a country. YES I AM! I'm just small, that's all! Well, Canada isn't small, but everyone forgets about him. Twinkies didn't even remember him in the lass' letter. (Wh-what? Oh…) Scotland, don't be a downer. Come on, lighten up! She remembered him; since Antonio doesn't have a best man, Matthew's gonna be it….Taiwan, how'd you know that? Open ears, Vietnam, open ears.

My grandson is getting married? REALLY?! Yes, old man, now stop taking up letter space. AND DON'T TELL FELICIANO, HE'LL FUCK IT UP. Yes, don't tell him, da-ze! He will screw us! One day, I hope I'll marry someone as wonderful as Antonio…Good God, Latvia, you've got a crush. Sh-shut up, Estonia! L-leave me alone! Guys, I'm a little worried about my brother, Poland, shopping with Twinkies. When he shops, he doesn't stop, and Twinkies hates shopping…Naw, she'll be fine, mate! Poland ain't as scary as a croc! When did we start talking about crocs? Why am I writing? So tired…Greece, just go to bed.

The wedding? Well, if Mr. Austria is there…You just can't let the past die, can you? Eh, leave her alone, Sweden. And sure, I won't fight with that damn Greece…as long as he doesn't give me lip. Oh, please; you'll give HIM lip FIRST! Don't push it, Philippines…just don't. On behalf of my country of India (and on Israel's, too) we will gladly help you decorate! I, too, will help. Blessings from Hong Kong, Spain and Romano.

Twinkies, are you insinuating that I'm cheap? Don't you patronize me! That's low…All right, dammit! I'll spend a cent—ONLY A CENT—over $10. Oh, Twinkies, of course I will help you shop. You are my friend. I would be glad to assist you. Belgium is simply jealous. Don't worry; she'll soon recover. I'll see you then.

LATER DUDE! Why do you get to write the ending? I'M gonna write STAY AWESOME, GUYS! Shut up, Prussia! Let me Goodbye, Twinkies! I will make sure big brother isn't cheap! Lich, give me a minute! Da, farewell, until next time!

Dammit LATER, TWINKIES!

You're Buddies, the Nations

PS: Maybe we can let Belgium in and ducktape her mouth? Damn, Mexico…you're smart!

PPS: I didn't get a single word in! Now you shall have to listen to my letter: Why am I not permitted to join the wedding? All the countries are invited, no? Well, why not me? I demand you let me join or I won't supply any caviar! Dude, Francis, chill. We'll let you in, we just don't want you molesting Antonio, dude. It's gross. Ah…well, then I won't! I promise! Please, let me join you! I love alcohol!

PPPS: Can we bring dates? I could totally bring a date! And I promise, I promise, I won't bite anyone...hard.


	112. Dear Twinkies San

Dear Twinkies-san,

I'm honored that my sushi will be in Romano-kun and Spain-san's wedding menu. So yes, I will do my best to serve the best sushi I can make. But if you could please send me a list of ingredients that should /not/ be there, then I will make sure not to make said ingredients with sushi.

Thank you once again for inviting me. I will look forward to it.

As for Belgium-san...I heard that Netherlands-san is already going to have a talk with her.

Sincerely, Japan (aka Honda Kiku)


	113. Kiku, My Main Bro

**Dear Kiku, My Main Bro,**

Thanks, Kiku. You're so damn awesome! I totally LOVE YOU, bro!

Remember when we first met? I was drunk and I fell out the window at Fillippe's? And then I crashed through your carriage and Yao hit me with his stick? And then you were a badass and helped me out and it took, like, five hours to find my house? And then remember that day Hercules came by and he fought over you with Sadiq? So then we slowly walked backwards and ran to the river? And then Francis popped up and started molesting you so I told him Arthur was in love with him and he ran off and we got to go fishing?

Well, thanks for those times, dude. You've been a bro for as long as I can remember! Thanks for the good times, man. They've been really inspiring and we've had tons of fun. I'm excited for the wedding, man. Let's party like it's 1999!

Arigato, Bro!

Twinkies

PS: Thanks for the sushi! Sushi is the best thing ever invented. And tell Netherlands…that if he doesn't come back…Good riddance. No, no, I'm kidding! Tell him: Just Don't Die.


	114. Kiku, Love?

**Dear Twinkies-san,**

Y-You love me? ...I-I'm sorry, but I cannot accept your feelings!

Ah...yes, I do remember. That was a...very chaotic day. Thank you for saving me from France-san...that was very embarrassing. A Japanese man should've been able to defend himself from...sexual predators.

Greece-san and Turkey-san called me later that day...it took a few hours to calm them both once more.

Thank you as well for being a very nice friend of mine, as well.

Sincerely, Japan (aka Honda Kiku)

PS: It was not a problem. And thank you for the compliment. Oh, and Netherlands-san said you owe him money...


	115. Friendship, Dude

**Dear Kiku, Dude,**

In love with you? Haha! That's not what I meant at all! You're just a good friend to me, that's all. It's kinda hard to find good friends these days, you know? Like how Arthur's such good friends with Francis even though they fight nonstop and hate on each other and call each other everyday just to argue. I simply feel relieved we've been able to stick together for so long—unlike some people.

***Cough***Vash and Roderich***Cough***

You tend to kinda take things as seriously as they come, don't you? There's love, then there's broship. You're an honorary bro, man! Personally, I think you'd look mighty great with Hercules…I mean, pssh, what?

Toast to friendship, dude!

Twinkies

PS: I owe Netherlands…oh. Was that for wrecking his Jeep into a tree or driving the Mercedes off the cliff? Or maybe it was the time I crashed a boat into his yacht? Oh, I know, he wants me to pay for the damage I did after James Bond and I saved the world from the forces of Russia and defected the satellite that crashed into his house and set it on fire then blew it up…I really hope it's not for ALL of this. Uh…Anyone nice enough to bail me out?


	116. Shit About to Get Serious

**Dear Belgium,**

I have read some of the letters you've sent to my home. My brother sent them to me yesterday; I haven't been home in a week.

I'm not going to lie, I'm insulted with your lack of respect! You're kind of in denial, aren't you? It's a little appalling, honestly, because you even wrote to Twinkies and told her off. I heard she's not letting you into the wedding. Honestly, if you don't stop harassing us, I'm going to have to pay security to keep you out.

Gilbert and Francis are still my best friends and I'm still included in their trio. I always will be. But I'm not the 'Touch' part of it anymore. I'm a grown man and I've fallen in love. I'm not going to blow all my devotion on a one-night stand.

Bella, I'm in love. Not with you. With Lovino. I always will be. I don't think there will ever be a day that I could live otherwise. No, I know I couldn't live without him. Lo siento, Bella, but Lovino is the only one I want.

Antonio Carriedo/Spain

PS: I don't hate you. We can still save our friendship. Please don't harass Lovino or Twinkies anymore. He still doesn't know I'm going to propose to him and I want it to be a surprise.


	117. Dearest Lovino

**Dearest Lovino,**

I don't know if you've heard, but Twinkies and a few of her friends—Egypt, Lich, and some school friends, Hayley, AJ, and Becca she said—are going to throw a party this Monday at six! We're invited, so I was wondering if you might like to…uh, come with me? I know you don't like parties very much, however I think it would be a fun experience—you need to stay social, you know. Could you consider coming with me? I would be extremely happy if you could.

And I wanted to apologize for the way I've been acting lately. I've been so busy with, uh…Well, anyway, you should join me at the party!

With never-ending love,

Antonio

PS: I really hope you'll join me. I have…a surprise. For you.


	118. Mainly About Egypt Being a Duche

**Dear Antonio,**

A party, huh? Well, if it's Twinkies, it's sure as hell gonna suck like the bastard she is. Russica is a fucking stalker and AJ is a diet freak. Egypt, Gupta, is a ball-sucking bastard with no taste and I don't care what he has to say about that!

Last year, I went to his damn country for a PLEASANT vacation, and do you know what the hell I found there? Well, it sure as hell wasn't PLEASANT! It was fucking sandy and dirty! You could feed a whole damn army with all that sand! Then some dumbass thought it would be a good idea to stuff two camels in a tiny car and when I tried to help them out, they fucking spat on me! Egypt is a fucking STUPID COUNTRY! It's not even good for fucking bombing! What the hell is the point?

Tell Twinkies she can fucking SUCK IT!

Lovino

PS: Surprise?…Uh, well, if it's a surprise, I can't turn that down…DAMMIT, I'LL COME! Pick me up at five, bastard.


	119. Dear España

**Dear España,**

HOW WAS I NOT AWARE OF THIS?! Idiota, you never told me you were getting married, damn it. Did you break into my tequila stash again when that happened? Seriously, you tell everyone about the wedding but you don't tell me-even Belgium knows! How? I don't know how.

Don't leave me out of this, things just got serious and you know how much I like stuff like that. And include tequila! *spazzes*

Your little "brother",

Rafael Fernandez-Hidalgo (aka North Mexico)


	120. Dear Countries Standing By

**Dear Countries Standing By,**

All right, guys! Tomorrows THE NIGHT. Like, the night, you know? As in, THE NIGHT ANTONIO IS GOING TO PROPOSE TO LOVINO HOLY HELL I DON'T EVEN I'M SO EXCITED! Only because Antonio wimped out last night, so tomorrow we're gonna have a surprise party! Everyone get there by four PM! Not AM, PM!

It was ridiculous! There I was, spying behind one of the doors and Antonio was just about to pop the question when Arthur came out onto the deck with a pipe and a bottle of wine. Lovino got pissed and tried to beat the shit out of him, then Antonio tried to stop them and he got punched. So they just sat around for a couple minutes, fighting, until AJ ran out there and beat the living hell out of Lovino and Arthur with my wide-screen…Anyway, we're gonna set up a surprise party for them! Maybe it will help Antonio propose.

Gupta, Feliks—you guys are going shopping with me tomorrow. And Vash, you're gonna come shopping with us whether you like it or not. Why? Because I know you. Very well. If I'm not there, watching you pick out a gift, you're going to get something stupid.

Romania, you can bring a date if you want. I don't see why not. England, don't fight with Lovino again. Actually, just stay away from the alcohol period. America, watch him. Groom's men, please drink responsibly. Baltics, don't hide in the closet like you did at the last party. It's tacky to ignore the partiers. Ukraine, whatever you do, don't start sobbing or running. It will distract the partiers. Belarus…Natalia, please stop asking your brother to marry you. At least not tonight.

China, don't insult anyone. Especially not Lovino. And Japan, keep Bella away from Antonio. Even if you have to go all Super Saiyan, KEEP BELLA AWAY!

Portugal, please stop badmouthing your brother. That's tacky. Liech and Seychelles, you two are in charge of finding some gauze and maybe a mattress. No one knows exactly how Lovino's gonna take this…

All sides of Mexico, set up the fiesta! If anyone can do it, you guys can! As for the rest of you…help the Mexicans decorate and set up the party. And don't get to drunk. We still have to surprise Lovino and Antonio when they come to the party! And maybe some of you should guard the doors. We can always activate Plan B—lock the doors until Antonio mans up and proposes!

Good Luck, Men! I'm Counting on You All!  
Twinkies

PS: All right, France. You can come. Just don't…molest anyone. Please. And bring in the caviar.


	121. HE DID IT!

**Dear My Poor Ill Friend, Feliks,**

Feliks, bro! I know you wanted to go shopping with me and you were excited for the party. I know you're sick, and I know you don't want me to tell you about it, but I MUST!

So there I was. The decoration came out beautifully with golden ribbons and draperies and red to match every table set and a royal blue covered the rest. It was like a royal ball! Gupta and I had found some handcuffs—you don't need to know where we got those—and we waited, secretly plotting a Plan B if Antonio should wimp out again. Antonio finally arrived with Lovino and we shut the doors and locked them. I think Antonio knew what we were going to do because he became pale quickly and almost passed out. Lovino yelled at him for stomping his foot and Antonio righted himself and walked off and melted into the crowd with Lovino.

Ivan and Arthur, surprisingly, didn't knock themselves out cold with all the vodka and wine this time. Course, it could also be because I had Roderich bring watered down alcohol; he knew what I knew and he knew what Arthur and Ivan were thinking when they came. God bless you, Roderich!

Anyway, Yao behaved himself; he didn't insult a single soul! Can you believe it? Of course, at one point Alfred put a US flag in his drink—sort of like the umbrellas in the coconuts—but Yao behaved very well and he shoved it back into Alfred's pocket when he wasn't looking—along with a Chinese flag. Kiku was talking to Hercules and Sadiq found them by the study. He and Hercules were about to start fighting again when Francis bolted through; he was drunk. And naked. Again.

Ludwig came up just in time from the back stairwell beside the study with a keg of beer, but he dropped it when he saw me, and the keg rolled into Francis' way. He tripped and hit his head on the railing and knocked himself out cold. Don't worry—he's all right; Ludwig dragged him upstairs into one of the rooms. Seychelles saw; she came down the same staircase two seconds later. Her face was purple, I tell you! You're favorite shade of it, too!

Lili played the piano—she's amazing!—and Bernard even persuaded Roderich to play a duet with her. It was awesome! But Vash ruined it—he dragged Lili off the bench and escorted her out to the gardens to monologue. Roderich seemed a little upset (honestly, when will he and Vash make up?), but then Natalia broke through a window and jumped on Ivan's back and Roderich got up, screaming and yelling for them to either take it outside or leave the party all together. I love getting rises out of him! It's so damn amusing.

Later that night, Elizabeta went to talk to Roderich, and they were having a pleasant time—until Gilbert walked over, shook up a can of Dr. Pepper and popped the lid in their faces. He ran off and Roderich gave chase. I was sure Gilbert would make it outside—the safe zone where Vash's guns were—but he tripped over Lovino Jr. and Sadiq had to drag Roderich off of him. I don't even know WHO brought Lovino Jr. I bet it was Feliciano.

Speaking of our other favorite Italian, he stalked Ludwig most the night with Sadiq's mask (of course, he didn't know it was Sadiq's; he found it by the bar). Sadiq caught him and was about to strangle him when—duh-duh duuuuuuh!—Ludwig came to the rescue! He and Sadiq faced off until Yao AND Roderich stomped over and started nagging. Roderich was soaked! I guess Sadiq chucked him into the fountain.

Anastasia (you know, Ukraine) started sobbing when Eduard gave her flowers, so Gilbert proposed she hadn't been drinking enough (he was soaked, too). I told him it was a bad idea, but he did it anyway, and Ana went ballistic. Good God, she was drunk! It was hilarious! She actually started feeling Ravis up and she even flirted with Lukas! Lukas sort of freaked and he stumbled backward over a chair. He knocked heads with your brother, Travis, and Travis flipped the coffee table over the second floor balcony onto Matthew's head. No one even noticed! Lukas didn't apologize to Travis, but Travis did blush and said he was sorry.

I ran downstairs to check on Matthew. He was really bent out of shape, the poor guy. Amazingly, he was physically fine, but mentally he was not. He started crying, blubbering that no one cared and it wasn't fair, so I told him I'd hang out with him for the night. He didn't seem like he believed me; I'm sure he thought I was going to leave after too long. But I stayed with him all through the night. He and I have bonded pretty well!

Now, as we both know, Peter (Sealand) doesn't like me. He hadn't since I called him—what was it?—an "insect." I didn't know he was supposed to be a legit stick! I thought he was a stickbug! But anyway, I caught him under one of the buffet tables. He had stolen all the M'N'M's! I told him that wasn't fair and he called me a "royal jerk!" Then he got up and kicked my shin and ran off!

It hurt like hell, but Matthew began laughing, so I guess it was worth it. But then João emerged from one of the back rooms and he made fun of my hair (all the craziness messed it up), and Matthew surprised us both. He snapped, "Leave her alone, you jerk! You don't have the right! Antonio's the one making something of his life—not YOU!" João got really pissed and almost slapped Matthew. Kiku walked over to talk to Matthew and I and, after glimpsing Kiku's katana, João excused himself and left. The son-of-a…

After a while, Francis rejoined the party and I found him trying to seduce Lukas' sister, Katrine (Greenland). She smacked him and walked off. He tried flirting with me, but Arthur distracted him when he revealed to Francis that the wine was watered down; how the hell was he still drunk?

So Matthew, Kiku and I went snooping around for Lovino and Antonio and we finally found them out on the balcony. Feliks, bro, this is it! I recorded the following with my phone if you wanna see it!

Matthew, Kiku and I hid by the door and Antonio and Lovino stood out by the railing, gazing at the bright lights of Rome. Antonio was saying something about how he had felt when Lovino had broken it off the first time. I hadn't realized they'd ever had a falling out. Then again, I've only known Lovino for a few years now and Antonio for slightly less. Lovino told him he hadn't meant anything he'd said, which included a lot of "bastard" and "damned Spanish fucker." Antonio laughed and told him it was all right. He wasn't hurt anymore because Lovino was with him now, and that was all he had ever cared about. It had hurt at the time, but those wounds were closed.

Lovino told him he was being an idiot and brought up their remeet at some diner in Prague. Antonio divulged: he was excited beyond bounds when he saw Lovino again. Lovino mumbled something like, "You're a fucking romanticist."

Antonio laughed and hugged Lovino. Kiku and Matthew shrank away from the PDA, but I just laughed and kept recording.

Lovino confessed his heart had been pounding in his ears the entire dinner. He even excused himself and went to the bathroom for half an hour. Antonio said, "I was wondering why you were gone for so long!" and Lovino growled, "Don't rub it in…bastard…"

After parting, Antonio said he was depressed the entire ride back to his hotel. He didn't want to beg Lovino to take him back—apparently, he had cheated on Lovino when they had separated this first time—because he knew Lovino would push back and it would either take slow, critical seduction or alcohol to have even half of a chance at winning Lovino's heart again. Antonio spoke quietly as he explained how miserable he felt during the ride. He knew he had done Lovino wrong when he had kissed the girl—*Gasp!* Bella!—and he had regretted it. He and Bella had had a fling for a while. You see, Antonio and Lovino met a looong time back. But at the time, he and Lovino were parts of two very different worlds.

Antonio had thought Bella was the one, though she was arrogant and stubborn. She was beautiful and every other man was jealous of him. But he and Lovino had met again sometime later, when Antonio was still with Bella, at a festival in Rome. Antonio, Lovino admitted, was charming. He had liked Antonio from the beginning, but he had ignored it because he thought love was "a dumb feeling only bastards like my damn neighbor dream about." Hey, I can't help if I'm a romanticist! I guess Antonio and I are alike.

Anyway, Lovino and Antonio fell in love after a few days. A mere few days! It had to be true love, Antonio said, but Lovino waved it off, accusing him of romanticizing again. Silently, I know he agrees with Antonio on that one. They ended up together of course—until Bella came to visit Antonio to see how he was doing the following week. She was furious, as she would have right to be, and dumped Antonio. He later found out she had been seeing other men besides him. Antonio admitted it stung a little, but it was in the past. He only had eyes for Lovino, no one else.

But then, he and Lovino had fought. They didn't break up, but they parted ways very depressed. Feliciano, his cousin Nicolla, and an old family friend, Gupta (if you can't recall, I knew Gupta at this point), decided to host a fiesta. I didn't know Lovino or Antonio very well, but Gupta told me he wanted my help in setting things right. Nicolla agreed; she told me that 'Any friend of Gupta's is a friend of mine!' I remember all I did was hang out and party and then I blindfolded Lovino when he arrived and Gupta helped me drag him over to where Antonio was by the bar, drinking his brain away. They were happy once more!

However, Bella returned a couple years later, desperate to have Antonio back. He was still going strong with his Touch label; how could he say no? Antonio kissed her and knew it was wrong the moment they touched. Gilbert saw them. Now, though he and Lovino don't really publicize it, they have a friendship going on. Gilbert called him and told him what had transpired. Lovino broke up with Antonio via voice-mail.

So Antonio continued explaining how horrible he felt in the car. He had hurt Lovino terribly once before. But fate kept throwing them at each other and finally Antonio broke down as Lovino was leaving one day. They had met at the park and Lovino was walking away after a heated argument. Antonio—this is so cute!—dropped to his knees and grabbed Lovino's legs, begging and pleading for him to stay, admitting that he had screwed up horrifically. Lovino recalled Antonio had shouted and rambled with garbled words until Lovino finally caved.

He smacked Antonio, then punched him, and then started sobbing. He confessed that he still loved Antonio, that he hadn't felt the sun's touch in so long. Antonio kept apologizing and begging for forgiveness. Lovino couldn't turn from him; he kissed Antonio and neither could let go. They made up and reunited.

The only other time they separated was when Antonio had kissed another girl while he was waiting for Lovino at a movie theater. That day was the day Antonio tossed aside his Touch title. Gilbert and Francis knew he had it bad and they wished him luck.

They didn't talk about how they got back together that time because Antonio had started crying. Lovino punched him and asked him why the hell he was crying. "What the fuck!" He shouted. "Dammit, why the hell are you crying? Man the fuck up, bastard!"

"Lo siento," Antonio said. "I'm so sorry, Lovino. I did so much to you."

"You kissed a fucking shit load of girls," Lovino exclaimed. "What the hell does it matter? It's in the damned past!"

Antonio smiled and said, "But I was so arrogant in the past. I am so good looking. Every girl seems to want me."

"Don't fucking say that, bastard!" Lovino yelled. I didn't blame him. "You're damn stupid sometimes and you're damned oblivious and you have to flirt with every damn girl out there like that damn Francis, but you're not a damn—dammit, how do I say this?"

Antonio stared at his feet. "I don't believe I deserve you, my sweet, sweet tomato eater. You would never betray me like I've done to you."

"Because I'm a prick, dammit!" Lovino wanted to punch Antonio's lights out, I'm sure. "I don't give a damn about anyone! And I know that's a really fucking horrible thing, but…" He seemed to be struggling with something. Regret maybe? Or maybe I read too much. "You're the only person to have ever really, uh…Really understand me." Antonio looked up. "I don't remember the last time someone cared for me so much. I mean, Feliciano cares. But…I was supposed to be Italy. I was supposed to be Rome itself. So what if I didn't want to paint fucking naked people for the rest of my life? I hated it! Then you came on your damn way and I…Well, I'm a bastard. I know it. I don't know how to trust or care for anyone. I guess that's why I'm such a damned bastard to my neighbors. And Twinkies, damn her."

My heart leaped into my mouth. I've never heard Lovino speak a single sugary word about me! I've been slowly breaking him down for years, but I'd never heard anything like that! I guess it's because Lovino himself is so arrogant and he wouldn't say anything because he doesn't want his dignity crushed. Damn bastard still doesn't know I heard though, heheh.

"I treat her like a damn dog," Lovino continued. Hell yeah, you do! I thought. But I found the power to sympathize once I heard the regret in his voice. "And I treat her and her friends like fucking garbage. I keep thinking it's gonna help if I hurt someone or kick the living shit out of them, but it makes me feel like the damned bastard I am. I'm a damned coward; I get to thinking I can take someone on when I know I can't. Sometimes I just wish that…if I apologized…" He sighed. Antonio looked sweetly puzzled. "I can't believe I'm fucking saying this…dammit…Antonio, you make me feel empowered to do something with my life. I…I trust you."

I think Antonio almost started crying again.

"I know you've screwed me a couple times over," Lovino said, "But it's in the fucking past, all right? It was a damn long time ago and frankly, I don't give a shit anymore. If you betrayed me now, I'd still love you tomorrow, like the idiot I am."

Antonio was silent. I knew he hadn't been expecting that. Matthew aw'd under his breath and Kiku sighed tranquilly.

"I know I'm not perfect," Lovino mumbled, "And God, the fuck you aren't, either! But…I fucking love you, you bastard. Don't walk out on me now."

They stood in silence for a while. Lovino had to look away. I'm not sure if he was crying or if he just couldn't watch Antonio because he felt embarrassed for saying all that mushy stuff. Antonio just stared at Lovino for the longest time with wide eyes and his jaw was almost legit on the ground.

Then, he slowly sank onto one knee. Matthew, Kiku and I gasped and for a shuddering second I thought they might have heard us. But Lovino stared down at Antonio and said in a strangely soft voice, "What the fuck are you doing?"

Antonio, without taking his eyes off of Lovino as if he were afraid he'd disappear, dug into his pocket and pulled out a small, green and red box with some sort of yellow print lining the edges. He was shaking I realized, with a hesitant frown on his face. He didn't know how Lovino would react when he popped that lid open. Neither would anyone else. But he gazed up at Lovino with a weird look in his eyes, as if he were waiting for Lovino to hit him.

Then, the lid popped and I heard Lovino gag on air. He grabbed the railing for support and shuddered.

"Lovino Roma Vargas," Antonio said. Even his voice trembled. For the love of—he's a Spanish Conquistador! I didn't think I'd ever see the day when Antonio would actually be trembling—whether it was out of fear from rejection, excitement, or purely ecstatic happiness from what Lovino had said, or maybe even all three, I'm not sure. "Te quieres casar con migo?"

Lovino was in shock. He didn't say anything and clamped a hand over his mouth.

"Por favor," Antonio almost whispered. "Marry me, my darling tomato lover. I love—ti amo."

I almost screamed and cheered them on! Matthew was deadly still beside me and I wondered for a moment if he was dead. Kiku's eyes were the size of the hamburgers Alfred eats and he was gaping. I felt like we had been pranked, as if someone had gotten us good. An awesome joke, but a surprising one that took us from behind. Even as I write you this letter, I don't even believe I can describe to you how we felt! Beauty, that's what it all was. The setting was perfect and the words were so chillingly beautiful.

Lovino's shoulders shook. I don't know if he was crying at that point, but he shook like an earthquake. Then, he shouted something in Italian—something I didn't catch—and punched Antonio.

"There he goes," Kiku whispered.

"He ruined it," Matthew sighed.

"Dios mios, Antonio, you bastard!" Lovino shouted as if he were cussing out the sky. "Why the FUCK did you keep me fucking HANGING?! Why the fuck did you ask all that bullshit if you were planning on proposing the whole damn time! Fucking HELL!"

Antonio smiled crookedly and stood. "I—lo siento, Lovino! I just—I didn't want to propose if you had any doubt!" Lovino shouted something again. "If I married you and we had regrets, I was afraid it would break us."

"Well what the fuck!" Lovino screamed. "Dammit, Antonio, you fucking went on and on and I fucking thought you were LEAVING, dammit! I was fucking WORRIED!"

"No!" Antonio laughed. It caught Lovino's attention. I thought he was going to slap Antonio again, but instead it seemed to have calmed him. He slumped against Antonio's chest and hugged him like a soldier home from war. Damn, I was surprised! Lovino actually hugged someone! Even Antonio was bewildered, but he smiled again and cradled Lovino like a lost child. "No, never. Even if it never worked out, I could have never—"

"Don't fucking say that!" Lovino shouted, and I realize now he was sobbing. "Don't fucking say anything about leaving, dammit!"

"Does this mean you want to be with me?" Antonio wondered. He looked casual but I could tell he was still freaking. "You want to stay? With me?"

It took a moment for Lovino to answer. At that point anyone tell he was crying. Hell, I was pretty close to crying myself! Matthew had already bursted into tears and Kiku was trying to be manly, but his bottom lip trembled.

"Lovino, please?" Antonio whispered.

Lovino didn't skip a beat; he grabbed the box from Antonio and shouted, "Fuck yes, you bastard! You idiot! Why the fuck do you even need to fucking ASK?!" He slid the ring out of the cushion and stood still for a moment, as if he wasn't sure what to do with it. But he covered his awkwardness; he glared up at Antonio. "Well?" He said. "Are you gonna put it on me or what?"

Antonio didn't smile until he had slid the ring completely onto Lovino's ring finger. The transition was almost immediate: he smiled a young and boyish smile, like a kid who's got his hands on a Klondike Bar. (yeah, that was a horrible metaphor. Just shut up, Feliks!)

"Bastard," Lovino murmured, and I vaguely realized he was crying again. "Could you have been any slower?" He fingered the ring. "And dammit, why is it so loose? It's gonna fly off my damn hand!"

Antonio's brows furrowed; he was flustered. "Should I get another?"

"No!" Lovino practically screamed. He hugged Antonio again. "It's perfect."

Antonio's face was blank. I guessed it hadn't really sunk it yet—that Lovino was going marry him and all and that he loved him unconditionally. But boy, when it did, his face split in two and he laughed, picked Lovino off the ground, and he spun him around like the ending scene on Lady Hawk.

"Oh, Lovino!" Antonio cried once he'd set Lovino on the ground and started kissing him. "I—You—I love you so much! I'll never stop loving you! I love you SO MUCH! Thank you! Oh, Lovino, thank you! I don't even—I love you so MUCH!"

"You better!" Lovino wiped his face dry with the back of his hands. "Dammit, you'd better make me biscotti every morning!"

"Anything!" Antonio confirmed readily. He threw his arms around Lovino and clasped his fingers together behind his back. Then he began rocking side to side on his feet, moving Lovino with him.

"A-and you can't be away on your damn business trips for more than a week!" Lovino added. "I'll stay with you most of the time when you're in Spain and you'd better do the same damn thing for me!"

"Of course!" Antonio was dancing around with his arms still tightly around Lovino, holding him to his chest. It was such a lovely sight, I tell you Feliks. It's probably one of the most awesome things I've ever seen. I'd forgotten I wasn't the only onlooker until I heard Matthew sobbing.

"You have to bake for me and do my damn laundry and-and—" Lovino grabbed Antonio tightly around his waist. "Dammit! I love you, dammit!"

"Oh, Lovino!" Antonio twirled him around. "I'll do whatever you ask me to! I'll always be with you, I promise!"

Antonio's never gone back on his word. Ever. You know as well as I do that he doesn't. He and Lovino are gonna be so damn happy. I'm so jealous!

Kiku, Matthew and I finally left them alone after a while. We soon discovered half the party was knocked out from the beer Ludwig had brought up from the cellar. The rest were like zombies, besides Lili and Vash, who had already left. Kiku, Matthew and I left, too. We're at home as I'm typing you this letter, watching Cabin in the Woods. Damn movie is confusing! But that's not the point; I'm definitely uploading this video to the TV at the conference hall. There's a conference this Sunday I've heard. Lovino and Antonio decided they wanted this to be secret, but I think Sunday will give them enough time, don't you think?

Well, I'll see you tomorrow, buddy! I'm gonna go send something to Bella later…This is going to be such fun!

Get well, Feliks!

Twinkies

PS: Romania had a lovely date. She was very nice! They've been dating for two months now. Hope it works out for them!

PPS: Don't tell ANYONE, Feliks! It'll all be reveled when the time comes and THEN you can say you knew.


	122. Thanks for Inviting Us, Yo!

**Dear Twinkies,**

I am actually rather surprised about everything. España acted...better than at our (Mexico's) independence party. Trust me, he cried a lot more than he did at the proposal party. And I mean A LOT. Anyways, apart from locking up Big Brother Spain, trying to calm Texas down (along with South and Central), everything went muy bien. Except for that Frenchman...if France is reading this...You just scarred Little Brother South Mexico!

Lovino better calm down, I get it, he wasn't expecting anything of this, but he better treat my Big Brother right if they're going to live together (porfavor don't let Spain read that part).

I hope whatever Lovino said didn't make you feel down, señorita, from what España tells me you're a pretty cool person. But thank you for including us in this and helping out, it was fun locking Antonio up.

Adios and Gracias,

Rafael (North Mexico)

PS: And please, just PLEASE tell Antonio to pay me back my tequila! Which reminds me, thank you for including some at the party.


	123. Dear South, North, and Central

**Dear My Buddies the Mexicans,**

No, no, no—thank YOU for helping me out! I saw you guys in the background at the party, helping Feliciano when Sadiq would have beaten him up, saving Roderich before Sadiq drowned him, playing chess with Lukas when he became bored, and talking to Ukraine the whole night—up until Gilbert got her drunk. I saw you guys helping, and no one even had to ask. You guys did so much for the party, even selected all the right music! You guys got along very well with Yao when you were faced with decorating and you didn't argue with him when he wanted something done his way. I'm very gracious, you guys!

I'm gonna send you guys the video! It'll be awesome! But don't tell Lovino or Antonio that I have it—they'll kill me! Well, Antonio will probably laugh it off but hate that I did that—LOVINO will KILL me. IF he finds out. Which I really hope he doesn't.

Which reminds me—I won't dare allow Antonio or Lovino read your letter, guys. I'll keep it in a safe place, and it's NOT UNDER MY MATRESS. And they'll fight, I know they will. Hell, EVERYONE knows. But they love each other more than life, so they'll work it out.

And about the Lovino thing…Well, it used to hurt my feelings when he cussed me out and bopped me around. But honestly…I knew why he was doing it. Poor guy's had a crappy life. He needs SOMEONE to be his punching bag. I'll gladly fill that place. Don't worry about me, guys. I'm a tough cookie! Argh!

And Antonio really thinks I'm cool…? Awesome! I've always thought he was super cool, and he doesn't even try! He's like my role model, you know? Even Matthew looks up to him. He's been talking about Spanish conquistadors lately. You know, because his poor country is ignored. If he went all Super Saiyan he'd never be ignored again.

Which brings me to a favor…Could you help me with Matthew? He's so quiet and thinks there's no way for him to ever reestablish himself. He's a great kid; he just needs some friends. You guys are awesome, so I'm positive you can help him out!

Thanks, South, North, and Central! You guys are awesome!

Twinkies

PS: I'll grab Ludwig and Vash and head over to Francis' house in a bit…Mwahah.

PPS: I'll yell at Antonio for you! He'll buy you another tequila, I'm sure.

PPPS: So…who wants to do the honors and send a letter to Bella? Anyone? Anyone who wants a whack at Belgium, go for it. Don't worry—I'll send her EVERYONE'S fanmail…Heheheh…


	124. From Matthew

**D-Dear Twinkies,**

Hi, it's Canada. You know, Matthew. I really just kind of wanted to thank you for hanging out with me during the party. It really…means a lot to me. You know, because, well…No one ever sees me. I don't feel like I'm actually invisible, but no one ever sees me. Sometimes I feel like I'll just fade through the floor or into a wall. It's so unfair. Alfred is always seen. Mostly everyone likes him. But when he tricks people, they always come after me.

Cuba's gotten better at recognizing me, but maple, why doesn't anyone else see me? What can I do to make them see me? I wonder that all day. Sometimes even Alfred forgets who I am. I mean, he figures it out, but he still forgets. You and Francis seem to be the only ones who ever really notice me…

Well, no, that's not true. Antonio's been noticing me lately. He's really…nice. And Lovino has been noticing me lately, too. I'm…surprised. I don't know why they suddenly see me, but ever since Russia sat on me at the conference last year, they've been seeing me. You're not a country, so you weren't there in the conference room with us, but Russia sat on me and Lovino saw me. He threatened to beat Russia up but he, I think, was intimidated because then Antonio stepped forward and told him to get off of me. It made me feel a lot better.

And I remember the day Francis attended the Vancouver Symphony of Fire over the summer and…he tried to handcuff me. I wasn't really frightened but I was disturbed. Then I felt faint; I thought he was gonna kiss me! Then you showed up with your friends and threatened to chain him to a saggy old man. He sure left me alone after that!

So, I-I mean, anyway…Thanks. And don't worry about what Lovino, Peter, or Mathias say about you. I-I think you're pretty c-cool!

Bye,

Matthew/Canada

PS: I wanna see the fanmail for Bella when you get it…I'm really curious and…heheheh, I guess excited to see her face.


	125. DAMMIT TWINKIES

**DAMMIT TWINKIES,**

I cannot fucking believe you. You fucking previewed the fucking proposal.

FUCKING HELL, WOMAN! THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A FUCKING SECRET! IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A MOTHER FUCKING SECRET, DAMMIT, YOU BASTARD! I CAN'T FUCKING BELEVE YOU!

I was just siting there, minding my own damn business! The damn waitress was serving me coffee and Antonio was sitting across the table without even taking his eyes off of me. Then next thing I fucking know, that damn American bastard is clicking his fucking magical remote and some damned video is playing—Antonio proposing to me!

I knew it was you the second I heard you laughing! You were there with two other bastards, and I know one of them was fucking Canada because I fucking saw him fade into his seat like the damn bastard haunting my damn house! I FUCKING KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE!

I'm gonna fucking KILL YOU when I fucking catch you! You'll never see the damn light of day! I'll fucking chain you to a railroad track and fucking shank you in a Turkish prison! I'll fucking ship you off to Russia, dammit! I'm going to make your life fucking HELL!

FUCK YOU!

Southern Italy/Romano

PS: You're fucking DEAD.


	126. Twinkies

**Twinkies,**

I am very disappointed that you filmed Lovino and I in such an intimate position. It was rude and wrong of you. It was not your place to announce to the whole world that Lovino and I are getting married. It was especially rude because Belgium was in the room and you deliberately disobeyed my wishes to keep this withheld. As an addition, every country was in the same room. You also effectively pissed my sweet tomato eater off, and I wish you wouldn't do that because he's delicate and needs to be safe. I don't want to risk his health with stress and such. I'm surprised he behaved as well as he did during the proposal!

But I guess I can't scold you too much. You also helped me out—a ton! If it weren't for you, I would have had to reveal it myself. It was a good idea actually; everyone thought it was planned.

I was sitting in the conference hall, watching Lovino (there was a maid hitting on him! Why! That's not even right!) when the screen dropped and the video began. After the video ended, Lovino was mortified; he screamed, "TWINKIES!" and ran out of the room to look for you.

The room was silent for a minute. I was a little disconcerted, however then they all started applauding! They cheered me on and congratulated me! Of course, Bella wasn't very happy, but everyone else was excited for me. They were very surprised but impressed that I didn't wimp out this time! Honestly, I am, too…

But anyway, João congratulated me! He patted my back and said, "Nice choice, man. I'm proud of you." I haven't heard him compliment me in a long time. It felt nice! And South, North, and Central Mexico were there. I hadn't seen them in a long time! They also complimented me and wished me all the luck in the world. And Switzerland and Austria! They came to me at the same time and we all started talking to each other! Vash and Roderich were talking to each other! It was very magical, señorita!

And then they all wanted me to find Lovino. When I did, Alfred was recording me on the conference screen, and everyone saw me kissing Lovino. It was very…Well, you dirty pervert, you know!

Gracias, Nicolla! You've really helped me out!  
Antonio

PS: The tequila? Certainly—I'll take South, North, and Central out this weekend for drinks! A very nice bar just opened in Madrid…


	127. Matthew Love

**Dear Matthew,**

Aww Mattie don't feel that way:( I will always remember you for who you are. Form what I have read, it seems that people are starting to notice you more and more. You seem like a pretty Awesome person(You're so awesome it had to be capitalized), and from what I have heard some pretty awesome pankcakes(and maple syrup...can't forget your Awesome maple syrup!) If you invite people over for breakfast and serve your Awesome pankcakes with maple syrup, I'm sure people(and Countries) would say the same thing- that your nothing like your brother( you have the prettiest eyes ever!) and that you are an Awesome person! Remember you have awesome characteristics that make you you( and awesome!) like how your (gentle) smile is nothing like your brothers. Your kind, caring, considerate and you have the cutest curl!

A loving fan

Vanne-Nessa

Ps: If you ever need some one to cheer you up or just need some one to talk to ... im your gal!:)

and we should hang out some time... I make some pretty delicious muffins...:)


	128. Here's Some Bella FanMail

**Dear Bella,**

You are a homewrecking slut (Well, Antonio was a slut during his prime, too, but still-). How I pity people like yourself who try to ruin a good relationship because you believe that you deserve anyone and anything good and go on into this state of illusion.

Antonio doesn't love you anymore; heck, he never did. What you guys had before (long, long ago) was mere infatuation, the little "love at first sight" reaction that can disappear as soon as the couple's true colors show. And you're probably wondering "Well, how come he can be in love with that Lovino bastard who does nothing but insult and abuse? And how can Lovino love a cheater? " Well, as stupid as Antonio is for sticking with a potential spouse beater and Lovino for being with the biggest womanizer since Francis, I can see a lifelong love blooming within those two. If those two were able to reunite time and time again after centuries of constant separation and hurt, and if those two are able to change each other for the better, then this marriage should commence without your interference. I usually don't believe in fate, but this is one proof that should prove both of us wrong.

Stay out of their relationship and try to make yourself better!

-IntraSule

Dear Bella,

I hope(not really) that Antonio's proposal has knocked some sense into you (and if it didn't then I'm pretty sure I can..). Also please understand that you were a mere fling(I can't believe you would cheat on him... shame on you...). Don't you even dare(I will hunt you down) try to break them apart. After separation after separation, they deserve to be happy. If you even try to ruin the wedding(I'm being entirely serious here) I swear that I will do everything in my power to take you down. Let them be happy( their happiness does not include you and it probably never will), and just deal with it. Stop whining about their relationship(really that's all you are doing), and get it through your head that you never were and never will be Antonio's true love(he never loved you...he just thought you were pretty(I disagree completely)).

A ...quirky spamano fan

Vanne-Nessa

Ps: good luck with your life(you'll need it).


	129. Romano Bitch

**Dear Hoerenjong,**

You, Romano, are underestimated. I didn't think you could sink so low, but you have!

Switching around all of my conference papers with 'FanMail' from some schijtlul I don't even know! What the hell do you think you're up against? You've got NO IDEA, you Italian sukkel! If you think you've got me tied for a MINUTE, then you're underestimating me, too.

So Antonio proposed to you, what an accomplishment. But how long will that last, I wonder, after he's found another who you can't possibly match up to? What will happen when he meets someone better, say, me? What will you do if he ever adds the 'Touch' part back to his lable? You won't have to deal with any of that doubt if you hand him over to ME.

Romano, do you really think it's a good idea to marry a womanizer? Once Touch, always Touch. Are you sure you can trust him? He's cheated on you several times before, hasn't he? And don't you know he's helpless to my charm? Antonio's gonna be mine, one way or another! You know it!

Tell Antonio I said 'hello.'

Belgium

PS: I'm soooo not jealous! I'm just severly pissed off!


	130. Belgium, Stupid

**Belgium, You Stupid Bastard,**

What the hell makes you think I was the one who switched your damn papers? What the hell kind of proof do you have, huh? It wasn't fucking me, anyway, you damned idiot. So many people think you're cracked, I don't fucking NEED to send you damn letters.

If it's fucking letters you got, it's fucking Twinkies who's your damn culprit. That's so fucking obvious, I can't believe you didn't fucking see that coming. Sounds like something she'd do, that dumb bastard…

See how fucking calm I'm being? It's because I don't have to waste my damn time babysitting Antonio to make sure homewrecking bastards like you don't grab his short attention span. I'm not even CLOSE to fucking intimidated by you. Try again fucking later, bastard.

You're fucking disillusioned,

Romano/South Italy

PS: Have you seen that bastard Twinkies anywhere? I haven't been able to find her since the conference! She won't even come back to the damn neighborhood! She fucking knows me well…Damn.


	131. Dear America and Hong Kong

**Dear America and Hong Kong,**

I finally got China to agree to give me some of his special fireworks, you know, the one that make shapes and letters in the sky when their ignited? I have the ones that make hearts and stars in the most beautiful romantic colors! We're still gonna set some sparks on the special wedding night, right? Hit me up!

-IntraSule

P.S. If you guys are still going through with this, don't tell Canada, Italy or Japan. I love them all, but they suck at keeping secret plans secret, especially Japan since he'll worry that it'll piss someone off, i.e. Lovino.


	132. Dear IntraSule

**Dear IntraSule,**

Whoa, dude! I LOVE fireworks! Dude, we've definitely gotta use those, man! How did you persuade China to let you have em?! He's such a grump! Last time I asked him, he nagged me out of his house! Well maybe it was because he doesn't like me all that much, but still! Hey, wait, what if I blew him up with his own fireworks? Yeah…

Oh, yeah! Dude, there's a party tonight! It's the one at MY PLACE, fo shizzle! And Hong Kong is totally in da house, yo! I like Feliciano and all, but dude, his parties suck. All you do is sit around and talk about ponies and tomatoes because the guy's afraid of everything. But the Internet says all Italians are afraid of, like, everything, so I guess it's what's expected. Once, I brought up sponges, and he started crying because he slipped on a sponge the night before. Then, I brought up peaches, and he started sobbing because the Internet told him peaches are actually alien pods in trees. What an idiot, right? I mean, who believes the Internet in the first place? That's just stupid!

And my sources tell me Twinkies and Gilbert and Francis are going to that party…Well, better that party than mine, but dude, Gilbert is so cool! He's, like, and inspiration to be awesome! He should come to MY party! At MY party, we can actually get drunk and fly fighter planes into Iraq's cows.

WAY more fun!

Anyway, dude, see you at the wedding thingy! We've gotta get coffee sometime this week and plan it out. This is gonna be AWESOME!

Alfred Jones, Bro!

PS: Italy or Japan, got it! Italy's pretty cool, but he really does suck at keeping his mouth shut. Once, I told him that France had one ball—Internet said it was true—and then told him that he couldn't tell ANYONE or Romano would be blown up. He started crying and freaking out and ran home. And guess what? HE TOLD LUDWIG ANYWAY. Then he started sobbing cause he thought Lovino was gonna die. It was pretty funny! And then Japan…He's awesome and all, but he is pretty…Yeah, he's kinda self-conscious and thinks everyone's gonna go all Super Saiyan on him if he doesn't stay honest with them.

PPS: Who's Canada…? Oh! Yeah, Mattie! Yeah, no, ditto, he's like Japan. He's been getting out a lot more recently…That's pretty cool!

PPPS: Hello, this is Hong Kong. If you happen to meet China again, please tell him I am appalled with the lack of true gourmet in his country. And the lack of decent alcohol.


	133. From, Rafael

**Dear Twinkies,**

You...are the most epic person I know, señorita, in all honesty! Not only for the tequila (which Big Brother promised South, Central and I to take us to a bar) but for sending the video of the proposal. The three of us didn't even expect HALF of what was going on there, I mean, Lovino and his yelling isn't exactly new, no? But Antonio actually telling him EVERYTHING (even though I told him not to get near Bella because something was bound to happen), I actually feel proud for España for FINALLY asking Lovino. Yes, you can tell Antonio that we feel proud of him for that.

I shall bring you churros when we come back...if we don't drink too much, but I shall bring them!

Gracias,

Rafael (North Mexico)

PS: How did you get our address to send us the video? I've been wondering that...


	134. An Important Message :)

**Dear Rafael,**

Ha! I'm epic! That's so awesome—thanks!

And the video…Hehe, yeah, it was pretty unexpected. I was worried during the first bit; does anyone really know how Lovino will react to certain things? He has strange mood swings, dude. Sometimes he's pissed, then he's suddenly shy or freaking out. But I do know one thing: It's freaking hilarious when you get a rise out of him! It's like insulting Roderich, but much more rewarding because Lovino doesn't actually monologue for hours. How do I know? Well, I'm his neighbor!

Anyway, I'm hiding at Feliciano's! We're gonna lure Lovino in (Antonio already knows) and throw another party tonight! Bring all the tequila you can find—and maybe a girl or two, wink—and come on over!

Oh, by the way, KEEP LOVINO AWAY FROM ALCHY. Last night I decided to apologize, but when I walked into his house, I found him chugging a wine bottle and throwing darts at a mug shot of Bella in his kitchen. He looked…so drunk. You think Arthur gets drunk? You should watch Lovino! Damn! I don't think he even remembers his own name!

Thanks again, guys!

Twinkies

PS: Ah, your address…Got one word for ya: Toby.

PPS: Dudes, holy shit! We've reached 600 reviews! Wow! Do you guys know how proud and excited I am?! I am very grateful to you guys! VERY! Sometimes when I read comments, I find myself blushing. It seems this story had become much more than it was originally. Honestly, I have you guys to thank for that. If it weren't for you meddling kids, I would have never worked any harder than I was before. I would have settled for it being simply a rage comic (which it typically is :D). This story is so much more than I planned for it to be. Thanks a TON guys! If I could, I would bake you all biscotti. It would be my pleasure!

Oh, yes: I have decided to include more interacted situations, sort of like I did with the Bella 'FanMail' that ended up in front of her at the conference. However, I'm not too sure what else I could add. If anyone has any ideas for interactive situations in which you guys can basically control a situation or influence a character's emotions (like with Bella), then go ahead and throw them at me! I'm really excited about this, guys!

Oh, and by the way, I have a Halloween special out. It's like a mystery! I love Halloween—favorite time of year—so I decided to make it. It's a simple five day special, nothing too extravagant. But I think I'm going to start adding in Holiday parodies for Hetalia. Sort of like the Dear Bastard stories, but not letters. Perhaps something like a three day special that I add to every holiday. For now, I can to Halloween and start tomorrow or something. Sort of like the movie, the Holiday Inn. Dunno, what do you all think, my lovely audience?


	135. Dear IntraSule, Kiku

**Dear IntraSule-san,**

I found this letter left open on America-san's dining table when I went over to his house to test out my new video games.

I didn't mean to read it, but when I found my name, I got concerned. I hope America-san won't be too upset...

Well, the reason I am sending you is letter is because I was slightly offended. I can keep a secret as good as anyone. You might think that I can't keep a secret since I do not favor doing things behind people's backs and possibly angering them, but however, breaking a promise to keep a secret will anger the person more. And this isn't a 'bad' secret. This is a 'nice' secret that will probably make Romano-kun pleasantly surprised.

I will keep your secret and I wish you good luck.

Sincerely,

Japan aka Honda Kiku

P.S. I apologize for my rudeness, and I also hope you will not feel offence from my words.


	136. Dear Mr Romano

**Dear Mr. Romano,**

Hello, Mr. Romano. It's Lili. Lichenstein.

I just wanted to wish you luck with your wedding! I really think you and Antonio will be happiest together. My bruder also believes you two will be happy, but he's too shy to share his regards. I promise, he really thinks you two are insperational. Though he still thinks that you cuss a little too much are are a little too mean, he still believes you've got a good heart.

My brother is really good at heart. He truly believes that anyone can be a good person, but he prefers to keep this part about himself hidden because he doesn't want anyone to think he's gone soft. He's really proud of Antonio for finally settling—with someone he really, truly loves. It's very insperational, he thinks, because Antonio has fought with nearly every country, yet they always seem to like him in the end.

It's the same for you, Lovino. You fight with everyone, but no one actually hates you. Trust me, they don't. the wish you would be a little more sympathetic and selfless, but they really believe you're going to be great one day. You have someone to stand beside you now. There's no way you can fail when you have such a loving supporter.

You two are insperations to my bruder. He desperately wants to reunite with Mr. Austria. I think he really missed him. I'm still not clear about what really happened, but I hope he'll work it out. Miss Twinkies has been trying to trick them into seeing each other for years, but they never seem to stick. I had lunch with him a little while back. Bruder and I ate at a really fancy resturant with Mr. Austria. It was a lot of fun! But it honestly was a little…awkward.

Mr. Romano, um, I know you don't really like helping people showing your sympathetic side, but…could you help me bring bruder and Mr. Austria back together again? I would be forever in your debt! Please, consider helping, please!

Thank you!  
Lili Zwingli/Lichenstein

PS: Tell Mr. Italy I said hello! And Mr. Germany and Miss Twinkies!


	137. Dear Lili

**Dear Lili,**

You, uh…You really like me, huh? Da—I mean, well…Grazi, I guess…Yeah.

So you've said no one really hates me, huh? I think you're trying to flatter me or some shi—I mean, it seems you really pity me, or whatever. I can't see how the other countries couldn't hate me. I've been a bast—I've been a jerk, you know. I've just…God, I've been through hell, all right? It's been hell in Italy, especially since everybody sees ITALY, not Romano. I…uh…I honestly love my fratello, but sometimes I wish I could hate him.

It's like, hello? I'm right here, duches! I mean, bastards—you know what, I'm going to hell for cussing in a letter to a little girl. Fuck.

And now we get to THAT part…you want me to help your brother reunite with that damned (not technically a cuss word) Austria? Are you kidding me? We're talking about the idiot who lost half his country to Prussia at one point because he thought he could save himself with a damned piano. He played it on the damned field, too! I'm pretty fu—sure you've seen the way he sits at a table as if there's a stick up his back, or the way he drinks severely watered down wine and then claim he's drunk after two glasses. He's an idiot.

Switzerland…Well, he can be an idiot at times. I mean, hell, does anyone really care if France is molesting England? I don't care. I don't care at all. Maybe England secretly likes it, I don't fu—I don't know. And 'Fancy Dancy Song…' What the hell.

Fine! I'll help you…Ahhhh, I can't believe this…Yep, yeah, I'll help you. We'll meet for dinner to discuss battle plans.

Sincerely,

Lovino Vargas/Romano

PS: Is it really PPS and not PSS? Fuck.


	138. Apology to Kiku

**Dear Kiku-san,**

Aw, dude, I'm sorry for hurting your feelings! I just thought that maybe you wouldn't like the idea of us doing a surprise because it might anger Lovino (and have him coming after us in a fit of bloodthirsty rage, something no one would want to see you a target of). Anyways, I'm glad you decided to keep our secret a secret; hey, maybe you can join us? :)

-IntraSule

P.S. Don't worry, I'm not offended; heck, I kinda felt embarrassed to see that I've offended you!


	139. Hey, Twinkies

**Dear Twinkies:**

Greetings from Asia! I recently heard from Mr. China that Antonio has proposed to Lovino. How awesome! I would have replied sooner if only I hadn't accidentally dropped the internet modem into the fishbowl...(I'm actually hacking into the internet of the hotel next door ssshh...) Anyway, pass on my congratulations to them! I have also heard that Bella hasn't been taking the marriage very well. Don't worry, I'm have a method with dealing with pussies like these. It involves hot oil and woks. Anyway, can I come to the wedding? I can help you guys with anything...cooking, decorating, keeping Bella out, getting Lovi in the dress... Pleaaasee? *cute puppy face*

I have to go now, I need to go get a new modem...

With love,

Tianjin (Grace Li)

P.S: It's Lovi's who's gonna be in the dress right?


	140. To Grace Lee

**Dear Grace Lee Dude,**

Greetings from America, man! Thanks for your letter! I don't get many letters from countries, you know. I get a few every now and then, but I've had more Country Mail (that's what I call it) in the last few months than I've ever had in my LIFE! Usually, there's one from Kiku, Vash, and maybe a few from Alfred (he likes talking via phone better—usually he just sends me lame postcards from places out of the country because he thinks they're cool; he sent me one from a coral reef off the coast of Florida…which is in the freaking states) or Gupta, but that's only once in a while. Maybe two from Gupta or Alfred every two months. Lately, it's like Country Mail overload! Usually, a country calls me—beside the…poorer countries, who write most the notes—if they need a favor…or money. I'm a charitable person, you see, so most countries think I'm gonna take pity on them or whatever. I usually donate, but some of these smaller countries are slightly…overbearing. Like Belarus. She's a badass and all, but I'm terrified of not donating to her country…she'll probably attempt to assassinate me.

But anyway, I'm sorry about your modem, dude! That really sucks! But how did it get into the fishbowl?

Anyway, yeah! I'll definitely pass on the congrats! I'll pass on your love! (Wink.) And no, Bella isn't taking it too well. See, I'm sort of supposing here, but from what I understand Antonio seems to be sort of like her 'first love.' Awkward, right? But, as Roderich usually says: "She's too perfect!" Yeah, Bella is beautiful and she seems so kind and compassionate, but she's a little dark. Hopefully not as dark as Natalia (Belarus), but I'm not sure how warped Bella is compared to her. Then again, I don't know her that well. Spain and the Netherlands—they'd know her best. Anyway, I can kind of sympathize with her. I mean, Antonio WAS her first love, and she probably still loves him. That would tear me up, too.

But I wouldn't pull a Benedict Arnold on everyone else—she's gone full retard, totally bitchy, crazy, BARREL, arrow in the knee, whatever you wanna call it.

All right, so you're sayin' you have a method? Like, to deal with crazy ass bitches (Rush Hour!) like this? Sounds promising! Hot oil and works, eh? I really wanna see how this turns out! I was thinking more like trains and javelins, but your idea could work!

And yep, you can come to the wedding! Villages, Towns, Cities, States, Provinces, Countries, and Continents are all invited! Definitely! Bring some alcohol (secretly), a video camera or two (Lovino may deck someone—Youtube worthy!), and maybe some party favors! And, if you want, you can play security guard with some of the other tough countries to watch Bella and Lovino, in case he runs. He probably won't—he's much more mature than that…I think. And if you wanna decorate, go right ahead! Kiku and Elizabeta will be supervising all of that.

And I don't have Lovino's wedding party yet (he won't pick anyone, so Lili and I are gonna do it for him), so I'll slip you in if that's what you want.

Yes, Lovino will definitely be wearing a dress. I'll force him to if he won't.

High-Five!

Twinkies

PS: I personally think Antonio should wear the dress. I mean, who the hell's gonna be expecting THAT? Youtube worthy!

PSS: This bastard is a bastard. Don't fucking write her letters, she doesn't deserve the damn things.


	141. Daniel Craig Bastard

**Dear Daniel Craig Bastard,**

Who the hell do you think you are, bastard, glorifying yourself in another damned James Bond movie? That's so fucking stupid! Who wants to watch some stupid British bastard unrealistically jump into the back of a train? That's not even fucking POSSIBLE! That's so STUPID! James Bond movies SUCK!

I know what the hell you should do: Go play in some OTHER movie, like fucking Barbie or Tinker fucking Bell, you bastard! James Bond is stupid! British bastards are STUPID! Get a new fucking job, moron! And don't grow a mustache!

You SUCK!

Lovino Vargas

PS: You're a sucky actor, too, you bastard!


	142. Dear Mr Vargas

**Dear Mr. Vargas,**

You letter was unbenificial and lame itself. I suppose that directly reflects your personallity, you moron. You haven't thought this argument out very well, have you?

I'm an actor who is paid a large sum of money to act in four star films. You're just an idiot who is either very jealous or you simply like to insult people because you think you have the right. Or maybe you're bloody mental, I don't know. You are an idiot, sir, and I don't bloody give a damn if you like me or not.

You've got nothing on my swag. I'm bloody British. I can kick your ass any day of the week.

Bloody Italian,

Daniel Craig

PS: Barbie is for little girls like you.


	143. Flower Arranger Bastard

**Dear Flower Arranger Bastard,**

Who the FUCK do you think you are sending me these stupid pink roses? PINK? THE FUCK! Is this a damn gimmick? What, do you think I'm one of those damned desperate people desperately waiting to get married—I don't want your damn pink flowers! I'm not getting married for another couple weeks, dammit! I don't need your damn PINK FLOWERS!

I don't even WANT flowers! This is CRAP! I'm NOT using PINK FLOWERS! I don't even want a fucking bouquet! And the damn wedding-goers want me to wear a dress. A DRESS! The hell is this?! I'm NOT wearing a dress and I'm NOT using PINK FLOWERS! This is RIDICULOUS! Screw his wedding shit! I think we should get married in Vegas, dammit…And they're inviting that damn potato bastard! They're inviting that damn bastard and all the other lame countries! And my stupid neighbor wants to appoint the stupid members of my wedding party! I don't get a damn say in ANYTHING!

You're not helping!

Lovino Vargas/Romano

PS: Don't be a damn fangirl—I saw the note with the heart in the damn basket.

PSS: Screw these PPS things! This is MY country! No one ever said it was illegal!


	144. Dear Mr Vargas Romano

**Dear Mr. Romano/Vargas,**

I—I'm not sure…Urm, your fiancee was the one who asked for the flowers, Mr. Vargas. A Miss Twinkies? She asked exclusively for pink roses, sir.

And it's not very traditional for the groom to use the bouquet…that's sort of the bride's thing. I'm not sure if you've ever…been to a wedding? Maybe seen one on TV? But, er, it's also traditional for the bride to be the one wearing the dress. The groom equips a tux, and that's about it for attire. The bride is the one with the bouquet and wedding dress. I'm not sure if you know that or not, but, uh…now you do.

If you do not like the pink roses, however, and are willing to upset your bride, then I'll be glad to refund your order and send some maybe multicolored roses instead. Unless you'd prefer no roses…but it is a tradition for the bride to equip a bouquet, sir…just want to emphasis on tradition.

At your service,

Orihime Inoue

PS: Um, if you do end up changing the arrangement, then maybe you shouldn't marry your fiancee…she'll be very, very disappointed.

PPS: Um, no it's not illegal to use PSS…if you want to do that.


	145. Dumbass Flower Arranger Bastard

**Dear Dumbass Flower Arranger Bastard,**

Are you fucking KIDDING me? You—I'M NOT MARRYING THAT BASTARD! That idiot is NOT MY FIANCEE! She's my lame-ass NEIGHBOR! But now I know who ordered these damn roses…that bastard…

I'm marrying Antonio Carriedo, you damn bastard! How the hell could you get that confused?! First that stupid vender with the lame green and white hat tried to sell me a damn HEADBAND for my damned neighbor, then some lame brunette girl sent me weird-ass concepts for a wedding cake—BARBIE? I mean, what the fuck! It didn't click until now that that damn Twinkies has been screwing with my wedding arrangements. To think I fucking mustered up all of my 'compassion' and forgave that bastard for videotaping my proposal! I'll kick her ASS the next time I see her!

Screw the pink roses! Get me callow lilies—for her funeral!

Romano

PS: Good idea, bastard—I'm NOT going to marry that damn Twinkies! AND I'M NOT WEARING A FUCKING DRESS!

PSS: YES, I've been to a damned wedding before! Do you know how long I've been around?!


	146. Cake Concept Bastard

**Dear Cake Concept Bastard,**

What the FUCK is with all these damn stupid concepts, bastard? Pink hearts, stupid fluffy pink Kuribohs, a smiley face as the draperies, Barbie—what the hell IS this?! This isn't some 13-year-old girl's birthday party, bastard! This is a WEDDING! What the HELL is your PROBLEM?!

All I want is some damn SIMPLE WHITE CAKE. You know, something you'd EXPECT to see at a WEDDING! I do not want BARBIE staring at me from across the stupid reception room! And who the hell do you think I am—a fucking GIRL? Well, I'm NOT, bastard! I DO NOT LIKE PINK! I want a WEDDING CAKE, dammit! And why the hell do I want stupid Kuribohs floating all around my WEDDING CAKE for?! Those things are lame! This isn't a freaking duel arena—this is my WEDDING! GET IT RIGHT, DAMMIT!

Absolutely NO PINK,

Romano/Lovino Vargas

PS: If you got cake orders from a Mr. Twinkies, do NOT place the order!

PSS: That idiot is NOT my fiancee!

PSSS: And no, I don't want any of your crappy strawberry cake! Put on a side order: Red velvet with skulls. For my neighbor's funeral.


	147. From the Cake Arranger

**Dear Mr. Vargas,**

I understand you don't want pink in your order, did you have to repeat it over and over? And no, I didn't get the order from a Mr. Twinkies, but I got one from a MISS Twinkies. If Mr. Twinkies is kin to her, he's going to be very upset with you!

You shouldn't go around cussing at people, either! It's very rude and selfish to hurt people's feelings just because you're having wedding shudders! You didn't think I'd know that? Well, every groom had last minute jitters. All they need is a good push and they're back on their feet! I'm sure you're just a little freaked out about your upcoming wedding, sir, but you shouldn't let yourself be trampled by your nerves! If you really love Miss Twinkies, you can pull through—I KNOW you can!

I believe in you, sir! Your wedding will be beautiful! If you don't like pink, I'll discuss it with your bride, sir. I'm sure we can work something out!

Good luck!

Téa Gardener

PS: It's not PSS, sir. It's PPS.


	148. Dammit, Cake Decorator Bastard!

**Dammit, Cake Concept Bastard!**

Fu—I'M NOT MARRYING ANYONE NAMED TWINKIES, DAMMIT! I meant Mr. as a fucking INSULT, damn you! Why the hell would I marry some idiot whose name is TWINKIES? Do you bastards ever fucking THINK?! She's NOT my fiancee! Antonio Carriedo is! What the hell is WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? YOU'RE SO DAMN STUPID!

Why the hell—it's not—I'm not marrying MISS Twinkies! I'm not marrying ANY Twinkies! I even hate the food! I'm grateful those stupid American bastards cut that industry down! Twinkies are SHIT! First it was the damn flower arranger, now it's you! Who next, the caterer? Everybody wants to fuck my wedding up! Well, you know what? If one more person screws with me one more time, I'm gonna fucking kick some asses!

Talk to ME, not my damn neighbor—MISS Twinkies!

Romano/Lovino Vargas

PS: Thanks for, uh…the advice, by the way. Maybe I am kinda…ugh…


	149. Yoo Hoo, Lovino!

**Dear Lovino**

I just wanted to congratulate on your engagement to Antonio! I'm soo happy for you, becasue you deserve to be happy! I know that preparing for a wedding can be stressful, so if you need any more help just ask( I would be happy to help). I'm also glad that you forgave Twinkies.

A quirky Spamano Fan

Vanne-Nessa

PS: Who exactly is invited to the wedding?


	150. Bridal Gown Bastard

**Dear Bridal Gown Bastard,**

I woke up this morning and checked my PO box. The first thing I thought was, Why the HELL did you mail me a fucking WEDDING DRESS?!

It's big and fluffy and…PINK! The HELL is wrong with you?! First it's flowers, then it's the cake, and now…I think you bastards are screwing with me on purpose, damn you all! Next it's gonna be the damn makeup bastard! Hell—I am NOT wearing makeup to my wedding!

My wedding is in two weeks! If I don't have a tux in my PO box in one week, I'm gonna kick your ASSES!

Get it here—pronto!

Romano/Lovino Vargas

PS: Why pink?


	151. Dear Amurica and Hong Kong

Dear America and Hong Kong,

According to my connections, Lovi and Tony's wedding is quickly approaching (then again, it might not be; one really shouldn't trust the word of a Frenchman who's hopped-up on wine and romance) so that means we hafta prepare PRONTO!

First, we're going to have to place the firework launchers at the wedding chapel in inconspicuous areas where the blushing bride won't be able to see them (pffft, Lovino blushing, now THAT is a sight) and then there's the launchers to place at their honeymoon site. After that, there's running like hell so Lovino won't try to kill us, so do a lot of leg training for the possibility of sprinting for your lives.

Here's a map with x's marking where we'll set up the hidden launchers. Counting on you guys!

-IntraSule

P.S. Please, America, PLEASE don't set them off until the wedding.


	152. Dear Punk

**Dear Romano,**

I'm a dress maker, not your royal servant, punk. And don't diss pink—it's a gorgeous color that is obviously too good for you. I can understand if you like blue or whatever color, but pink is just an amazing color! You need to think about what you are doing with your life!

Now, uh, I understand that you're marrying a Miss Twinkies. I, I, uh, don't know what kinda name that is, but, uh, if she's hot, then I understand. Completely. She must be, like, a cougar or something. But yeah, anyway, I hope you have a decent wedding, buddy. That would be pretty cool. Yeah.

Yup.

And, uh, if you have any beer left over, then maybe you should give it to someone who needs it. Someone you know. Well, maybe not too well, but someone who's, uh, maybe written a letter to you or something. You know?

I'll send you the tux. You'll get it in the mail by Tuesday or so. And, uh, now, I don't mean to intrude, but if your bride is willing to wear a tux, then she must be pretty hot.

Sincerely,

Peter Griffin

PS: By the way, what did you think about the brown stripe on the corset? It wasn't dirty or nothing…I just thought it would look nice. You know—something unique for a unique wedding. Bang your girl for me, buddy.


	153. You IDIOT

G—Dammit, you fucking moron! I'M NOT MARRYING ANYONE, AND I MEAN ANYONE, ANYONE, FUCKING ANYONE, NAMED TWINKIES! DAMMIT! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?! ARE YOU HIGH?! ARE YOU STUPID?!

I just don't get it! You people are so fucking STUPID I don't even know what to DO WITH MYSELF! I'm so PISSED!

And bang her?! What the hell do you mean by THAT?! Are you a creep or something? Are you after me next? I don't know what to do anymore! It's not just you—it's every other freak out there! For the last fucking time—I'm marrying ANTONIO CARRIEDO! NOT anybody named Twinkies!

Screw you, screw your dress, and screw yourself!  
Fucking Romano

PS: Argh, I'm so pissed I forgot to add a damn opener! But you don't deserve it anyway, damn you!


	154. A Sticky Note from Romano

Twinkies, I'd like you to meet me later tonight at my house. Whenever you get off of work, you come STRAIGHT to my house. I have something to discuss with you. Don't worry, it's not bad. It's just…a question for dinner.

Your Neighbor,

Lovino Vargas

PS: DO NOT touch my beer…I've got to hide it somewhere…


	155. Dear Gupta

**Dear Gupta, **

I'm freaking out, man. I'm freaking OUT!

So I come home from work last night, right? I'm all tired and I want a shower, but my stomach's growling. So I walk into my kitchen, right? And guess what I find?

A sticky note. From Lovino. Saying he wants to talk to me. Whenever I can get over there. At his house. Where there's no one for a couple miles. And there are cleavers and rat poison.

He was totally…serene…and calm…and not at all furious like he usually is.

Holy shit, holy shit, what do I do? What do I do, Gupta? You know him better than I do! You've been around for a billion years and he lives right across the sea from you. You've gotta help me, bro! I don't know why he's so…tranquil…

I'm freaking myself out now—wait! What if he figured out who's been…altering his wedding plans for something, uh…better? I mean, I wouldn't do anything that COULDN'T HELP him! Nah, totally legit, man. I wouldn't be THAT much of a jerk. I mean, it's his wedding after all, so…Yeah, no, I didn't actually SCREW with his arrangements. So not me, bro.

But just in case…would you accompany me to grandmother's house—I mean, Lovino's house? It's over a river and through some woods, so…

Merry Early Christmas!

Twinkies

PS: He also told me not to take his beer…I don't even drink beer. I'm so confused…


	156. Dear Friend

**Dear Friend,**

I will gladly assist. I have not forgotten your service to the GIS here in the Hadaeq Al Qubbah or your hard work and devotion when you helped me defeat the aliens who wanted to destroy the Great Pyramids.

You are in Rome right now, yes? Then I shall arrive this evening, approximately six hours from now—on one condition. Turkey bought me a cell phone (the word feels so taboo) for Christmas…I do not know how it is supposed to work. I am not even sure it has a calender—Sadiq says every phone has one. And what is Farmville? I am afraid to touch its icon…there is a strange looking man on it.

Until we meet,

Egypt/Gupta Hassan

PS: I did not know Lovino drinks beer. Then again, I do not know him as well as you think. Forgive me, but we have grown up on opposite sides of the sea…I hate Romans…

PPS: Do they allow dogs to travel by ship? Surely they do, yes?


	157. My Dear Friend Gupta

**My Dear Friend Gupta,**

I thought you were kidding before, but you really are clueless with cell phones, so I decided to write you this manual/letter:

Calenders can be found in the Menu under Tools.

There are no Solar Panels on the back, Sadiq was screwing with you.

The Internet on your Browser cannot produce scorpions, spiders, or camels. Again, Sadiq is screwing with you.

Farmville is an app, which means it is a playable game you can buy for your cell phone. You basically own a farm, plant seeds, and harvest digital crops. The guy does not have schizophrenia—Sadiq is screwing with you.

When hanging up from a call, trying to get out of something, or turning off your phone, pressing the End Button will NOT destroy the world. Sadiq is screwing with you.

And I think that about sums up all your questions. Keep this in your pocket or somewhere so that you won't forget. And your dog is freaking adorable.

Thanks, Bro! To Lovino's!

Twinkies

PS: Let's hang out for Christmas—I get lonely and you and Kiku are my best buddies. The other countries and I get along all right, but you guys are flat out the best. Besides, I've gotta have SOMEONE to party with!

PPS: Honestly, Lovino tried to bomb my house last year, so I'm a little paranoid.


	158. Dear Vanne Lady

**Dear Vanne-Nessa Lady Bastard,**

You wanna know who's invited to my wedding, do you? Well definitely not that bastard Twinkies! She's coming over later tonight…heheheh…she won't be leaving anytime soon…

Yeah, I forgave her…but I'm gonna kick her ass…She's gonna regret screwing with my plans…heheheh…

Sure, come to the wedding. I don't care. You thought I cared? I don't care. Just know that I'm predicting a shit storm…directed straight at that damn Twinkies…heh…I'm gonna kick her ass…

Vargas


	159. Um, Yeah

**Dear Spain,**

I am afraid I have a favor to ask of you, my friend. I am in the basement of your fiancee's house. Do you think you could unlock the door?


	160. Antonio, I'll Kill You

**Dear Antonio, You Bastard,**

So, I come home after a long and exhausting day of work at the damn conference center at the Vatican, yeah? And I go to check on my prisoners, right? And they're gone. Gee, I wonder where the fuck they went.

Don't play stupid, bastard! I know it was you who unlocked the damn basement door! I'm not an idiot! Now—because of YOU—that damn Twinkies is running around Rome UNLEASHED! My country is DOOMED!

No, it's not. It's not doomed! I know what I'm going to do. I'm gonna tranquilize that bastard and ship her off to England. Those bastards can't cook over there, their cars suck, and they can't do much besides make stupid Bond movies and complain. Target practice is ALL those idiots are good for! I'll send a news reporter to record the damage and watch it for my personal entertainment on the News at Five! Ha! It's perfect!

I'm predicting a shit storm, Antonio. A hurricane of shit—directed right at England.

Here's my revenge from last Christmas, you English bastard!

Cheers!

Lovino Vargas

PS: I still want the honeymoon in Antarctica…that bastard Twinkies could never find me there…heheheh…

PSS: There's something really strange going on between my neighbor and that bastard Egypt…I'm not sure what exactly is going on, but they came together. And they obviously left together. Hell, they're ALWAYS together!


	161. Lovino Rants to England

**Dear Stupid English Bastard,**

My wedding is a few days away, and I had to cuss the fuck out of somebody, so here's my monthly venting letter, you stupid English bastard!

You look like a bastard, you need to wax your eyebrows, your system of government is a bitch to work in, you suck at soccer, you suck at football, you suck at sports in general, your accent sounds like shit, your food tastes like balls, your tea is crappy, your face looks like someone smashed it in, and your Guinna pig is twice as smart as you are! Your brother is a dumbass, your little brother is an annoying brat and a wannabe, your mother was a hamster, and your father smelled of elderberries. You've got one ball because the missing one fell off after that Prussian bastard kicked you in the balls during one of your pointless wars (you always lose something) and the other one is an abnormal size. Mentally, you're a fucking weirdo who talks to sex addicted fairies, pirates with birds living in their beards, My Little Ponies, and I don't WANT to know what you were talking to during the party the other month! But you got drunk then—like you ALWAYS fucking do—and cussed out that stupid, arrogant American idiot bastard about knowing 'the king,' so I guess I can't fucking blame you—but come the fuck ON! Get a move on with your life! All you do is sit around all day, sulking and crying because you're a pathetic excuse for a boyfriend. I mean, look at that stupid American idiot bastard—he left you before, so he's gonna leave your ass behind again if you keep complaining. No one likes a pessimist, bastard!

I feel like a million fucking bucks now!

Romano

PS: WAX THOSE DAMN TREES OFF YOUR FOREHEAD!


	162. Bloody Romano!

**Dear Romano,**

Why must you always take your anger out on me? I was having a nice, relaxing Christmas break, and you're ruining it with your stupid hate mail. Like I really have any more room in my mailbox…

Oh, to hell with it! I think you're the most infuriating, prudish, churlish, aggravating, annoying, stupidest, one-sided, fatty fanny on the face of the Earth! And you've got no imagination or a car because Germany doesn't like you and he blows it up every year. A couple decades of you hating on him has allowed him to wake up and hate on YOU! And guess what? You deserve it, you bloody arse! You don't even have any bloody MANNERS! Do you know what those are? They're the actions that save you from getting a gun blown up your bloody ass, you selfish git! I can't even believe Antoino is marrying such an unworthy brat like yourself!

And it's not MY bloody fault my brother is a stupid, shallow git! And, I'll have you know, my mother and father loved me VERY MUCH. Sealand is just a child and I don't have a Guinnea pig! My eyebrows are very sexy, my government is one of the most efficient, sports are for ungraceful gits like yourself, my tea is the BEST (it was MY IDEA!) , I have TWO BALLS, thank you very much, and my friends are not of your concern! And I'll have you know that many people would want to date me! I'm sexier than your stupid tomatoes—I could out-walk them on the catwalk any day of the week!

And I don't always lose! I'm bloody BRITAIN, I don't lose THAT easily. I mean, how else could I have managed for all these centuries? Maybe you should be taking notes from me, you bloody Italian!

Cease your cursing, halfwit—it's annoying!  
Bloody England!

PS: I'm not friends with a My Little Pony, you stupid git—I haven't watched that show in WEEKS!

PPS: Trees? Is that the best you can do?

PPPS: STOP QUOTING MONTY PYTHON—AGAIN, THAT WAS MY IDEA!


	163. Your Friend, Germany

**Dear Romano,**

Uh…Hello. I've been meaning to write you a letter for a long time. I just never got…around…to it…

Well, anyway, I just wanted you to know that…there's going to be another Dear Bastard series. Well, not Dear Bastard—it's Dear Blank, actually, but ja, one of the other countries is going to have a series like yours. Now, I don't think you're going to be replaced, but if that does happen, then farewell, my friend.

Sincerely,

Germany

PS: It's between England and Prussia, so you'll most likely be replaced by one of them.

PPS: Feliciano says 'ciao.'

PPPS: Feliciano also says 'Make me pasta!'

PPPPS: He also says 'I love you.'

PPPPPS: This is getting really awkward.

PPPPPPS: Oh, I doubt you'll read this, but I was joking about you being replaced.


	164. IM BEING WHAT

I'M BEING WHAT!

BEING REPLACED? NO! I'M FUCKING ROMANO, PEOPLE WORSHIP ME! I CAN'T BE REPLACED—THAT'S FUCKING RIDICULOUS! THE FUCK!

I'd normally say you're a fucking LIER but you're fucking GERMANY and you CAN'T TAKE A JOKE! What—did that English bastard finally learn how to cook? Is that why I'm gonna be replaced by that damn—that damn—that BASTARD?! No, no, he can't cook, that's impossible, that's never going to happen. Then what—did he shave his eyebrows? Did that letter actually WORK? That bastard cussed me out, you know!

AND WHAT THE HELL IS THIS ABOUT THAT PRUSSIAN BASTARD?! He's a fucking IDIOT, he can't even keep his own country out of the gutter! Oh wait—HE DOESN'T HAVE A COUNTRY ANYMORE! That bastard's got NOTHING on me!

FUCK YOU!

Romano!

PS: I'm not making ANY pasta, bastard!


	165. Dear Bastardo

**Dear Twinkies Bastardo,**

I got a letter in the mail the other evening. From that potato bastard. Do you know what it said? Would you like to know?

It says I'M BEING REPLACED. WHAT. THE. HELL. DOES. THAT. MEAN. ARE. YOU. FUCKING. CRAZY.

Whoever the stupid country is, when I find them, I'M GOING TO KICK THEIR ASS. PRUSSIA AND ENGLAND ARE STUPID BASTARDS.

And you know what? When I find you, I will mustache you so bad you'll never see or talk again.

Romano

PS: I better not find my Bourbon missing again. I know it's you, you bastard.


	166. Lovino and English Bastard

**Dearest Lovino,**

So, yeah. You got that letter. Haha, that's…wonderful.

But, the thing is, you're not actually being replaced…you're not being replaced period. I just thought I'd 'share the wealth,' you know? And I mean, why not? And, by the way, you don't have to cuss out Prussia because…well…the, uh**, English 'bastard' won the Dear Blank poll**.

You may want to check Ludwig's letter, bro. I think he lied to—wait, hang on, since when do you care whether or not your letters are being removed?

Twinkies


	167. Dear Bastard, You Potato

**Dear Potato Bastard,**

You, sir, are a bastard. Actually I take that back—you're not a sir, you're a dumb bastard is what you are! You thought I wasn't going to see through your stupid plan to freak the hell out of me, isn't that right, you bastard? Well, I saw! I saw EVERYTHING, and I've got a question for you, you dick!

Since when do you 'joke?' Do you know what that is? That's when you tell a joke or whenever you're being sarcastic. Jeez, you freak, they said Germany was modernizing, but hell, I didn't ever think you were gonna get to the point where you could figure out how to JOKE. Who taught you that? It was Feliciano, wasn't it? Dammit, why the hell does he like you more than ME! I'm his fratello, that stupid two-faced bastard! The traitor!

By the way, I hate that English bastard. That's right, I hate him. He can't cook, he can't speak without insulting someone, he complains about every fucking thing that I DON'T care about, he's got extra terrestrial eyebrows, and I'm telling you—he doesn't shave, ever—and who the hell drinks tea ALL DAY? I don't know about the other bastards, but that is VERY SUSPICIOUS. And STILL people are voting for him to take my damn life, the traitors! What, am I not good enough?

I am Lovino Vargas, and I have NOT come this far in humiliation just to be fucked over!

Screw you, this is your fault!

Romano

PS: I'm not joking, you're a dick. And your jokes are horrible.


	168. Hey Bastards

**Hey Bastards,**

Well, hello there! How is life, dear bastards? Yeah, sounds interesting.

Anyway, this letter's a special one! Can you guess what time it is? Can't you? No? Jeez, you guys…

It's time for the second poll, morons! The winner of the new Dear Blank series—**England/Arthur Kirkland!**

And so begins Poll #2: _Naming the Dear Blank Series! _

So think of something and list it in the reviews section, and I'll have the new **results** posted by **next Wednesday**!

But, before you vote, let's take a moment to thank Prussia for his gallant behavior…I'm actually just hoping he's not pissed.

Thanks, dudes! Rock on!

Twinkies

PS: I have a suggestion. I was thinking about options the other day, and I came up with this:

**Dear Wanker **

Not saying it's gonna be the title, but it is a suggestion!


	169. My Precious Lovino

**My Precious Lovino,**

I am so excited, Lovino! We are to be married tomorrow! I cannot wait or express to you how happy I am! Remember when I first brought you into my home and you wouldn't do a thing I said but you ate all of my tomatoes? Well, I certainly do! And there was the time France tried to persuade you to move into his house, so you lit a firecracker and shoved it down his pants? I remember that, too!

And then there were the sea turtles. They were so cute! I even kept a few of them, but now they've reproduced and my basement is full of turtles and they've eaten all the fresh fruit and they crawl over everything, but that's all right, I don't mind because they're so CUTE!

Oh, and do you remember when you left for war? I was distraught, my love, and I thought you'd never come back! I wanted to go with you, but I didn't really want to join the war in the first place, but I got dragged into it anyway, and then I found you again! I still have the scar you gave me when you kicked me down the hill to this day!

Ah, my sweet tomato eater, I am so excited for our wedding day, you've got no idea! I wish I could express to you my love, somehow explain it, but it's indescribable. It's unprintable. You are what is most important to me, what I care for most. I can't imagine a life without you, and if I lost you again…I don't think I could recover. I will always be with you, Lovino. Even once the world has ended, we will face whatever's next together, I swear it.

Ti amo, mi amore!

Antonio Carriedo

PS: My Italian is improving, no? I didn't have to check Google Translate this time!


	170. Spanish Bastard

**Dear Spanish Bastard,**

What the hell kind of crap is this? It's all this…this…MUSHY stuff! Like I really want to read this the day before my wedding—come on, I'm not going to cry, there's no way.

If you want a damn answer…Fine, I remember everything. I even remember the time my ship blew up on the way back to Rome and you came out and sailed me all the way there. And then my damn neighbor made those obnoxious kissy noises, so I kicked her into the lake. Stupid bastard deserved it.

And, yeah, I remember the damn turtles. Those things were freaking WEIRD, they crawled ALL OVER ME, the bastards! It felt like they were going to crawl under my skin! I got rid of mine, I threw them all out into the ocean…all right, well, except for Lovino Jr., but he was the only one, and he is a pretty good pet, dammit.

I'm gonna regret saying this crap, but…thanks for the good times, Antonio. They were…good.

Fuck you,

Lovino Vargas

PS: Your Italian sucks.


	171. Dear Antonio, From Rafael

**Dear Antonio,**

I swear, I hope you don't forget to invite us to the wedding, you know how our sister reacted when we found out? She was freaking out and wouldn't shut up about it! I think I drank myself to sleep that day so I wouldn't have to answer which color went with which...I don't know. South was pretty happy about it, too and, damn it, you better not buy me about this but so was I. I was happy about your upcoming wedding, hermano.

Which reminds me, are those friends of yours planning a bachelor party? If they are, at least let me help, but God...keep the Prussian at a distance from me, okay? He keeps giving me weird looks! O.o I mean, I can handle Francis but Gilbert just creeps me out.

Celebrate your last night of freedom that you have, hermano, and make sure to count Manuel and I in, you know we can't miss it!

Your brother,

Rafael


	172. Dear Rafael

**Dear Rafael,**

Forget you? Never! You are family, I could never forget to invite you guys! Sorry about that, I guess I mailed the invitations a little late! They should be there today, though, but you actually have time. Someone ate all the catering food, the priest jammed his finger in a door and broke it, Lovino's wedding dress has a small rip, and our current venue at the _Castello Odeschalichi_ in Rome has lost one wall due to drunk driving, so the wedding will be taking place tomorrow evening at some other place instead!

And, oh! You are happy for me? Hermana is freaking out? And Manuel is excited for me? Really? Oh my God, I'm so happy! I'm so happy, hermano! I'm so happy! Here, I'm going to write a little smiley face to show you how happy I am!

:)

See? I'm that happy! Maybe I'll add more!

:) :) :) :)

I was a little frightened by your reactions—I know you aren't Lovino's biggest fan and all, but I'm happy you're supporting me!

:)

A bachelor party has already been arranged! Well, it was Prussia's idea, but I think it would be fun! We're all going planking with beer and wine at the mall! And don't worry about Prussia—when there's a party, he never stops drinking, and he will probably be drunk even before the party begins! And Francis is included to the wedding—reluctantly—but I'll have my eye on him. Lovino is going to go party with some of the others—I think Japan, Luxembourg, his brother, Egypt, Greece, Twinkies, Seychelles, Sicily, and Saudi Arabia (didn't even know he knew her). I only hope Bella doesn't mess anything up!

I will celebrate like a conquistador, Rafael! It is in a Spaniard's blood to party on. And so I shall, till the break of dawn. Remember that little old rhyme? Who was it who said that…you, I think? During one of the wars, I think, when no one wanted to fight anymore, so you told them to think of war as a party or something like that.

Which brings me to this…Rafael, would you be my best man? It would mean the world to me! Really! It would make me this happy: :)

See? That happy!

Your Hermano,

Antonio

PS: These smiley faces are fun! :) :) :)


	173. Wedding Planner Bastard

**Dear Wedding Planner,**

You SUCK! What the hell kinda wedding planner are YOU? The venue is destroyed and you want to have the wedding at Gater Land. I think NOT!

If the venue is destroyed, then I'm having this wedding at the Grand Hotel! You better have everything ready to go by this evening, you son-of-a-BASTARD!

I want a refund! And now I have to cuss out the caterer because something ate all his food. How the hell does that happen? That's STUPID. How does a caterer get all his food eaten? How does that happen!

This isn't the end yet!  
Romano

PS: Screw you!


	174. Dear Hermano Dos

**Dear Rafael,**

Of course she can join Twinkies! She's been hiding in her cellar all week to escape Lovino. He's really upset with her, you know? She's been messing with him lately, something she always does. I don't know what exactly she did this time, but I found her locked in his basement the other day with Egypt. Twinkies admitted she'd been messing with him, but I didn't ask questions because she had to go to the bathroom. Egypt waited for her and walked her home, but, man, was Lovino pissed off when he got home! He didn't really explain anything, either, so I don't really know what happened.

But yeah, hermana's welcome to it. Twinkies doesn't really care when people go to her house. I mean, that's what America does every time he comes by. He just shows up at her house sometimes, and she invites him in…well, no, he kind of invites himself in, but she doesn't mind. Feliciano always pops up at her house, too, and she lets him in, too. She's…whimsical, I guess you could say. If something happens, she doesn't really seem to mind.

Oh, Isabel has no qualms against Egypt, does she? He's been invited to the wedding (Lovino's not too happy, but I really like Gupta! He's mysterious and very respectful and flat out cool!), so he's been staying at Twinkies' for the last few weeks here. Last time I went to visit, he was guarding the cellar door for her. He was fiddling with some phone Turkey bought him for Christmas. Yeah, Christmas, right? Egypt says that he and Turkey decided to try out the holiday because Greece suggested it. Egypt also said that he suspects Turkey did it because Greece also talked about presents.

Luxembourg has been staying there, too. She's very nice also, but a little edgy. Lovino doesn't like her much, either, but I suspect that's because she likes to pick fights as much as he does. She's respectful of Twinkies, though. They battled each other a long time back during one of the wars. Henrita won, but Twinkies talked her out of killing her and they made a pact over chocolate. Since then, their friendship has grown.

Oh! I'm also very happy you've decided to be my best man! I'm so happy, hermano! I'm this happy: :) :) :) :) :D

I'm so elated, Rafael! Gracias! And thanks for kicking my ass when I won against Britain! I now know it was because you were frightened for my safely! Manuel told me so!

Ah, Alfred. I heard something about fireworks with Hong Kong and IntraSule. I'm a little worried about that, but it can't be too bad! Fireworks are fun! I hope they hijack China's—his are the biggest and most extravagant!

Have another smiley face: :)

Your Hermano,

Antonio

PS: Ooh, I love that movie! And I dunno about that—tequila is very good, no? I think I'm going to be drinking LOTS of that! And go ahead and blame Gilbert for it; he's the one bringing the alcohol!

:)


	175. Dear India, The Wedding

**Dear India,**

I am sorry you couldn't make it to the wedding, my friend. It was a sincere loss not to have you with us. A country wedding is not something that happens often, nor something that is easily executed, however, Spain and Romano really have done it well.

The wedding was stalled at first due to some inconveniences, but alas, it has been accomplished; the wedding planner, a tall Southern American man—said he was a mechanic and had seen some corpses—finally found a destination that both bride and groom could agree upon. With acute disdain, Romano had explained to me the predicament of Gater Land. Indeed, can you believe it? The wedding planner wanted to have the wedding at Gater Land.

I didn't believe him at first, either.

The wedding took place at the Grand Hotel downtown Rome, somewhere Romano had suggested (quite persistently, too). It was beautiful, though. Very wonderful:

Rafael was the best man, his sister Isabel the flower girl, the preacher had a stilt around his middle finger, the food was amazing, and Roderich conducted. The only strange thing was that Lovino's dress was ripped all the way down the back, several places around the skirt, and was sliced twice on the bust, so Henrita and Lili had to hurriedly fit him into a tux. It was untraditional, but what did it matter?

Grandpa Rome was elected to walk Lovino to the alter, but we had some complications—one that involved a bloody nose and a sprained pinky toe—so we exchanged him for Francis. Then things got a little out of hand—and I swear, it was not my fault. Antonio was walking past, ready to start the wedding, and noticed us. He rushed into the room and kicked Francis out the window and into the fountain.

I don't think I've ever seen Antonio act so recklessly—I don't think Lovino has, either.

Lovino sent him out of the room and locked the door. He was startled and he tripped over a coffee table and ripped his pants, so Lili had to sew him into them.

Twinkies came into the room through the door—she was estranged because the door was locked. She thought that something might be wrong and said she was searching for Lovino's turtle, Lovino Jr. Lovino whirled and a fire blazed in his hostile eyes as he stomped to Twinkies and literally threw her out the door. Egypt was outside; he began to thank Lovino for finding her, since he knew she could be troublesome, but Lovino slammed the door in his face and yelled, "Just get me into this damn tux, you bastards! And keep that ball sucker out, I don't want her in here."

So, we tailored his suit and sent him on his way. There weren't many…bridesmaids, but there were many groomsmen. The only bridesmaids I saw were Lili, Elizabeta, Henrita, and Seychelles. Well, I was shocked to see Lili walking down that isle, knowing her brother, but he was sitting in a pew on the opposite side of the church from where Roderich was. Strange, isn't it?

Lovino ended up walking down the isle with Arthur—since he is the next elected Dear Blank blogger (is that what you call them?)—and neither seemed too happy about it. Reluctantly, they made it to the alter and could separate. Then began the real challenge.

Sitting there in the back of the church for two long hours while two men stood in front of a droning priest. I thought I'd die.

It wasn't even ten minutes later when I heard laughter from the row in front of me. It was Nicolla, Lovino's immature cousin. She was sitting between Vash and Alfred, playing her rather large DS. It was some strange puzzle game with a professor and she was complaining about the assistant's voice. Supposedly, it was new and she complained about missing the old one. Vash finally elbowed her and hissed that she should put it away. She scowled at him but turned it off and pocketed it like the little delinquent she is. That moron, Alfred, leaned in close to her. I caught a bit of what he said: "Fireworks."

I was suspicious, but I ignored it. He's an American. Americans love fireworks. That's why they made that ridiculous day the Fourth of July a holiday.

Vash looked curious but those two little smudges said nothing else.

Then Twinkies crept in—late, as always. Kiku was sitting in a seat over where Roderich sat; the opposite side of the church. Gilbert and Sadiq were sitting with them. Sadiq waved her over. As she entered the chapel, I realized Gupta was with her, once again. He was following her like a lost puppy. Pitiful, really. If you follow someone that often, then you must either be cursed or you love them. That girl is possibly the most annoying character I know, and I cannot understand how she could ever find someone who can stand her.

How in the world can Egypt stand her? That is what I would like to know.

After another hour or so, the smiling Russian, Ivan, frowned. Not a moment later, Francis fell over and took the priest with him. The fool was drunk, obviously, and was escorted out of the chapel. Once he was gone, Ivan continued to smile. He knew something or did something, the freak.

Thankfully, nothing else failed, and Lovino and Antonio were asked the same question: "Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband"—except he referred to Lovino as 'wife' and hell broke loose for a while over that. After everyone was settled, the priest announced: "You may kiss the bride."

Spain and Romano kissed, and matrimony was completed.

I admit, it was…beautiful. The kiss was filled with such emotions, I felt its power from my seat in the back. We all stood and clapped—because they were so sweet together and because it was finally over.

We filed out of the area and left for the outside reception area. Lovino and Antoino were the last to join us; they changed in the hotel rooms before coming down. Sometime during the toasts—in which several people were lined up for—there was a crash from one of the hills. Turning, I was the first to see a firework in the sky. It was followed by several more to create a flower and a tomato. Yao rose and yelled something. He was angry, but I did not yet understand why. Then I saw Alfred, IntraSule, and Gilbert running back to us. They had set up a complete firework show.

In all honestly, it was magnificent. The designs were beautiful—hearts, flags, peace signs, more tomatoes, and several other figures. It was splendid, it really was. We stayed there into the evening and then into the early morning, drinking, playing games, telling jokes, sharing memories, and watching more fireworks. It wasn't for a while that I realized they had been Yao's special fireworks, however he was so surprised by the audience's response that he allowed those bafoons to continue using them.

And that, my dear India, was then wedding. It was spectacular and also very awkward, but…fun. Well, nonetheless, it was enjoyable.

I wish you could have attended, my friend. For now, I shall close the letter with my blessings.

Your friend,

Saudi Arabia


	176. From Isabel

**Dear Twinkies,**

First of all, thank you for letting me stay over at your house while my big brothers were away at Hermano España's bachelor party, muchas gracias. Also let me apologize if Manuel or Rafael messed anything up at the wedding *cough* knocking the lit candles down *cough*, but still, I am just happy for Antonio, no?

Egypt was really nice and so was Luxembourg (forgive me if I spelled that wrong), I don't know why Big Brother Spain was worried about that...but it was fun hanging out with you :)

I still can't believe I was the flower girl, if I was freaking out about the wedding, I was sure as tacos freaking out about Antonio asking me to be the flower girl, I'll thank him for that as soon as he gets back with Lovino.

Muchas gracias for everything, amiga,

Isabel Fernandez-Hidalgo (Central Mexico)


	177. Behind the Wedding

**Dear Isabel,**

You're most welcome! Honestly, though, you don't need to apologize for your brothers. I kind of…screwed with many factors in Lovino's wedding…uh, I guess you could say I sort of ordered a pink cake, the wedding dress, and I had a guy I know eat all the caterer's food. He's an old friend from my Japanese days—Kiku had invited me over to the island and there were some Egyptians involved and some other stuff that included the end of the world and all humanity and a big dude with arms the size of tanks. I didn't really do much, but I did get to punch some people, specifically this Bandit Keith guy who tried to hijack my credit card. Anyway, his name's Joey. Joey Wheeler. He's a pretty cool guy, when he's not making fun of you mercilessly and calls dibs on all your M'n'M's. It's too bad Lovino ripped the dress, though…

I did get one thing right, by the way! I had Romania and Turkey help me outside for a while. We were watching out for Bella. She was persistent, I tell you! We were sitting on the steps outside and a limo drove up. I was thinking, holy hell, what now?

And then Bella stepped out with her poodle and I thought, holy hell, even her poodle is blonde. She walked over to us and Turkey got up and held out his arms.

"Stalkers aren't aloud," he said and Romania and I were a little drunk from the wine we swiped so we laughed.

Bella didn't say a word but started cracking her knuckles. She wasn't kidding around and we stopped laughing.

"Where is Antonio?" She asked.

I rolled my eyes. "Oh, no," I said, "not this again. Jesus, Bella, just go home. It's over, they're—"

I was interrupted by the smack of a flip-flop hitting my forehead. I was stunned—she threw a shoe at me! But then another blonde girl hopped out of the limo. She was really—and I mean really—short. And I thought I was short! She had these beady brown eyes and crazy pigtails and I thought, holy hell, she's insane.

So Romania hopped up and said, "Wow, that was very much uncalled for. Could you please go home Bella?"

"Why?" Bella hissed. "Don't you want to meet a relative of mine?"

Yeah. Mind = Blow, right? That little short kid was some distant relative of hers. Can't say I'm surprised, though—she did hit me with a shoe. And she's blonde.

"Meet my eight cousin, Hiyori." And Bella was smiling. She started walking toward us. "You can speak to her while I speak to Antonio."

She threw her coat at Romania and he was like, "Oh, HELL no!" He chased after her and I stared after them.

I'd just realized how skimpy Bella's dress was, and let me tell you, hookers would have been ashamed to wear it in public. It was a short, short, too short dress that was basically a lacy nightgown with a push-up bra below and bright green undies. Her boots were at least nine inches, and I thought, holy hell, I couldn't walk in those.

Anyway, I turned around when I heard screaming, and I saw the shorty had a sword! But Sadiq had her hanging off the ground by her collar.

"Put me down, you stupid baldy!" She was screaming. Sadiq laughed. "I mean it! Put me down or I'll KILL you!"

"Yeah, nice try," he said. "I'm a country, sweetheart. I own 302,500 square miles, and all you've got is a dinky sword." He grabbed his chin. "Come to think of it, maybe I should have bought a sword for Japan. A Katana, maybe?"

"What did you buy him?" I wondered.

"Put me the hell DOWN!" Hiyori roared.

"Oh, it's a surprise!" Turkey exclaimed warmly and I thought, holy hell, is he going to hug me? He looked that happy, seriously. "It was a Christmas gift, so it must be good, yeah?"

I don't know if you heard about this, but one year, Sadiq thought he'd buy a present for Belarus because he liked her dominance—I mean, he liked her. I didn't see him for a whole week after that, so I went to visit him and he had a black eye. Turns out, he bought her perfume. He bought Natalia perfume because he thought she'd fall in love with him then. And then he bought Egypt an IPhone and told him the End button would destroy the world if he pressed it.

Hell, Egypt never used a phone before, so of course he'd be apprehensive. He'd never even heard of an IPhone before Sadiq bought him it.

Anyway, Sadiq hauled Hiyori off to some room and locked her in there and we went searching for Bella and Romania. I thought that, since Lovino's suite was closer than Antonio's, she might have gone in there, so I tried the door, but it was locked. I found a bench down one of the nearby hallways and used it to ram the door down. What? I seriously thought Bella was in there and there was going to be a showdown. I could hear some screaming when I got back, so I battered down the door and ran inside.

"Lovino, are you all right?!" I yelled. Then I realized he was shouting because Saudi Arabia, Luxembourg (Henrita), and Lili were trying to fit him into that dress I secretly ordered for him.

"What the fuck are you doing in here, you bastard?!" Lovino screeched and I had to cover my ears.

"I—I was looking for Lovino Jr.," I lied. What, I had to. I didn't want him to know Bella was here if he hadn't already heard.

Lovino growled and grabbed me by the upper arm. He dragged me to the door, whacked me with a coat hanger, opened the door, and then pushed me out. Someone caught me, and I was shocked to find Egypt there. That son-of-a-bitch had caught me.

God, he is amazing.

"So you've found her," he murmured. "Thank you—"

"Screw you." And Lovino slammed the door shut.

"Gupta!" I jumped up. "We've gotta find Bella! She's infiltrated the hotel!"

"Bella?" He sighed. "I thought something was amiss."

"Yeah, well we gotta go NOW," I exclaimed, grabbing him by the arm. I basically dragged him all around the hotel until we found Romania standing outside of Antonio's room.

"I'm guarding it," he told us. His head hung. "I lost Bella. Dammit…"

"Dude, it's fine," I said hurriedly. "Do you know where Sadiq went? We separated."

"Somewhere near to the chapel," Romania reported. "He said that if she ruined the wedding, at least he could rescue the decorations. He knows everyone put a lot of effort into them."

"That's hardly any main concern," Gupta murmured. I think he was a little annoyed, but I pretended not to hear him. He and Sadiq have been friends forever, it's okay for them to be irritated with one another.

I didn't want to leave Gupta behind, but I turned and asked him if he'd be willing to go separate ways for a while, just until we found Bella. He nodded and was about to start off when Antonio's door opened. He was giving us an odd look.

"Hola," he said. "What's all this?"

Romania tried to slam the door shut, but Antonio held fast and rivaled his power. "Just go back inside and finish dressing!"

"But I am finished already!" Antonio exclaimed, wounded. "Why can't I leave? I need a glass of agua!"

"Then we'll bring it to you," Romania snapped. "Just don't leave until I say it's okay."

Rafael and Manuel came to the door and peered out. "What's all the commotion, hermano?" Manuel wondered.

"It's not good, that's for sure." Rafael was laughing. I think he thought the three of us looked like goofs; Romania's tux jacket was crooked and his hat was falling off his head, my hair was beyond repair and my dress was wrinkled, and Gupta…Well, actually, he looked perfect, as always. Nothing ever happens to that guy, I tell you. "Well, what's up, amigos?"

Antonio's eyes darkened. For a 'dumb blonde,' as Lovino and Henrita call him, he certainly does catch on quickly. "It's Bella, isn't it?"

"Good God, Bella?!" Manuel gasped, eyes wider than I've ever seen them. "Bella is here? Oh, crap!"

"Holy crap, man!" Rafael looked like he wanted to throw on a cape and fight evil. "Santa Maria, we must stop her!"

"Can't you just listen to me for once and hang out in there for a bit?" Romania groaned.

"It's fine! It's fine!" I shook my head; I was losing control over all this. The wedding was going to hell behind the scenes. "We can find her and stop her, it's fine. I mean, she's just a dumb blonde, what's the worst she can do?"

Okay, I'm not gonna lie, I knew I was underestimating her. But, surprisingly, I didn't care. I knew I could take her on. After all, fight fire with fire, right? She was pissing me off and my temper was like a ticking time bomb. I'd had a shit day so far, and I was gonna need to punch something before the day's end. Like Piggeh, I was pumped.

"No, I need to speak to her." Antonio was dead serious as he stepped back from the door to grab his tie. I was hoping he wasn't, but I saw the determination in his eyes and I knew there'd be no talking him out of this.

But we could sure as hell try!

I lunged forward and body slammed the door shut. Romania pressed his back against it and his feet dug into the carpet.

"Hey!" Rafael shouted, muffled.

"The heck, chaval!" Manuel yelled angrily.

"Go!" Romania shouted to Egypt and I. "Go, now! I've got the door."

"You can't hold this shut against three frantic Spaniards!" I cried, putting all my weight into holding the door closed. They were pushing back on the other side; I could feel the door bend.

"Dammit, would you go?" Romania snapped. "I've got a date here with me, and I sure as hell want to join her, but you don't see me running off!"

"What has that got to do with this?" I asked vehemently.

"I mean to say that you should go!" Romania kicked me in the shin.

"Ow!" I yelped.

"I want to see my lady and you want to help keep the door secure, but you can't win them all," Romania continued.

"Come, Twinkies," Gupta said, still with that maddening calm voice of his. He pulled my left hand from the door. "Before Antonio escapes through the window."

I hadn't thought of that.

I wished Romania luck and Gupta and I hurried towards the chapel. When we arrived, we found Sadiq wielding a lamp at the back end of the church. Bella was no where to be seen. I wanted to bang my head against a wall at that moment, but then Gupta said, "She's coming."

I was going to ask him how he knew, but stopped. He's Egypt, for Ra's sake, of course he'd know that.

He pulled me over to one of the pillars and we waited behind it.

"Any of you guys got some gum?" Sadiq called out.

Before we could answer, the doors flew open again.

It was Bella. Dragging a KO'd Romania by the hem of the bottom of his pants. She trudged through the door and noticed Sadiq in the far back. I saw her eyes. They were puffy, as if she'd been crying, and I didn't know why. Well, I sort of knew. She and Antonio had been an item once. I thought, holy hell, maybe she still loves him.

But I sure as hell wasn't supporting her. I still don't.

"This can't go on, Bella." I thought it was Sadiq challenging her, but then something bumped me and Gupta stood forward. I was shocked. Gupta's a pretty quiet guy who prefers not to join in on people's drama, but there he stood, gallant and radiating with a golden haze of sunlight that had slivered through the stained glass skylight above our heads. Even Bella was gawking at him. I wanted to high-five him right then. "I am not one to be easily irritated and it is not in my nature to take control of a situation like this, but I feel I must step in. First of all, release Romania." Bella dropped him and smirked. Romania groaned. Gupta remained passive, but his voice was forceful: "You cannot continue your assault forever. Antonio is polite and he wants to ensure your happiness. However, you are stubborn and much too possessive to understand his concerns."

"Aw, he's concerned for me?" Bella laughed bitterly while I wondered where the hell her dog went. "He's probably telling everyone he hates me right now."

"Antonio is honorable," Gupta sounded exasperated. "He's only wanted your happiness. He cares for you, truly he does, but he does not care for you in the way he cares for Lovino. Only he holds the fate of his future, and that is not for anyone to take from him. He has chosen to live his life out with Lovino, and that is of no concern to you, nor is it an opportunity for you to ruin."

"He should have stayed with me!" Bella yelled. "I was perfect for him! Perfect! We were so happy!"

"Sorry," I heard Romania's muffled voice. "They got out of the room. I tried to stop them, really I did, but they escaped. I didn't tell them where you all were, since they didn't actually ask, but I rushed her as fast as a could. Then psycho here found me and kicked me in an awful place."

"Oh, shut up!" Bella shrieked, glaring down at him. "Just shut up! It's your fault. You goaded me on. Antonio would NEVER do that to me! He wouldn't antagonize me, you worthless swine."

"Oh, lovely," Romania muttered. "Now I'm a swine."

Bella turned back to face Gupta. "Antonio and I had it all. We had paradise. We were amazing!"

"Do you forget, Bella, that you are the one who left him?" That, I think, was the first time I've ever heard Gupta snap. He looked angry. I could guess that he was just annoyed at first, but now he was really packing on the fury. "He thought the world of you. Admired you. And you betrayed him." Bella cringed at his blunt, harsh words. "He would have made your separation painless—he had fallen in love with Lovino, and you, your vanity. You wanted something Antonio could not give you, and your greed wanted to possess two men's hearts."

I probably looked like an idiot; my jaw was dropped and I was trying not to fall over. I didn't know any of this. Antonio had said some stuff about all that, including the time at the wedding, but I didn't know this side of the story. Egypt strikes again.

Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever heard him talk as much as he did.

"I—I—" Bella stuttered.

"You could not love him to the extent you claim if you had deserted him before," Gupta said.

"He came back to me, though!" Bella argued. Her hands were shaking wildly. I watched them closely, and was it wrong to say I was intrigued by them? God, that sounds wrong. "After he and that little tomato loving freak separated, he came back to me!"

"For a drink and some advice," Gupta growled abruptly. His tolerance was waring thin. Bella was taken aback by his sudden fierceness and glanced at Sadiq warily. Sadiq shook his head slowly, as if wondering if he should leave. Can't say I blamed him, I felt uncomfortable myself and I was still wondering if she could see me crouched down behind Gupta. "He did not desire you. He had at first, but that was long ago, before Lovino had started to mature."

"He was a stupid kid," Bella hissed. "It wasn't fair. It wasn't FAIR!" She was crying. I felt sad. "He was my first love! I thought we would stay together, but then I met Jean and I thought I had fallen for him. I told Antonio and he—he—he didn't care!" She choked on air for a second and then resumed: "I thought he would have been upset, desperate for me not to leave, sad—something! Anything would have sufficed, but he just stood there smiling and said, okay! That ass!"

"Well, he was in love with Lovino," Sadiq said. I face planted; Sadiq is just not good with relationship advice. Or advice period. "He had reached his teen stage around that time. Tonio really adored him as a kid and as a teen, he was, you know, there and Toni's type."

"Yeah, well that didn't last long, did it?" Bella sobbed. I strangely wanted to comfort her but I stopped myself. I thought, holy hell, I want to hug the enemy, the hell man?

"Well, they grew up." Sadiq said it so simply, so calmly, and he shrugged. I was impressed. "Lovino turned into an actual man and so did Antonio. They got wiser and more mature. It's like those couples who fall in love in high school but decide to wait until they've finished collage to test their bond." Bella looked mesmerized with his explanation. "Then, after collage they meet up again, find out they're still madly in love, and then kiss each other in the rain and all that."

It was silent for a minute. I kept staring at Sadiq. Finally, forgetting Bella, I got up and said, "The hell kind of movies have you been watching?"

Sadiq blushed—actually blushed. "What movies? What are you talking about, man? I don't watch chick flicks, they're not manly at ALL."

"Kissing in the rain, numb nuts," I said. "That sounds like a fuckin' chick flick to me."

"It is not, okay?" Sadiq sneered. "Elizabeta watches them all the time and she likes practicing her romancing on me."

I was stunned again. "Why?"

Suddenly, the doors flew open again and I sank back down onto my haunches. Gupta slowly came down to my level and grabbed my arm to pull me back up. Sadiq had that oh shit look on his face and Bella had turned to face your brothers, the priest, and a few party-goers. They almost stepped on Romania, but the priest was kind and he helped him onto his feet and seated him in the nearest pew. Romania's hat was gone now and most of his jacket's buttons were ripped off. The collar was pulled all the way over his shoulder and his hair was as screwed as mine was.

"Whoa, shit man!" Alfred exclaimed, appearing from behind Manuel and the priest. "It's Bella! How the hell'd she get it here?"

"I don't quite know what's going on," Kiku said; he was standing next to the priest on the opposite side. "Why is Bella—"

"Chaval, you need to leave!" Manuel's voice was louder than everyone else's. Something shifted behind him.

I tilted my head a little further to the side and realized it was Mathew. He was glancing around wide eyed and frightful.  
"O-oh, Bella..."

"Good God in Heaven," the priest murmured, doing the sign of the Cross. "Tis her!"

"Shhh!" Rafael exclaimed sternly. "Let my hermano speak!"

Antonio looked worn down, sullen and deprived of sleep. "Bella, why are you here?" She remained silent. "Why do you want to ruin this for me? Why?"

"I want what we had," Bella whispered solemnly. "I want you back, Tonio."

"Bella…" He trailed off. I have to admit, I kind of admire Bella's stubbornness. I mean, I wouldn't go as far as humiliating the bride—I mean, the other groom or attempted murder at weddings. We were getting to that point—I could see it coming. "Bella, it was so long ago. And you had left me first."

"Yeah, and what did you do?" Bella threw a fist over her heart. "You said okay! Okay!? It wasn't fair—you were supposed to be upset or sad, or you could have asked why! Did you even know you were my first love?" Antonio's hair was falling out. "Did you ever wonder what would have happened if we had a second chance?"

"I—I—forgive me," Antonio said, "I was a fool. I thought that…well, you were obviously in love—I thought—and I was in love, so I thought we had parted on friendly terms." Everyone was at standstill. I expected Alfred to yell something random, but he was quiet. "I thought that…I mean, you were leaving, we were over, you said so, and I thought that…" He shrugged and I was thinking, is it weird that I'm fascinated with all this? "I thought that you were setting us free."

Bella looked like a troll. Not even kidding; her eyes were dark and baggy, her shoulders were slouched, her knees were partially buckled, and her mouth was a bitter frown. Well, no, it was actually kind of soft, like she'd been told she didn't have to fly in a plane, but she did have to drive twelve hours straight. She was still crying, kind of, but she was getting some color back in her cheeks.

"Setting us free," she whispered.

"I'm so sorry, Bella," Antonio said. "I suppose I kind of mistranslated that, huh?" He rubbed the back of his head. "I just…I didn't know any better, I guess. After Lovino and I separated the first time, I thought that you could help me because…well, we are amigos, and I admire your strength. Then you kissed me, and…I realized things had really changed between us. I thought you only cared for me as a friend. You were persistent when Lovino and I were dating, but I thought the two of you were simply on bad terms. I didn't know you still had feelings for me until it was far too late, and that hurt me. I hate to see you like this."

"Don't make me sound weak," Bella said. But her voice was quiet and resigned.

Antonio smiled. "I'm not. I know you're incredibly strong—you did break my arm once." Bella paled and Antonio laughed. "There are no qualms, Bella." He frowned again. "I—I'm really sorry if I hurt you. I didn't mean to, I was just rash and in love and I wasn't paying much attention to other people's feelings." He shrugged again. "I mean, I did know something about all that, so I did tell people that I left you the first time and the second, well…I told them we dated." I was stunned, again. "I guess it's time to tell the rest of you—we only had drinks. We weren't actually dating. I asked for help, and you did give me advice—followed by the he's-completely-wrong-for-you speech—but then we kissed once and I knew—uh, thought it was completely over between us."

Bella trembled like the world was tilting. "I…why can't we have a real second chance?"

Antonio looked like he wanted to cry. "Oh, Bella," he murmured. "It's too late. So many things have been destroyed because of us, because of this feud, and it needs to come to an end. It's been going on for centuries. It's time to wind it all down."

"I—I don't know if I can," Bella said. She was crying again.

Antonio stepped forward—everyone was freaking out for a moment there—and wrapped his arms around her. They were hugging, and it was cute for a brotherly sisterly kind of hug. "I'm so sorry, Bella, but I'm not the one for you." She choked. "If I were, then we'd still be together, perfectly and incandescently happy. But we're not, and that tells me fate didn't want us that way. It wants me to be with Lovino, and it wants you to be with someone who can make your heart really sing. He could be right under your nose, and you don't even know it. I know I didn't."

"This—is too—much," Bella sobbed. Antonio rocked her back and forth. "I—I don't know what—to do!"

"The answer is simple, Bella," Antonio said. "You've got to let go of your regrets and move forward. Make a new resolve. You are Belgium, and you are an amazing country. You just have to keep on your toes, smile everyday, invite people to eat chocolate, and keep your eyes peeled for a new adventure. That's how I got this far—looking for adventure. Without resolve, I would have never won independence from Arthur—I know my hermano still bugs me about that." Rafael scowled. "And how would I have been able to cross the ocean and discover Mexico? How would we have ever met?"

Bella sort of calmed down and leaned against Antonio's shoulder. "Can we…can we start new?"

Antonio grinned and pulled away. He extended an arm to her. "Hola, me llamo Antonio Fernandez Carriedo!"

Bella smiled subtly and took his hand after a short pause. "Hallo, I am Bella Florinda Maes."

Antonio chuckled and pulled her into a hug again. "Encantado."

So anyway, everyone got a little awkward and the priest boomed, "Let us begin!"

Antonio let Bella hang out for the wedding—she was really excited and sat beside Sadiq who made her wear his coat—and Alfred had a confetti cannon and he popped it in Matthew's face, probably hoping to cheer him up. He actually jumped and screamed and backed away, so Alfred told a blonde joke and pulled him down the isle towards a seat in the front row. Manuel and Rafael were giddy and as they were leaving the chapel to hurry and grab their ties, they knocked over one of the lit candles and the rest fell over like dominoes. They shouted apologies and the priest sighed deeply. Then the ceremonial curtains caught fire and there was pandemonium as we raced for buckets of water to put the stuff out. Kiku was trembling as he sat down; he was caught of guard, I think, and then Manuel promised the priest, who was about to faint, that he'd pay for damages and for new curtains. Alfred and Matthew talked with Gupta and I for a few minutes and then Rafael sent us to find everyone and tell them to get their asses out to the chapel.

We found Nicolla, Vash and Roderich first. Vash and Roderich were arguing again, and Nicolla was cracking up. Then we found you hanging out with Elizabeta, Brazil and some of the Asian countries and then we found Ivan and Ludwig ransacking the basement for beer. A couple countries were huddled by Lovino's door, trying to get a glimpse of him in the dress, but before I could even shoo them away, Lovino's door slammed into Poland's face and he stomped out in a tux (dammit). After we'd found everyone, we still had to find Francis.

After half an hour of looking around, we found him in the fountain outside. That actually made a lot of sense.

Anyway, everyone was situated by the time Gupta and I got back, but we couldn't join you guys because the caterer was having trouble finding the paper plates. The fucker. I guess they don't use actual plates anymore. After Gupta and I dug out the silverware from one of the cupboards in the kitchen, we informed the wedding planner that her caterer was a dumbass and joined everyone in the church. It was all good after that, but I saw Saudi Arabia giving me a dirty look.

Half way in, Manuel knocked over that other lit candle and almost knocked out Lovino just as the priest said, "Lawfully wedded wife," and I don't think anyone could help but laugh when Lovino beat Manuel's leg nearly half to death with the candle. Gilbert and Sadiq were laughing so loud I couldn't hear myself think. I glanced at Gupta and even he was smiling. He's...cute when he smiles.

I'm not confessing anything!

Anyway, the fireworks—they were cool. I didn't even see them coming! Yao didn't seem to mind, though. I guess they did a job well done.

And that, my friend, is what happened behind the scenes of the wedding of the century. Crazy, right? But Bella seems…well, you saw her at the reception, I'm sure. She'd happier and much more vivacious. I guess Antonio was the one who set them both free in the end. How ironic.

Well, I've gotta go. Lovino's left for his honeymoon in Antarctica—thank God—but Gilbert's been on a binge for two days and I really don't think I could drink another beer. I've gotta hide.

Your friend,

Twinkies

PS: Okay, I lied, it's not actually Antarctica; they went to Salar de Uyuni.

PPS: You think someone found Hiyori? I forgot about her...

_**Meanwhile, Somewhere in Prague**_

**"Hey! Hey! You dumbass baldies, lemme out! Hey! Hello!? Shinjiiiiii!"**


	178. Dear Bastards, Again Again

**Aloha Dear Bastards,**

So I'm sure you're all eager to hear the title of the new Dear Blogger series, right? Am I right? No? Screw you, kid.

Anyway, a lot of you seemed to like my suggestion most, and I also liked the Dear Git thing, but mostly everyone seems to prefer **Dear Wanker**.

So our new Dear Blank series = **Dear Wanker**. Love, England.

Okay, maybe not love, maybe I hate you all for doing this to me, England, but screw it, I'll just jack the system from him and type Love, England. I can do that because I'm the writer.

:D

Anyway, thanks for the other suggestions, guys! I really means a lot to me that you guys are so into this. I still can't believe how popular the damned Dear Bastard blog is getting! It really makes my day when you guys tell me how much this whole thing means to you, seriously it does. It was just a summer thing! I know I've said that way too often, but I'm serious, it really means a lot to me that this means, uh, a lot to you! I feel really excited about starting a new blog with England—he is really awesome and even I'm interested to see how this is all going to turn out.

So, onto other stuff!

This is gonna sound stupid, but along with all this fame—can I call it that?—there are also a lot of insecurities. I've just moved into a new home, and lemme tell you, it sucks when you move a lot, so I haven't been updating as often. I, however, think that's a good thing, since we're close to 200 of these letters. Dude like whoa. I'm super ecstatic I've made it this far!

Anyway, I have you guys to thank for that and it really makes me happy when you tell me I've done good. Especially with the whole Bella scene—I didn't even know I was going to add her in there at first! I was just thinking about it and then I thought, well, I haven't done much with Bella lately, so why the hell not?

By the way, I wanted it to be a secret about where her poodle went. You'll probably find out later. Wink, wink.

And also, nah, no one's nagged me too much. Honestly, I had totally forgotten about Romania for a while, and I thought, you know, he would be fun to have hanging out. I don't think anyone knows much about his character right now, but I portrayed him best I could. He is seriously fun to write for! I love writing for less popular characters, they're just so mysterious and fun, like Egypt.

Yes, I have a thing for him, fine, but I'm 30% Egyptian, so don't blame me. He's so…interesting and, well, mysterious. He doesn't say much, and he's always got that knowing twinkle in his eyes. He's probably my favorite character alongside Switzerland, England, and Romano. Plus, he's got a stick. And he beats people with it. That's an immediate badass right there.

Moving on; yeah, so I said I was gonna be fixing up the older letters, but I've had no time recently. You guys are probably like, God, Twinkies, you're so freaking lazy, just do it already. Yep. I'm lazy. But you knew that already. No, but seriously, I will be getting to that soon. The Novel is still under construction, as I'm sure you impatient, greedy bastards know, and I promise, I'm working on it. I'm sure you collage folks know what all THAT'S like. Working sucks, too, I know you guys agree.

I know, I know, Twinkies, you're always coming up with stupid excuses like God, man. Oh, shut up.

Anyway, I apologize for any inconveniences or impatientness and I will try to work harder. Things have just been hectic and I feel like I've been running a marathon.

Okay, okay, I've rambled, I know, but I just wanted to share my appreciation with you all. I'm freaking bouncing off my walls! I'm just a dumb American kid, and you guys are applauding me around every turn, and for that, I just really want to tell you how grateful I am for all this. It's really changed me, too. I'd always wanted to write comedy, but I was afraid of being a failure. Most people are afraid of that, I know, but it freaked me out when I first posted the beginning of this blog. It was originally just to take out frustrations and all that good stuff—plus, I just thought the idea was badass—and it took off so suddenly I was stunned. I didn't think I'd ever get so far in just a few months. I mean, wow! It's only been a couple months and I'm nearing 1,000 reviews already! I mean, damn! That's really awesome and I'm so happy and excited and, I don't know, surprised. I can't thank you guys enough, I really can't. And now I'm already coming out with another blog! This is freaking awesome and I'm stoked and proud of myself for coming this far. Again, I can't thank you all enough for joining me on this trip and staying with me. You guys rock! It's my turn to applaud YOU!

/) * (\ or Brofist, Applause or I'll See You in the Next Letter, ect.

All right, yeah, I've rambled even more, I'm sorry, but I'm really excited! So, I'm ending this letter with my blessings and a smiley face:

:D

See it? That's a smiley face right there. Pretty awesome, right?

Thank you!

Twinkies

PS: I'll have Dear Wanker up by Friday. I think I'll set it up either tomorrow or on Tuesday, but it will definitely have it's third or fourth chapter posted by Friday. I love Spamano, but I'm not sure if I should add a pairing this time. I also love USxUK (I like Fruk, but honestly not as much), but I also know that a lot of people like Arthur with Francis. I don't want people unsatisfied or unhappy with the whole Dear Wanker blog. I know, I'm the writer, I can do whatever the hell I want, and it's probably going to end up UsxUK anyway, but I trust you won't be too disappointed .


	179. Apology from Belgium and Mysterious Info

Dear Lovino,

Hallo. I, uh, suppose I've got some atoning to do, huh?

Well, Lovino…I'm truly sorry for all the inconveniences I've caused. We were friends, and I've really damaged that. I feel horrible. I remember teasing you when you were a kid. You were a cute kid, you know, and I knew you liked me. I teased you and regretted it, because I wanted you to trust me because I loved you like a little brother.

And then there was Antonio. I'd known him a long time, since the Burgundian-Hapsburgs acquired the crown of Spain. My brother and I were always together during those early times, and Antonio was part of our trio. He was like guardian, an angel watching over me, and then one day I just…woke up and realized he meant more than that. I thought that we could continue to be together until something changed in him.

He adored you. Thought the world of you. And was extremely protective and vehement when he spoke of you. Francis kidnapped you that one day. Do you remember?

Antonio had decided he'd wanted to trade you with your brother. But you revealed how injured and insulted and lonely you felt and Antonio felt incredibly guilty. He swore he'd always be there for you and would always be your big brother.

Then Francis found you out in the garden and snagged you. You kicked him in the balls and told him off and returned home—you were a ruthless kid!—but while you were gone, Antonio was a mess. The two of you had an argument and that had been what had sent you storming off to the garden. Antonio said he couldn't believe he'd let you out of his sight. He felt like an ass and told me he would give anything to have you back.

"Some sucky older brother I am!" He cried.

He looked like he was going to burst into tears, and then you walked through the gate and his face just lit up.

I was jealous. Livid with it. I wanted Antonio for myself, and you were getting in the way of that. He was buying you expensive cloths, which you refused; he was bending over backwards trying to gain your attention, your trust, your love, and you were so resilient. I was outraged, I'll admit, and depressed. I thought, can't he see what's right in front of him? Does he not see me? Why does he only see that dumb kid?

I tried seducing him, but he's such a blonde—he didn't get any of the hints. My brother suggested confessing my feelings and, seeing as that was the last thing I could think to do, I obliged.

The next week, you were kidnapped again—by Turkey. Antonio was anguished to have you taken away just as he thought the two of you were making progress. He was determined, however, and he rescued you. Then the kingdom fell into debt with all the money he spent on your protection. I warned him, but he told me he couldn't let you go—you were 'special' to him and he simply couldn't let you go. I think the argument we had over that was when you finally realized how much Antonio adored you. You were sweet when you thanked him, and I couldn't help but smile at your sudden epiphany. Antonio declared that you had a sweet side after all, and then I was upset again.

Then you were sent back to Italy to see your brother and old friends, and I jumped at the chance. I had to postpone my actions, however, because Antonio was distressed. He told me everyday of every hour he missed you; he stared out the windows and sighed and sometimes he would just sit so still and silently in the garden, mesmerizing the flowers and vegetables you'd sewn. He wouldn't even pass your room in the hallway; he avoided it at all cost and took the back stairwell instead.

Two weeks later, I let my secret slip and wondered if he felt the same. He hesitated. I felt stupid and was going to flee when he said he thought he was in love with me, too. I was so relieved. My brother had just won his independence, and I missed him desperately. Antonio filled the hole left in my heart with his kindness and concern for me.

But day by day, you were growing. You were maturing and, even though you were miles away across land and sea, Antonio knew it. He wrote to you and you didn't reply at first. Then Antonio rushed into the kitchen one day, excited and giddy. He handed me a note and I was disappointed to learn it was from you. I read it and was outraged once more—you had written him some insulting, angry letter, and Antonio was treating it like a treasure. I hadn't seen him so worked up in months. You two continued exchanging letters and he seemed more satisfied with that than with me.

And then, you returned one day to visit Antonio, to boast your power to him, you told me, and I felt reassured knowing you harbored no emotions for Antonio besides your friendship. But then I felt uncomfortable once I escorted you into Antonio's ball room. You not only cheered Antonio up, you also made his heart sing; I could hear a melody as he ran to you and embraced you before my very eyes.

I felt inferior to you. I felt small and fragile. Antonio was always cheering me up and he was loyal as a dog, but I was still scared I'd lose him to you. You were so handsome. Antonio promised he had simply missed you so much because you were his little brother, his hermano pequeño, his friend, his comrade. I trusted him, but not completely.

Once you were gone, I decided I wanted my own independence. My brother had it, Antonio had it, and now you had it. The American Revolution had just ended and I was anxious. If that dumb blonde American could gain independence from Great Britain, then so could I from an old friend of mine who had joined my brother—Holland. I loved my older brother very much, and I loved Holland, but I wanted to be free, to be in control of my own life. I left Spain, and our relationship was strained. During that time, I meat a man named Jean. He was loving and brave and daring and passionate about liberation from Holland. He was a friend of my brothers and held great respect for him, but Jean was like me: a caged spirit who wanted something for himself, for just this once. I began falling in love with him, though I didn't know that yet. Through all of the separation and disappointments, Antonio was still determined on keeping our friendship alive.

And then Antonio became gravely ill while I was building my army. I heard from your brother that you were at his home, nursing him, even though you were ill as well. You even tripled your import rates from Spain and bought as much as you could to help restore his country and his health, though you were dealing with your own economical difficulties. I was stunned that you would care so much, that you would willingly give away all you had just to please Antonio, the country you defied as a child and the country you ignored as a teenager. You even went rounds with your Mafia, the ruthless crowd you secretly feared, just to save and protect Antonio.

I was impressed, touched…inferior once again.

That must have been when Antonio finally realized how ardently he loved you. War came around and discovered I was in love with Jean. He'd been so loyal to me, so bold and honorable, doing all he could for me. Cruelly, I felt that I could finally recipricate the heartache Antonio had caused in me and told him I'd fallen in love with Jean during my pre-reception. He was glad for me and wished me well. The only justice he did me at that moment was promising to assist me in the coming war. But I was perturbed—I had wanted him to fight for me, to cry now that I was really leaving. But I shouldn't have expected that. He had fallen in love with you—that was obvious—and I had fallen in love with another.

During the war, Jean and I were happy. I was, admittedly, happier with Jean than I was with Antonio. Then Antonio confessed his love for you after returning from one of the battles. He wanted you to know in case he never returned, to know that you were always on his mind and in his soul. He sent a letter first. I don't know if you got that, but he wrote one.

Again, I was infuriated. I suppose it's like Gupta said; I had fallen in love with Jean, but old habits still wanted me to hang onto Antonio. I was wanted worldwide because of my beauty and strength. I was cruel to you beforehand when you were visiting, I know, but I was even crueler after Antonio confessed his love to you.

Jean died in action and I was in anguish. Sadiq was kind to me. He allowed me to stay in his home for a while when I had fallen into a ravine and he had rescued me. I went to him for solace, asking him for help with my country.

Sadiq has his stranger sides once you get to know him. He has great bedside manor and he's really funny. He helped me through the last few years of the war. He and Elizabeta were always cracking up together and Elizabeta would sometimes practice her charm on Sadiq because he's an easy target for romancing. I know he doesn't seem it or look it at all, but he's got a heart of gold and hides his romantic soul because he knows someone would call him out. Then where would the proud and incredible Turkey be?

Finally, in 1839, I won my independence and left Turkey's residence to start my own. You and Antonio were joined at the hip and me being selfish, I hung around you two because I wanted to re obtain Antonio's love. After Jean had died, I was craving for attention. That is my honest confession.

Suddenly—I don't know why—you and Antonio separated. You don't have to tell me why. Are you surprised Antonio didn't explain it to me? I wondered about it, but he couldn't speak about it. He had sunken into depression. I felt satisfied that I could finally witness Antonio's heart breaking and shared a drink with him, hoping to get some information out of him, and maybe a little love.

That sounds malicious, I know, but I was desperate for someone to care for me. Now that I think about it, I was behaving exactly as Romania said: a psycho. But I didn't care at the time. Antonio and I talked and I…well, I jumped him. He pushed me away and asked me what I thought I was doing. I told him that, 'in all honesty,' I was the one for him. I was the one in his dreams, the person he was to spend his life with. And why not? The two of you were through and your relationship was doomed from the start. He refuted and I insisted that the two of you were no good together, and, I'll admit, I monologued. Gave him the he's-not-right-for-you speech.

But Antonio shut me out. He told me that he couldn't forget what I'd just done, nor could he forget my careless antics regarding you two. He now knew why I was so persistent on coming between the two of you, why I acted badly, why I shunned you from my life and loitered around Antonio as much as possible. He told me he'd tell the others we had dated a little more, to save my pride and let the walls collapse on himself, so that no one would ask me questions and no one would assume we were completely and utterly incompatible.

But I refused to believe that. I tried harder and harder to gain him back, but he was only interested in winning you over. You had his heart and, whether you chose to believe it or not, he had yours, and Antonio will do anything to get what he truly wants. I wanted him to fight for me, but that was impossible with you in this world. I thought you would have been disoriented by my sudden wrath, but you weren't even fazed. Your cousin was the culprit behind that extravagant fiesta held in Rome that summer's evening nearly two centuries ago. At that time, she had met Twinkies and the two of them had become allies, and Twinkies recruited a few others to help Antonio win you back. I was there, I was determined on keeping the two of you away, but Twinkies and I have never gotten along—nor shall we ever, I don't expect—and she tackled me before I could stop Antonio from meeting Lovino up on stage. Nicolla was excited and she practically tied the two of you together with a rope from her ship and forced you to exchange sentiments of love.

Which you did and you two were a couple, again.

And again, I tried to get in the way of that, especially when I antagonized you over Antonio after Twinkies set up your blog. I was merciless and I treated your love like a game. When the two of you had that quick separation, I went to see Antonio again. This time, I strictly kept it to getting him drunk, but he refused the tequila and Florida and Antonio's siblings got in the way. Antonio hadn't wanted to tell you about Florida because he'd honestly not thought about it. It hadn't crossed his mind; she was his half daughter and someone important and, knowing him, he probably assumed you already knew about her. She's a cute kid, you know. She calls you Uncle Romano.

Anyway, I finally reached the edge of my tolerance when Twinkies switched my conference paperwork with rage letters from her blog. I didn't mind cursing her to hell, but now I regret that. She's not the easiest to get along with—she's selfish and lazy and direct and unrealistic and stubborn and takes her anger a little too far and is way too happy—but it wasn't right condemning her to hell. I actually…want to get to know her better, but I don't think she wants that.

During the wedding, I finally realized I don't love Antonio as much as I thought I did. He's more or less a brother to me, like Netherlands and Holland. He's more of a guardian, my guardian angel, who wants the best for me and wants me to be happy with my existence. I now realize he loved me, he always had, but not in the way he loves you. And, if you'd like an abstract confession, I miss visiting Turkey.

But, it seems I have centuries to make up to you, Lovino. I miss the days we used to bake churros in the kitchen and sit around and eat them. I miss the loads and loads of piling laundry you two would help me with. I miss the Christmases we shared, like the Christmas I had asked for Santa and I was brought Spain. I miss tending the garden and scolding you for eating the tomatoes. I miss teasing you and guarding you. I miss our friendship, our family. I would give anything to have that back. I would give anything to have a second chance. Do you suppose we could do that—start over?

Regretfully,

Bella Flordina (Belgium)

PS: I have some startling information about your mysterious neighbor, as well, if you care to read this. I've not told a soul, but I feel that you need to know this. It's not bad or anything, but it clears up a lot about her.

I was still living with Turkey. Late one night, Sadiq made a fabulous dinner. It was extraordinary—I'd never heard of Sadiq cooking. He divulged that he'd loved his mother's cooking and wanted to keep her legacy going. She died the week before he won his independence. I think that was what had inspired him to succeed. But I wondered why the meal was so big; there were only two of us.

We're having company, he told me, and I was apprehensive. His friends? Who were his friends? I didn't know he'd had any of those, either.

Later that night, a few people arrived and it was my first time meeting them: Egypt, Greece (the two of them still got along at this time), and Twinkies. We all gathered in the kitchen to marvel at Sadiq's cooking skill. Hercules was very calm and distant, but he was covered in cats and I couldn't keep from petting them. He and Sadiq fought, but it was subtle comments. Gupta was serene, like a crystal clear pool, and stuck close to Twinkies. I thought she might be his sibling or some other country I had not yet been introduced to, so I attempted to speak to her. On first impression, Twinkies was rude, but Egypt explained that she was tired from traveling. She didn't do well with little sleep and was exhausted. He confessed that she was a little curt with new people, but he suspected that was because she was shy or because she just didn't want to be bothered. I observed her from afar, but she regarded me with a cold stare. She was short—even as she is now—and I still suspected that she might be young.

We've all been through our sorrows as growing countries. I asked Gupta who she was, suspecting that she was like me—a rising country. He revealed that she was nothing of the sort. She was an average girl, he said. I wondered how that was possible—some little girl hanging around with adult men? Was she a sex slave or something?

That was my mistake.

Twinkies became furious and raged at me. I wanted to slap her, she was being so rude, but Gupta stepped in between us and nudged her further down the kitchen counter.

"Still as vicious as ever, huh?" I was surprised to hear Sadiq laugh. I thought he might have been insulted that she had caused an uproar, but he was—dare I say—pleased with her. "It's been a long night, hasn't it?"

Twinkies flushed and ate her food ravenously. I was appalled with her lack of manners, and I assumed that they had not fed her in a while. Sadiq laughed again and explained that she had been a wild child when Egypt first found her. I asked when that was.

It was a little over two thousand years ago. She's so short, but so old, older than me. I was astonished.

It was sometime later when she and Hercules fell asleep by the hearth. That was when Egypt discussed her with me (during the longest speech I've ever heard come from him):

A long time ago, when Grandfather Rome had invaded his country after Cleopatra's death as well as Ancient Egypt's, Gupta was taken prisoner to leave his country defenseless. I've realized what happens now—the link between you and your economy: If you catch cold like Antonio did, then your economy slowly starts to cave in the worse you get, as it had in Antonio's case. Or, if you happen to fall into debt, that can also trigger severe illness and destroy you. Luckily, we've had no country collapse that way, but it was a possibility for Egypt.

It was the fortieth century and it seemed that Egypt was finally overpowered by the Romans. Gupta was furious; his mother had always warned him about Rome and the Gladiators and that they'd be coming to take away their land and lives. He had wanted a peaceful existence, and now he was doomed to be tortured whenever his people would revolt, like a ransom. He was left to die in a dirty cell until he wasted away and left his withering country at the mercy of your grandfather. Gupta held on as long as he could, but finally decided that he was going to sacrifice the last of his divinity to keep his country from falling completely under ruin, to preserve their courage and, eventually, help them gain their independence.

Before he could finalize his decision, a small girl peered through the grate between the ceiling and the west wall from the streets. She was dressed well, from a middle class family, but she was curious and sympathetic (one of her fair traits, Gupta says) and she told him she'd help him. She was Roman, she was young—nearly fourteen—and she knew who he was, that he was Egypt and her enemy, and yet she still risked her life to save him. She jumped in, crept by some guards, grabbed the keys, and broke Gupta out of his cell.

After decades of being kept from home, Gupta was finally free. He ran for the harbor and stole a merchant's boat, then later found Twinkies in the cabin eating the fresh fruit. She was unsatisfied with her family, which she had deserted several weeks beforehand, in Rome and wanted to see what Gutpa's country was like. He allowed her to accompany him and they made it to Egypt, though Gupta was suspicious of her intentions. Twinkies told him she'd always been searching for adventure, and she wanted to explore his country. They compromised; if she helped him deliver his people, then he would allow her to explore to her heart's content.

They began a rebellion and defended the country from Grandfather Rome. It was quite a feat, but finally, Egypt was no longer a prize for the Romans. The Roman generals and the Egyptians, including Gupta, met and signed a truce.

Now Egypt was mostly Egyptian again, except for that one little area of colonized Romans living in the south west of the country. Gupta spared them—he didn't say why—and liberated Twinkies from his company. It was several days later that she returned, claiming she was 'checking in.' Gupta asked her what that meant, and she explained that she felt she was bored and she looked up to him as her leader, so she felt it was necessary to check in every so often, to record her travels and visit him (he was still very weary and ill from war).

Gupta didn't know many countries at the time. He was all by himself. He didn't trust anyone; he was sitting on a land of gold and returning wealth, and he was cynical and suspicious. But this girl had shown him loyalty, something no outsider had ever revealed to their 'enemy,' and Gupta was grateful to her. Quickly, their relationship became important. He treated her like Antonio treated you; like family. He took her on tours of his country, spoiled her with valuables, and she didn't want to be anywhere else. I think that's how she became so selfish and slightly arrogant.

According to what Sadiq says, she was like a puppy dog when he first met Gupta. Sadiq had heard that Egypt was becoming a social country and he wanted to investigate since several other countries wanted to conquer the country for the gold and treasure, including himself. He visited and Gupta talked several times, though he was shy and quiet; the next day Twinkies suddenly returned and talked to Sadiq the entire day (she talks A LOT). I guess she had been teaching Gupta how to be more of an open person and less of a basement resident. Sadiq had one of his mercy moments and told Gupta what his earlier intentions were, but he'd changed his mind because Gupta and Twinkies reminded him of his relationship with his mother (she was still alive and well). He and Gupta became very close friends.

Gupta was Twinkies' guardian, exactly like you and Antonio, and she trusted him more than anyone. She would be gone for short periods of time, and then she would pop out of nowhere and follow Gupta around, reporting what was going on outside the palace boundary, about all her adventures and such, and she would talk his lonely days away.

She missed her family, so Gupta sent her back to visit them. She was gone for eight months, and Gupta was afraid that she might decide to live in Rome instead. But, she returned to him just in time to celebrate her nineteenth birthday.

You've heard about the Country Wish, right? Each country is granted one Wish that they may use whenever. Well, Gupta was selfish. I don't believe he was, but he still thinks he is. He wanted Twinkies to be by his side forever. She was the closest thing to family for him, now that his mother was gone and he didn't exactly like the other African countries. Gupta's always been a background sort of country; the one you hear often about but never meet or see in person. He was so quiet and sometimes awkward when being social, but Twinkies didn't care. She thought he was 'the bee's knees,' and was fascinated with his geography and culture. Everything about the area excited her and she has also claimed several times that she gets cold easily, so she liked the warm sun on her back. Gupta couldn't let that slip by. He said his mother had told him something once, when he was young, that there would be someone who was coming along to break him out of his shell so that he wouldn't turn into some kind of recluse who shuns and ignores everyone (I assume that's how he behaved as a child). He believed Twinkies was that person, the one who was going to whip him into shape so that he'd pay attention to the rest of the world. I don't think he would have made it as far as he did without her. Egypt would probably be a doormat and people would be walking all over him, tomb robbing and hijacking and bullying him. She taught him how to be 'cool.'

Maybe her selfishness had worn on him, Gupta said, but he knew what his Wish was. Twinkies was nearing twenty, and he'd be damned if he let her die by influenza, old age, or worse. He made his Wish: Twinkies would live as long as he did.

And so she has been. She didn't want to live forever and was upset at first, but then she found the finer side of immortality: Travel.

After a while, she started touring other continents and met some countries along the way. She didn't necessarily get along with many of them, but there were a few she could confide in. Japan is one of them. In the early 1200's, she had been kicked out of Mongolia for stealing some food and was on the run from Genghis Khan, whom she'd swiped a beer from, and a warrent. Yao found her by the Great Wall a few days before the Mongolians invaded and allowed her to stay in his country for a while, oblivious to what was coming. That's where she met his younger brother, Kiku, and they became friends.

After Twinkies departed for Nepal, the Mongolians invaded China. She and Yao have been enemies since.

Since she hadn't been to Italy since visiting her family, Twinkies went on expedition there around the late 1400's. She went to Rome and that was when she met Nicolla and your brother, a teen Chibitalia, and Ludwig. You were still in Antonio's household while all of this was going on, but Feliciano explained to her that Grandfather Rome had disappeared and no one knew where he'd gone. After the Roman generals signed the treaty, he had gone missing. Twinkies stayed in Italy for a while, getting to know the area again and marveling at how different it was now that Ludwig and Roderich had shaped it up. Then the Holy Roman Empire was forced to move out of Italy and your brother and Ludwig were torn up, but Twinkies had already left by the time that happened.

Backtracking here: Hercules was one of the first countries Twinkies befriended. When she first began exploring the Northern Hemisphere, Greece was the first place she'd landed. I suspect it had something to do with cats. She stayed for several weeks and continued head on into the Renaissance. Apparently, she hated that era. The people creeped her out with their crazy ideas and primal instincts at times, and seeing that all at once after a thousand years frightened her. She wrote an incredibly long letter to Gupta, describing this strange, new world, and clearly expressed her hesitance towards them and their hostility towards her; during those times, people of high class were very pale and fat, and Twinkies was neither. The aristocrats regarded her coldly and she was run out of several early countries, especially out of the more uncivilized ones. The one time she was ever actually terrified was when she had her first encounter with the early Philippines. He, as well as his people, attempted to skin her and bake her alive on a skewer over a fire. Australia (he was a sea captain at the time) found her with a noose around her neck as he was defending his beached ship from the cannibals on the island. He grabbed her, tossed her onto his ship, and they went on their merry way. He wasn't exactly a country at the time, but he was a rising star. He told her he wanted to explore the sea and they spent months on the Pacific until they came across Easter Island. Apparently, there were people living there. They were the early settlers there and they were actually very civilized and hospitable. Easter Island herself came out to meet the crew and Twinkies said she was 'gorgeous; lithe with long, long black hair and dark brown eyes covered by long eyelashes. She was very intelligent and superstitious, but she was also kind and helpful.' Before leaving the island, Easter Island and her spiritual crew preformed a ritual on Australia; they gave him a strange pendant that was supposed to keep them protected from evil spirits. I guess that's why the has been cursed by any magic, including curses from Arthur or Romania or Transylvania.

Anyway, after leaving Australia, Twinkies visited Sadiq some time later and they became allies (Sadiq had met her on that trip to Egypt), and a later after that in the 1400's after leaving Italy, she ran into England and he ran her out of his country into Spain because she was being obnoxious. She met Antonio and his siblings there, but England had it out for her because she'd taught Alfred the 'f' word and he tried invading Spain. Twinkies left and ran to a nearby fort on the outskirts of France, where she met Henrita Kirkland, who disliked her brother very much, and the two of them were bitter enemies in the beginning. However, after joining the Hundred Years War (apparently, she hadn't met Francis beforehand, and she didn't actually confront him until the late 1900's), she and Henrita went head to head and, as you know, Twinkies lost. However, Henrita spared her and they became closer.

Then she almost killed Prussia one fine day in 1865 while she was playing some croquet with children in Austria, and, of course, one of the reasons Gilbert invaded Roderich's country was because he'd gotten the notion Roderich had hit him with a steel ball. Roderich and Twinkies have never really gotten along, and the war in 1866 put strain on their relationship, and then they became more of enemies than friends after Twinkies abandoned him and decided to stay out of the war completely. Gilbert, however, thought she was awesome for throwing pine cones at Arthur when he joined Roderich in battle (she lied about the 'no sides' thing), and he and Twinkies became allies. I wonder if that would change if someone were to tell him she had been the one who'd hit him with the ball.

During some minor wars in Europe around the 1870's, a young Ivan came to explore the East. He almost crushed Twinkies with his carriage when she was escaping Hungary for deserting Austria when he needed assistance in the war. Twinkies and Hungary are now like sisters due to some major apologizing and lots of talking, but she and Russia are more of acquaintances than anything else; Russia is annoyed that she talks too much and Twinkies thinks he's weird, but is fascinated with his country, as well. After her apology, Twinkies fell into a river and came out in Switzerland. There, she met Vash and Lili. Vash was an ass at first and was about to shoot her dead, but Lili was sweet and kind as always and invited her to dinner. Though she loves to tease and humiliate Vash, the two of them are friends and she and Lilli get along very well, though Vash doesn't really regard her as a sister figure. Then she met my brother, who tried to murder her for 'infiltrating his country,' and met Denmark, who loves to talk as much as she does, and they became 'buddies.' Mathias introduced her to Sweden one night at dinner, and, surprisingly, the two of them got along well. Berwald isn't much of a talker and he can be an ass, but he listens very well; whether you notice it or not, he hears your every word. He and Mathias and Finland were curious about the Southern Hemisphere, where Twinkies had grown up, and she told them stories about Egypt and her adventures that had taken place over the last couple centuries.

The more countries that were created, the more curious Twinkies became, and she ended up leaving Egypt for nearly five hundred years (from around 1210 AD to 1705 AD) while she ran around on a wild turkey hunt. Gupta worried about her everyday, but she had always returned from her journeys with a smile and trinkets to give to him in the past, so his faith was sustained. They exchanged letters nearly every week and he was satisfied knowing Twinkies loved her hectic life. However, Gupta was still worried she would want to colonize somewhere else. She couldn't become a country, but she had the right to leave Egypt whenever she wanted, no one can stop anyone from leaving a place. But he's always been her favorite place, so she's always returned to him. Finally, she frolicked back to Gupta and, after several centuries, they were reunited. After you returned to Italy for good to reclaim the southern tip of the country after nursing Antonio back to health, Twinkies left Egypt again—sometime back in the early 1800's—and was finally able to meet you face to face. You remember that, don't you? I don't know the story behind that, but I do know that she probably thought you were a lot of fun to humiliate, so she decided to stick around. She moved there in the early 1900's, didn't she? But her heart's always been in Egypt.

Crazy, isn't it? That she's so old and no one knew. And I don't think she's changed over the course of 2,000 years. I still can't wrap my head around it; she's been around for a while, yes, but she...I guess she's like a fly, there one minute and gone the next. She's like a figment of imagination. She's been around for ages and the more modern countries didn't know about her and the older countries didn't actually remember her until World War 2. It's funny how that battle just sort of started it all; the Allies and Axis, the siding, the relationships, the friends made, the World Conferences. You meet old friends there, you know? Like you and Bulgaria; would you have ever remembered him if you hadn't seen him at the conference? Or Shinatty-chan? It's like you live in a bubble, then when a Conference comes around, you're excited because you get to revisit with old acquaintances and family and friends. I would have totally forgotten about Twinkies if it weren't for what Egypt told me about her, and I don't think the other countries would have ever remembered her if she hadn't come to pick Gupta up during the second Conference, the day it hailed, with an umbrella. In fact, I don't think Elizabeta knows who Twinkies is, that she was the apologetic girl she beat up all those years ago when she'd deserted Austria. I don't think half the countries really remember who she is, but they know she's familiar. Maybe that's a good thing, though. She didn't get along with many countries in the past, mostly because she was cocky with her secrets and the rising countries were under pressure and stress. She really loves to mess with people, and back then, they didn't take to being made a fool. It was a time of primal instincts and all Twinkies knew was fun and rainbows. Now, she has this second chance to make new friends, and she's been doing rather well, I must admit.

You and Twinkies are very similar. I know that's not what you want to hear, but you can't ignore the evidence. You're both so headstrong and direct and selfish, but you're also both very adamant and sympathetic and passionate about what you love. You were both forgotten by history for sometime and not very emphasized people. Most of the human population has no idea the two of you exist, and I don't mean that as an insult, really I don't; but usually, when people think of Italy, they think of the whole of Italy, not just one brother, and if they do, then they think of Feliciano. I'm sorry, now I feel like a jerk. But that's as much as I could scrap up on your neighbor. She's...strange, but, given her background, very interesting. Maybe you should talk to her about her past. You might try asking Egypt what he knows about your grandfather, by the way.

PSS: I made my Wish last night. I wished that you would find everlasting happiness. Oh, now I sound stupid...


	180. Dear Bella

**Dear Bella,**

Hey. Uh, so about that letter…I mean, yeah, we can start over. I didn't think you were serious at first, but, uh…I missed you, too. It's been a while since we've actually cooked or, uh, hung out, and I kind of miss that. A lot.

And yeah, yeah, whatever. You didn't need to apologize. That wasn't necessary, so, uh…yeah.

I feel sorry. There, I said it. I felt really horrible for all that's happened to you over the last couple centuries. It sucked, and I sucked, but I'm glad you're feeling better about it. I was worried about the whole wedding thing. Those bastards wanted me to wear a dress—probably that bastard's Twinkies' idea—but I ripped it to shreds and wore a tux instead. When I first saw you in the chapel, I was really unsure. You looked so lively and happy, and I haven't seen you that way in a long time. It kind of shocked me and, for a moment, I thought that you might have won Antonio back anyway. I was about to be a running bride, you bastard. You should have warned me ahead of time!

But yeah, I…I honestly felt horrible when I realized you were still…uh…kind of in love with Antonio. I was selfish, and I wanted him for myself whether you liked it or not, but that was wrong of me. I damned you to hell a couple times, too, and then I'd kick myself for it because I missed you and I thought we'd still have a chance to be the friends we used to be. You were always important to me, Bella.

There, I said it, dammit. You're never gonna hear any of this shit from me again, so don't get used to it, because it's just this once.

And then all that stuff about Twinkies…are you bullshitting me? What, is she an alien, too? The bastard sure as hell looks like one! But, damn, 2,000 years. That's a long ass time! What was she doing for those first thousand years—licking her ass? Are you sure it was 2,000 years in the first place?

Well, she was—what—fourteen in 40 BC? That would make her twenty in 46 BC, and then Gupta made some dumbass wish on keeping that bastard alive. If it weren't for her, none of the crap in my life wouldn't have happened!

…Dammit, I lied, it would have anyway. And she also made some good things happen, can't deny that…stupid bastard…

Anyway, there's no way she could be 2,000. I mean, have you seen her lately? She's got the mentality of a ten-year-old! That bastard can't be 2,000, there's no way. I'm gonna write a letter to that bastard.

And if all of that's true, then that means she's the cause for several brutal wars. The bastard! I knew there was something strange about her! I wish that damn Russia HAD crushed her! She deserves it! You don't wanna be friends with her, Bella, she's weird! I mean, she decided to move here to Italy JUST so that she could mess with me? What kind of bastard DOES that?! She's a fucking bastard, I tell you! And who the hell would wish for some random girl to live forever? That's a dumb wish!

And anyway, how the hell do you remember all of this? Like, the exact dates and everything? I remember you've always had a detailed memory, but I think you've outdone yourself this time, you damned bastard. She can't become a country though. Is that because she wasn't one in the first place? What the hell is the point of living forever if you've got nothing better to do than fucking travel? No wonder she knows a lot about Geography…and not a lot about math.

That clears up a lot, though. That makes sense. I just think it would suck to live forever if you don't really have a purpose to it. But that doesn't clear anything up against my damn grandpa—may that bastard not rest anywhere near peace—and it doesn't clear up anything about the Roman Empire during that time. Maybe I'll ask Egypt. The bastard probably killed grandpa in stone cold—

Wait a damn minute, I just had a thought—LUDWIG AND FELICIANO KISSED? THE HELL? WHY DIDN'T I KNOW THIS?!

When the hell was THAT? How the hell do they not KNOW that?! They don't know that, do they? The fuck—how do you not remember someone you KISSED? I remembered Antonio pretty fucking well after he kissed me! There's something wrong here—that damn Twinkies better not know about that! If she does, then to hell with her! She knows everything before I do, that damn—well, actually, I knew that those aliens were going to invade out planet. She said they were just looking for acorns.

I'm gonna speak to that damn potato bastard about this—and I'm not a background character! I'm a badass! But whatever, Twinkies is more background than I am if no one actually remembered her after 2,000 flipping years.

Yeah, yeah,

Lovino Var—I mean, Carriedo…feels so weird…

PS: Why the hell did you make a wish like that? That's ridiculous…


	181. Lying Bastard

**Dear Bastard Who Lied to Me About Basically Everything, You Bastard,**

So Bella told me something interesting. Yep, she sure as hell did. What the HELL is all this about you being 2,000 YEARS OLD!? When were you going to tell me, you bastard? Huh? When?!

I didn't know you were immortal! Well, I kind of knew, but I thought you were at most 200 years old! And I've been wondering how you could have stuck around for such a long ass time, and just now Bella wrote me a letter explaining that YOU are originally from ROME and YOU decided to skip out and go to EGYPT and THAT'S WHY YOU and EGYPT are so CLOSE. I'm fucking confused as all hell, and it's all your fault!

Why haven't you said anything? You're the reason Mongolia and China despise one another (not that I blame Mongolia), the reason Austria almost got his ass kicked by Prussia, and you're the bastard who invited Luxembourg to my wedding! I've always wondered how you knew each other, and I've always wondered how a bastard like you could know so much about geography, but this is fucking surreal! There's no way you could be that old, it just doesn't make sense! And why the hell would Egypt waste his Wish on YOU? He could have Wished himself out of the jail, or Wished for Ancient Egypt back, but he chose to Wish for you to 'live as long as he did?' I mean, I knew that Egypt's like a background character who isn't all that important unless you like ancient history, but what the fuck!

You just come out of nowhere, I think I know something about you, and then you get complicated, you bastard! Explain this to me because my head has shoved itself up its ass and I'm completely lost.

And what the hell happened to my grandpa, you sick bastard? You and Egypt ganged up on him, didn't you? And then you killed him! Well, we'll see who gets the last laugh HERE!

You suck!

Lovino Vargas

PS: Do you have a Wish? Or is that only for a country?


	182. The Bastard With the Truth

**Dear Guy Who's Taking Up My Inbox,**

Bella told you all that? Well, some of that's correct, but it's not really accurate. And—guess what!—you're right, I'm not 2,000 years old. Can you imagine how old I'd look if I were? I mean, damn! Who lives for 2,000 years besides Sadiq, Grandpa Rome (wherever the hell that guy went), and Gupta and a few others? All right, I'll tell you what happened. I've been thinking of writing a book about this lately, but I haven't given it much time, you know? But before I start, I swear to you that I've got NO IDEA where Rome went. No clue. He disappeared when the girls and Anton and I returned from the original universe. Are you ready because this is about to get crazy:

I'm not even 1,000 years old—I was born in a city called Marcia Della Morte, or the March of Death, in 1281; in our present world, this place is called Prague. I lived in a whole other universe, completely different from this one. I lived in the original universe, where morte was a daily thing, something no one could escape. This place was screwed.

Ancient Egypt had fallen in 30 BC and Rome took Gupta prisoner. After about ten years of torture, Gupta gave up his divinity to preserve Egypt and then turned human. Yeah, crazy, right? Grandpa Rome found him in that state and killed him—he wasn't going to be of use anymore. And then Egypt was completely conquered within the next couple years, but the way it was conquered was BRUTAL. They would bury people alive just because they were Egyptian, or decapitate the Egyptians just because it made them laugh.

The Romans were cruel. Soon, they were ambushing other countries and brutally murdering them, too. In no time the entire world was one big, brutal destruction ground and there was no escaping it. Rome had kind of overdone it. By a lot. And they even named their cities after battles and marches and, well, death. Morte. And lots of it. Holy shit, it was a scary time.

Countries that are here today would have never had a chance in that world. In fact, there weren't many countries in the other world, either; there was Rome, England, China, неся смерть (they were a group in Russia at the time; Bringing Death), and Israel. Israel, however, was in the middle of a war between Rome and England, who had taken over all of Europe at this point. Francis was just a jester now; Roderich was a soldier in Rome's army (I saw him a couple times making rounds around the Palace in Rome); Vash was an outcast just trying to stay alive (he came to my city one day, but was almost stoned to death for visiting); Luxembourg was furious with her brother, but she was just a countess; none of the present day countries were on pedestals besides the main ones I just listed. They were supposed to be countries, but they never would be.

Anyway, I left my parents one day. I was sick of living in the city; it was rancid with disease and death and there was a major lack of hygiene. I ranted to some people who were kicking a dog and the townspeople didn't like that. They already thought I was weird because I didn't want to go on raids with them and flame the other nearby villages, so this gave them an excuse to tie me to a pole and burn me alive. However, at the last minute, Grandfather Rome came by, back momentarily from the war over Israel. He said, "The English have taken prisoners and I need some people to be my trade."

Of course, with my luck, they chose me and chucked me in the back of a carriage, the bastards. They picked up some other girl—a whiny and seriously arrogant girl named Elizabeth—and dropped us off at the border of Europe—or should I say, England.

We were prisoners, but the captured Roman soldiers were handed back to Grandfather Rome, and they left. Elizabeth and I were locked away in cell blocks below the grand palace, completely at English mercy, and I know that sounds wrong, but this was a whole other world, so of course things were mixed up. There were two other girls who sat in a cell across from us—Henrita and Elizabeta. And then there was Romania, or Anton as we called him. When the English had conquered Transylvania, they had discovered Anton hiding in the cellar of Dracula's (or Vlad the Impaler) castle (the bastard was living there even before we knew it). The English had grabbed Anton and one of them beat him over the head with a club; he couldn't remember his name, age, or his favorite food. So Elizabeta suggested we call him Anton. I don't know why, I didnt' ask.

But they weren't countries there in that world. They were meant to be, but they had no divinity.

We were stowed away in…I guess you could call them the classier cells that had actual cots instead of hard, cold ground and we were fed four times a day instead of one. The food sucked, though, so what was the point?

Three days later, one of the guards tried to grab Elizabeth, so I knocked him out with a skyward uppercut and I think I broke his nose. Elizabeth and I escaped; we broke Elizabeta and Henrita and Anton out of their cages and ran—only to fall right back into the hands of other guards. We were escorted into the Royal Court Room, had a talk with Arthur, and I almost threw my shoe at him, so he gave us a death sentence and we were pushed out into the courtyard towards some nooses the assholes had set up in the center.

We were all going to die, along with two other girls named Hyung-Jae and Leing Chung—present day Vietnam—who were both being hanged for looking different. Right? Now they were sexist AND racist. That's what the world was coming to.

We had the nooses tied around our neck and had to count to three in front of all the people in the square before we were hung. I was terrified and felt humiliated; I mean, who counts to their own death? But then, at the last minute, Henrita shouted something Latin and we went hurtling through into some wormhole. I can't explain it—all my surroundings were electric blue and it was so bright my eyes hurt, so I closed them. I opened them, and I was in a flower patch, something I had never seen before.

We were in Classical Rome.

Everybody started freaking out a bit, so Henrita explained that she knew some of the spells in her brother's spell book and had memorized a time traveling spell. She knew all about her brother's black magic and decided to use it to change the past. We were going to rescue Gupta from the Romans and help him rescue Egypt.

Yeah, I doubted it, too. I didn't even know there were countries in my presence; I thought they were average girls like me and Elizabeth and Hyung-Jae. I had no idea who they actually were. I wasn't going to until way later.

Anyway, we split up and began searching for Gupta. I knew the general area from trade trips with my dad, so I thought I'd check around the palace. Except it wasn't there; it was the council's court. As I was running past one of the houses, I saw some scholars trying to figure out how to manufacture a mirror for the war again Egypt. That's when I noticed how grimy and dirty I was. I looked like a freaking beggar off the street. I don't think I've ever looked so dirty! I was really embarrassed about it, so I hurried to find Gupta—I was desperate for a bath or something.

I circled the court house, but there were no cells there. I was about to give up and go look somewhere else when I noticed a grate. I crouched and looked inside—and that was the first time I saw Egypt. He was so young and frail and dirtier than I was. I could tell it was him because he had an anklet and I'd heard that only the Egyptians wore those. We didn't really wear any jewelry in the future. I didn't feel bad for looking gross anymore, but I did pity him for looking worse than I did.

So I asked him if he was Gupta and, after a while of coaxing him to confirm my suspicion for me, I snuck into the courthouse, into the cellar, and crept past the sleeping guards. I grabbed the keys from one of them and broke Gupta out of his cell.

He didn't even thank me—he just brushed past me and ran out. It was close to midnight at this point; there weren't many people on the street, so I tackled him. We argued about that for a couple minutes and I asked him where the hell he was going. He got all pissy about it and told me he was going back to Egypt—where else?

I knew that but I was wondering how. He didn't answer me, he just got up and sprinted off. I was desperate now—I just saved that ass and he had run off. I wanted to find the others, but I had no clue where they were. Rome was huge, even back in the Classical Age. I ran everywhere looking for that bastard and almost ran over Hyung-Jae. I kind of just gestured to her frantically about Gupta and she got the drift. She hurtled off to tell the others while I raced to the harbor. It was the last place I could think to go; he wanted to go to Egypt, so might as well try it.

And I was right! He was knocking out some merchants by their ship. He is a badass when he fights, not even kidding. You should have seen him. He was fuckin AWESOME. But he was going to get away, so I stowed myself away in the hull while Gupta fought off the captain. There were forty-three boxes in there, filled with grapes, wine, and peaches, so I did what anyone else would—I ate everything. I didn't even realize we were sailing until the boat rocked and a box slid off of one of the shelves and bonked me on the head. I yelled, and Gupta emerged from the stairwell.

I was a little drunk, so I smiled and said, "I'm drunk."

Again, we argued and I persuaded him to take me with him to his country. He didn't trust me because he hated Romans, and that included me. I told him there were others who were willing to help—people who were friends (I use that term loosely)—and I swore I'd help him liberate himself from Rome if he took me with him.

Well, no, I basically told him I'd always wanted to explore Egypt and I wanted to check his place out. He wanted support to rescue his people. So, we compromised: I would be quiet and help him save his people, and he wouldn't kill me.

We reached Egypt after two days. In the meantime, we talked and got to know each other better. I knew his mom died from the history I remembered and he asked me about my own family. I told them that, in my world—I actually said 'home' because I hadn't yet told him I was from the future—families weren't really family, they were just people who knew each other. No one was close or liked; parents did their own thing and kids did theirs. In other words, I didn't exactly have a family. Neither did he.

When we landed in Egypt, Gupta suggested we visit an old friend of his. There was a guy who was under Grandpa Rome (some smiley advocate of his) and he was the one we had to defeat before Egypt could be free again. I kind of just followed Gupta the entire way. We found the old friend who actually turned out to be a badass and seriously pissed off high priest. A few short hours later, the others found me after escaping Rome and making it to Egypt. They weren't really upset that I'd left them there; they were more curious about Gupta than wasting their time with me. Over the course of a couple weeks, we went out to find other loyals, and pretty much defeated the Romans from the inside. There were a couple riots for distraction, there were some big shebangs, then a group of us confronted the bad guy and beat the shit out of him. Then we tossed that bastard into jail.

Rome had lost all control of the Egyptians and Grandpa Rome couldn't do anything about it; behind his back, the Roman soldiers surrendered to us and Gupta agreed to sign a truce. He still kept a ton of guards around, just in case. He didn't believe Grandpa Rome would stick to the honor of the treaty.

After that, Gupta released me and the others from his company. At the time, I didn't really care. He and I didn't really see eye to eye and I didn't want to. He was fun to argue with and fun to piss off, but that was the extent of my feelings towards him.

Anyway, the original plan was to save Gupta and book it back to our century, but we decided we'd rather hang out for a while. Now that the revolution was over, we had time to kick back and relax. We just sort of toured around for a few days, talking to people and stuff. The people were really stoked we had helped them and they gave us gifts and gold and things. Their clothing was…weird, but they were awesome and very passionate about their leader. They said they'd do anything for Gupta, and that's when I realized why Gupta hadn't trusted me or the others as much.

While we were out, I overheard a conversation in one of the bars: there was going to be an ambush on Gupta; the Roman soldiers were going to Gupta's banquet incognito, someone would spike his wine or poison him, then the Romans would attack. They laughed about it, as if it were just a joke, but I was worried. I was back in Egypt the next morning. I'd heard that Gupta was still sick from the war and from the torture, so I went to see him, to check on him. He was bemused that I had returned and asked why.

"I'm checking in," I said. "I wanted to see how you were doing. Plus, I just got bored."

He let his guard down and let me sit with him all day. I told him about the adventures the others and I were having and about how Elizabeth had a crush on him. He looked at me and just shrugged. My chest hurt a little. I wanted to tell him about the future. I mean REALLY wanted. But how would he take it? I didn't think he'd believe me. I thought he'd kick me out or something for trying to rub that shit over his eyes. And I was worried—you know, what if the future didn't change? What if it still sucked? I told him I was afraid that the world would become destructive, but he told me not to worry. One day, he said, he'd learn to forgive the Romans for what they'd done.

Because he knew that not all Romans were bad.

He'd make baby steps and was optimistic about the future. After he'd forgiven the Romans, then he'd work onto Grandpa Rome. One day, he promised, because, by that time, the past would be the past and that was all it was. Once he could, he said that he wanted to built a great library to remind him of what he'd accomplished. He also told me that he'd decided to hold a banquet to celebrate his liberation—and Sadiq and his mother were going to visit him. He was cynical; they were after his land for sure. The war had inflicted some damage on him and now that he was weak, they were probably going to strike.

Can you believe that? Gupta and Sadiq are BEST FRIENDS in the future, and there they were ready to duke it out.

The others returned to Thebes later that night for dinner. They were a little pissed that I'd just run off, but I reassured them that I was just checking on Gupta. Elizabeth didn't like that, and neither did Romania; he flirted with Gupta the entire next day, but it didn't take long to figure out he was screwing around because he got a kick out of it. Elizabeth still tried to slap him, though.

Gupta let us bunk at the palace that night, and while we jumped into our beds, I contemplated telling them about what I'd heard at the bar. I told them anyway, but they dismissed me. They thought it was all fantasy, just rumors.

The next day, things started to get…weird. The guards around the palace didn't say a word to me or anyone else from what I saw. I can't really explain it, but there was something strange in the atmosphere. There were some men who were harbored at the wharf. They kept their heads hung and they fidgeted and messed with their tunics. The banquet was happening that night, though, so I was kept in high spirits and no one seemed to notice what was really going on.

During speeches way later that night, the Egyptians were applauding me and the others for saving them and Henrita had had enough of it. She stood and bluntly began to explain about who we were and where we'd come from and why he needed to make sure the country was never captured again. Gupta didn't believe her at first, but Henrita was a real history nerd and she practically explained his whole life story, even the things we weren't supposed to know, and revealed his secrets to everyone.

I didn't think he'd care, but he was pissed. He started yelling about how we'd lied to him and how we really were outsiders. He basically kicked us out of Egypt.

As we were escorted outside the premises, we all started screaming and yelling at each other, pissed that Henrita hadn't spared his humanity and had let some things slide to everyone. She was being a bitch, so I punched her. Then she punched me, and I punched her, and everybody turned around and punched the guards. I began explaining to everyone who hadn't heard the battle plan that we were going to fit ourselves into their cloths and rescue Gupta—again.

We crept back into the palace and I was able to stop Gupta before he drank his wine. Then all hell broke loose. The Romans ripped off their cloths—wait!—to reveal their Roman uniforms below, shouted something random, and proceeded to take the Egyptians hostage. After they'd tied the majority up, Grandpa Rome waltzed in with a smile.

"Well, well, well," he said, "it seems I have the upper hand once more. I thought you might have learned, Gupta, about the truth of us Romans: We never abandon a goal."

"You signed a treaty!" Gupta exclaimed. "But I should have known I couldn't trust you."

"That was without my knowing," Grandpa Rome said. "Those who were involved were dealt with. They aren't a part of my colony anymore." He looked so damn smug. "Now I'm going to enjoy adding you to my collection. And you won't be escaping this time, Egypt."

Gupta was having none of that. He broke away from the guards who had him, prepared to strike, but the smiley advocate knocked him out with a beer bottle. As he and some of he soldiers dragged Gupta away, Grandpa Rome explained the plan to us: We were going to be shipped back to Rome to be servants and trade to the English. I was super mega ultra pissed. I was going to punch someone before the day was over, I swore that on my life. I grabbed a plate from the table and hid it in the front of my dress before being pulled downstairs to the jail.

Henrita and Elizabeta were the only two who were still awake besides me. We sat up all night in one of the cells while the Romans butchered more Egyptians, waiting to know what they were going to do to with the rest of us. I could hear the screams and shouts of pain through the stone walls. Grandpa Rome had Gupta and I was furious. I'd been busting my ass just to get him to trust me and now not only did he hate me, he was probably going to die again. And I…I felt bad. I used to be so high-and-mighty and I was so selfish before and just now I was realizing how important it was to watch out for others. He and I hated each other until just recently, we had just become friends, we were finally learning how to talk to one another, and I had basically screwed Gupta over. I had let him down, and I felt like an asshole.

Henrita said we had one shot to get it right. Elizabeta was every bit as pissed as I was and she wondered why that was. The time spell could only be produced once per person. Elizabeta insisted that she could cast it for some time back, but Henrita said it wasn't possible. She couldn't remember the spell, and even if she did we needed fire and garlic to make it work. Romania had some garlic from the banquet, but he didn't tell us that at first. He woke up and was determined to save Gupta with or without Henrita. I let them argue about that; I was too anxious to fight. We were going to do it one way or another.

Morning came quickly and so did the guards. They were going to kill us all in the square, like the English had tried to do in the future. And Gupta was going to watch and know that there was no hope for him.

We were lined up for stakings in front of cheering Roman soldiers and brutally injured Egyptians. Gupta was led outside the palace onto the balcony to watch. He looked so feeble and tired and sick. He was pale and slouched slightly forward. Grandpa Rome and his smiling advocate were standing up there beside him, and that smiley sicko constantly had his hand on Gupta's shoulder. Grandpa Rome stepped forward and announced the start of the ceremony. I was sweating.

Then, when I couldn't take the tension anymore, some of the people in the crowd stepped forward and ripped off their cloths, too—revealing their Ottoman Empire amazingness. And that was the first time I ever set eyes on Sadiq as he pulled off his executioner's tunic and sliced the other executioner in the stomach. He and Grandpa Rome exchanged some cliché but awesome words, and Grandpa Rome lost his nerve and retreated back into the palace with his side kick and Gupta as all hell broke loose for the second time in a few hours.

The Third Battle of Egypt was on.

I kicked one of the officers nearby and jumped him for his sword, then rushed to the palace with some of Sadiq's men and Romania to rescue Gupta. We DESTROYED the guards guarding outside and in like Call of Duty or some shit and the guys split up; half would stay in the foyer to finish off the retreating or persistent Romans while the other half helped Romania and I upstairs with Grandpa Rome.

We were separated, though, on the fifth floor. There were two more to go, but these Roman soldiers came out of nowhere and boxed us. One of the Turkeys (I'll call them that for now since they technically were Turkish and it's funny referring to them that way like a turkey or something) soldiers pushed Anton and I out a window. We landed on a ledge and discovered a couple holes and bumps in the wall large enough for us to fit our feet into and climb to the top. The balcony Gupta had been standing on was just below us on our left, and I could see the Roman soldiers from the fifth floor cornered out there by the Turkeys. Anton was almost knocked off the sill by one of the bad guys just as we were about to climb up. He regained balance, though, and climbed quickly.

It took a damn long time (probably five to ten minutes, but it felt like longer), but Anton and I made it to the seventh floor. We crawled into a window and I sat on the floor. I thought my legs were going to break! Looking around, we had made it into an upper hallway embellished with gold and jewels and hieroglyphics. Anton pulled me to my feet and dragged me to a large double-door just behind us. We peeked through the crack, just to see what we were up against.

Inside, we found two soldiers, the smiley advocate, Gupta and Grandpa Rome. Gupta was seated on one of the benches in the center of the room. Grandpa Rome was pacing around him, trying to come up with a quick plan to save his ass. Gupta told him he was kidding himself and Grandpa Rome's face flushed.

"Don't worry, my king," the smiley advocate said. "We're going to be fine—we just have to return the young Egypt to his people."

Grandpa Rome did NOT like that.

He punched the advocate out the window and that dude was fucked up by the curb. Then some lady emerged from the corner of my eye. She was old and wizened and incredibly ugly. She was some kind of witch lady who had the power to steal a country's divinity.

Yeah, they were going to drain Gupta and make him human. Then they were going to kill him.

Just before they could start their crappy ritual, Anton and I busted through the doors and yelled something random like the Romans had at the banquet: "HAZAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

They were totally taken off guard, and Anton jumped one of the soldiers and took his ass to the GROUND. The other soldier came at me, but I banged the shit out of his face with the hilt of my stolen sword and knocked him out cold. When I looked up, Grandpa Rome had a blade pressed against Gupta's neck. He had jumped to his feet when we'd intruded, but Grandpa Rome had fast reflexes and he'd caught him by the shoulder.

"Put down your swords," Grandpa Rome demanded. "Now. Egelic, begin the ritual." And the bitch started chanting.

Gupta's lids drooped half mast and his legs wobbled as if he were going to faint but wanted to stand strong for as long as possible. His emerald eyes were glowing—I swear to God they were—and his lips were slightly parted. It looked like he couldn't get enough air to breathe. But he gave me that look that said, do it, kill us both.

I sure as hell was NOT going to surrender to that schmuck. Not when I'd gotten this far—to hell with that!

I withdrew the plate from my chemise and chucked it at Grandpa Rome's arm. It shattered—I think it might have left a gash—and he reeled back and yelped. The witch lady stopped chanting and gaped at him. Gupta was on his ass in a minute, he took his ass DOWN to FUNKY TOWN—he turned and kicked Grandpa Rome's ankle and then Gupta cracked down and elbowed his chest, pinning him to the ground with the blade from before at his throat. Anton restrained the witch and socked her in the side of the head the second she resumed her stupid chanting. Anton is an asshole, but he's such a badass.

I know that Grandpa Rome was a real jackass and I didn't have any right getting in the way, but I didn't want Gupta to kill him. Not Gupta, and not like that. I suggested that he should lock him up and figure out how to deal with him later. He was a country, after all, and everyone kind of deserves some kind of chance to redeem themselves. Gupta thought that was bullshit and Anton agreed with him.

Stupid Anton! Who needs his ass, anyway?

Grandpa Rome didn't say anything. Not a word. I thought he was going to either beg for his life or somehow fight off Gupta and beat the hell out of him, but he didn't move. His eyes were a little glazed and crossed, but I assumed he was just furious that he'd lost.

Carefully, I walked to Gupta and sat down beside him. "It's been a sucky day, hasn't it?"

Gupta watched me out of the corner of his eye warily. He finally, reluctantly, eased up and sat back on his bottom. He still held the blade close to Grandpa Rome's neck for precaution. "I think he knows it's over."

"That's good," I said. I was so stressed out from my recent misadventures, so exhausted, but stoked to have triumphed again. In fact, I was so elated I hugged Gupta's arm. I was so relieved to know he was all right, that I hadn't lost him. He looked questioningly at me, but all I could do was laugh. I couldn't answer him in words. His arm coiled around my waist and he leaned against me as I leaned against him, grateful for his warmth and just grateful for him in general.

"I hope it's over for good now," Anton grumbled. "Maybe now the future can be repairable."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Gupta wondered. "Did you not trust me?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. I guess I thought you'd think I was crazy." I took a deep breath and felt some asthma coming on. "It was wrong not to tell you. I'm sorry."

Gupta stared at me another moment before replying vehemently: "I am, too, for saying what I did at the banquet. It was unnecessary. It was cruel. I was wrong, very wrong, and I apologize entirely."

I'll just go ahead and admit I said this: "I don't care anymore. I was so worried. I was so worried that you'd be...I don't know what I would have done if you had…bit the dust."

And he smiled. The son-of-a-bitch smiled. "I am also glad you are not injured. I have everything to be grateful for because of you. It is just as my mother told me when I was young—someone would be coming along to change me. Thank you, both of you, and your friends. I owe it all to you."

"You're welcome," I whispered shyly. It hadn't been that long—just a month or two—but I was already strung on this guy. "I was about to jump out that window just a couple seconds ago."

"Were you scared?" Anton laughed. "Coz I sure as hell was!"

"I think I pissed my pants," one of the Roman soldiers murmured.

Some Turkeys filed into the room a minute later. Sadiq pushed through the small group. He had removed his mask, but I could see a jagged end of it sticking out of his shirt. I guess it got shredded. But he saw Gupta and Romania and I huddled together beside Grandpa Rome and laughed.

"You really aren't as pathetic as I thought!" He boomed zealously. "Yo, dude, you're a pretty badass country for doing all this! Your mom's—what—dead—" Gupta glowered. "—and you did this all by yourself."

"I helped, you bastard," Anton snapped.

Gupta nodded. "They both did." He looked at me again and his eyes blazed. "They saved my life. And my people's. I can't express my gratitude. I am only grieved because they will be departing sometime soon…"

God, I'll admit it, fine—I couldn't look away. In just a little over a month, we'd become close. Like family. And so had Anton and Elizabeta and Leing and Hyung (even though I couldn't understand a ducking thing she said) and Liz and Henrita (kind of for the two latter ones; Elizabeth was after Gupta's body and gold and Henrita and I didn't really see eye to eye then). He was my other half, I could just feel it.

"You know," Sadiq said, "you two guys remind me of my mother and me."

"How?" Romania asked.

"I meant the lady and the dude," Sadiq said. "The two of them are really somethin' aren't they?"

"What?" I blurted, confused and a little sheepish.

Sadiq chuckled and walked up to us, stopping before Gupta and poking him on the forehead. "You remind me of myself: Young, determined, strong, totally badass, and utterly strong." Gupta relaxed, but watched Sadiq with a glint of amusement in his warm eyes. "And your girl is kinda cute."

"Yeah, thanks," I muttered. "Come see me when I don't look like I just finished my tenth tour of the Apocalypse, you dick."

Sadiq laughed again and patted my head. "You've got spunk, kid. That's a good thing to have."

"I'm not a kid!" I shouted.

But Sadiq was focused on Anton now. He bumped his shoulder with his leg. "You're a good guy for sticking around."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Anton hissed.

Sadiq smiled. "You could have just ditched everyone, but you stuck around. You've got my approval, kiddo."

Anton blushed. He'd told me once he was unwanted in his family—they couldn't stand the sight of him. I guess he'd never had someone tell him he'd done good. He was so selfish like me before all of this. He was mean and grouchy and was always looking for a fight. I think he was just broken inside. He was a lonely child inside an injured teenager. He was just looking for acceptance, for someone who liked him for being him. Of course, later, when he actually became Romania, he was transformed into a vampire by Dracula, but this was before all that.

So Sadiq confessed that he had been planning to invade Gupta's country in the beginning, but he now held a new found respect for Egypt and wanted to become allies. Gupta accepted hesitantly and Sadiq bro-hugged him. Anton began to stand, but his store of garlic fell out of his pocket.

That's when the room started to quiver.

I happened to catch a glance of my arm and to my horror it was fading. Anton was disappearing, too, and I knew it was either all the stress or the time travel spell. The Turkeys jumped and started yelling things. Sadiq whirled just as Anton's legs faded away. Gupta was on his knees next to me in a second, his eyes wide and confused.

"Dammit, Henrita!" Anton shouted. "Not now!"

"What the hell is going on?" Sadiq exclaimed.

"What is happening, tell me!" Gutpa cried, catching my elbow in a tight grip.

"Ah, it's the spell," I said ruefully. "I have to go back to my own time." Anton had the garlic and the city was probably blazing with fire somewhere. Henrita had finally remembered the spell, it seemed.

Gupta's face fell and I wanted to cry. I hate saying goodbye. Always have and always will. I'm just not emotionally strong enough to withstand it like some people can. I felt like I was leaving home—my home.

"Don't go," Gupta pleaded. "Please, don't go!"

"I'm sorry," I apologized, and that was the only reply I could think up. What he had said wasn't exactly a question, but it was something like that in a sense. "I'll find you someday. Or you'll find me. Whichever happens first."

And then I was gone. Or he was gone. I don't know which. I guess I was; the room was still there, but then I couldn't see anything except the ground. There were dim lights of electric blue and it gradually grew brighter until my eyes watered. But I couldn't close my eyes.

Suddenly—I don't know when it happened—I fell from the sky and landed in a crystal clear river. I clambered out, soaked to the bone, and almost fainted dead away. Everything was so lovely; there were hills covered by grass and flowers, the sky was cloudless, the sun was bright and warm, and there were sheep scattered across the plains. It felt so good just to be soaked in river water, but I had to get the lead out and figure out what was going on. I had my suspicions that this was my new future—the world we live in now—but I didn't want to give my hopes up.

I ran a mile or so before I finally reached present day Prague. The people were happy and the houses were beautiful—there was no destruction! I couldn't believe it! I might have even started crying but I was so relived and so incredibly happy I couldn't even feel my legs. The kids I had yelled at in the past for kicking the dog were now playing ball with it and they smiled and greeted me when they saw me. The villagers ran out to meet me, concerned with how beat up I looked. They didn't seem to remember or know who I was, but they treated me with impeccable hospitality anyway. They led me to one of the houses and cleaned me up. One of the motherly ladies gave me a dress to wear and I wore it appreciatively, even though it was three sizes too big. I searched for my parents, but the people were completely different from the past; they weren't there, but I didn't care. I didn't need them.

I passed a mirror and glanced at myself. I looked so scrawny and weak, but I didn't care. I was just so relieved. The residents all invited me to dine with them that night at a weekly banquet they held and I cried. They were so nice! Holy shit, I can't even explain how I felt! I was just so, so…joyful. And lucky, God was I lucky!

The countries that had been oblique in the past were now growing and strong. I was surprised to hear that Elizabeta was a country! I knew that Henrita must have been one, also, and Francis had become France, and Roderich had become Austria, and Vash had become Switzerland, and Gilbert became Prussia, and Anton had become Romania. I didn't even know how they did that, but I didn't care because I knew we were all going to be happy. We'd gotten a happily-ever-after.

One of the ladies let me bunk at her home. Her husband was a merchant and she mentioned that he would be traveling to Rome the next morning. I jumped on the chance to go and he swore he'd take me with him. I had to see Rome again, just to confirm that I wasn't just dreaming. I felt so dazed the next morning, but I was still chugging on with the wonder of living peacefully and the joy that came with it. I knew that I was going to see them again someday, so what was the rush in seeing them right that moment?

But I had to see Gupta again. I had to know if he remembered me or not.

Rome was gorgeous, even more beautiful that in was before. It was amazing. It was beautiful, again, yeah. It was like nothing I'd ever seen: towering but inviting stone buildings, some of them drawn on by paint or chalk; the people milled about the market square, their dresses and tunics flowing in the wind; the sea was noticeable from far away it was so bright and calming and serene. It sparkled like wine and diamonds and lit up the boats with cyan highlights. Every window sill was covered—and I mean covered—in flowers and ivy. The courthouse was now a school and scholars old and young and tall and small and fat and lithe strolled around in the warm sunlight, smiling and laughing and telling each other jokes. There were cafés everywhere and the strong scent of fresh baked bread overwhelmed me. I started crying again…shut up.

The merchant gave me some gold to spend. I refused it, but he shoved it into my hands anyway. "Buy something nice," he told me.

I warned him that he might not see me for a long time—I was going to be traveling around. He smiled and wished me the best of luck. Nice guy. Should have high-fived him.

I ran to the dock and was mesmerized by the sea for a bit. When I finally caught my bearings, I searched for someone who would be willing to sail me to Egypt. It wasn't hard; there were many merchants and other travelers who were excited to adventure out and start their own journeys. They were willing to take me with them—hell yeah, these people rocked—and I was off to Egypt in no time.

The second they set up the boardwalk in Alexandria, I was sprinting off towards Thebes. Then I realized I couldn't actually run that far, so I decided to scope out another ride.

And then I ran into him. No, I literally ran into him as I was passing the school of Alexandria and bulldozed him. There were all these people standing around—friends, countrymen, attention whores—and they gasped as if they'd just watched a serious crime being committed. I rolled off of Gupta and stood sheepishly. He stood, too, and his eyes were wider than I've ever seen them.

"Nicola?" He gasped.

"I'm checking in," I replied. I know, I know, it was stupid and cliché, but I couldn't help it. I felt like that's what I needed to say.

We smiled at each other and he told the small crowd to finish some scrolls or whatever and announced that we were going for a walk. He wanted me to see his completed library—the Library of Alexandria. I remember being told he had an idea for something like that, but I hadn't known it was going to end up so awesomely fantastic! There were more scholars sitting outside on the steps contemplating life and philosophy and religion and they greeted me shyly. Inside, it was huge. There were tons and tons and tons of bookshelves and scrolls and there were several librarians climbing ladders and makeshift box-ladders to reach some of the papers and books on the top shelves. There were stair wells that climbed up the inside of the building on three sides and there were so many floors I couldn't even count them all.

And then Gupta hugged me. He HUGGED me.

"I've missed you so desperately," he murmured, pulling away. "I was so afraid that I'd never see you again. I've dreamt about this day for years, decades, centuries. I never actually thought I would meet you again, but I hoped." He began laughing. "This is incredible. It's a miracle! This is something of great significance, you can't imagine how great."

"Well, here I am," I exclaimed vivaciously. I probably looked like an idiot I was grinning so widely. "I just got back from the past, like, four days ago. I was so, so, so excited, I can't even tell you, but I wanted to see you again. I wanted to know if you'd remember me or not!"

"Did I ever tell you about a Country Wish?" He asked suddenly. I said I hadn't and he explained it to me—one Wish per country. "I made my Wish…I was afraid I would never set eyes on you again. You are the only family I have and I could not let you go to waste. Forgive me, but I Wished that you would live as long as I do."

I was stunned. I was going to live for freaking ever and I had just now found out, four days after arriving back in my own time, by the same guy who made the Wish. This was so weird. "Gupta, wh—why did you—"

"Forgive me," he sputtered. He rambled about how awful he felt for it—he was so selfish and he knew that I wouldn't want it, but he just couldn't let me go. He was so lonely an he wanted someone to be with him. He couldn't stand to be alone. "Didn't you also say it was your dream to travel the world?"

"Yeah, but ffffffffffuck!" I exclaimed. I was astonished because I didn't actually mind that he had made that Wish. In fact, I was sort of excited. I mean, what was there to lose? I took a long, deep breath to steady myself, and forced out, "Actually, you know what, never mind, I'm good with that."

"A-are you sure?" He stammered. "You were just…"

I shook my head. "No, never mind. It caught me off guard—it's good, though. I don't know anyone really. I don't have any friends yet in this new world, so you wanna be my plus one?"

He examined me. I don't think he believed I was all right with it at first. Then, he slowly began to smile. "Yes. I would like that. And you may travel to your heart's content."

And we've been pals since. Of course, I went to find the others eventually.

I found Elizabeth first, just outside of Prague. She was legally married to a sheep (somehow that happened when we time traveled) and she was pretty pissed off about it (serves her right). I found Anton next—he had been bitten by Dracula and was exhilarated that he could finally be the country he'd always wanted to be. Then I found Hyung; she was preparing a revolution against the Mongolians. I went to search great China for Leing and swiped some food on my way and next thing I know the entire Mongolian population was trying to kill me—all I took were some peaches, Jesus! They chased me all the way to China, but I hid between the Wall from them and they retreated. Yao found me and brought me into his home—that's where I met Kiku and found Leing—and I left a few days later.

Then Genghis Khan attacked China with a warrant for me and neither Mongolia nor Yao have liked me since. In fact, they hate my guts. But I don't care, they're losers anyway.

Later, I found Henrita (during a war and no she didn't kick my ass! She just...let me off the hook; we became friends) and then I returned to Egypt for a while. Then I left again to search for Elizabeta after several centuries had passed. I got dragged into the Prussian-Austrian war and I ditched Roderich—Elizabeta found me and beat the shit out of me with her frying pan. God, has she got an arm on her! I almost died! I apologized profusely and she finally relaxed and let me go. She was a little peeved that I'd spent my time looking for everyone else instead of looking for her. She's just as selfish as I am, that stupid psycho. But I can't help but like her; she's awesome.

So, that's basically it. Maybe I'll explain it in better detail some other time, but this letter has taken up about 47 pages so far and I'm running out of paper. I don't know what happened to Grandpa Rome, though. He was gone by the time I got back to Italy. Hercules was the first one who told me he was gone, missing, but he didn't know anything about it. You could ask Egypt, I guess, but I don't think he knows anything, either. We didn't really talk about Grandpa Rome. He was taken to the jail, but he vanished. They don't know how, but he's long gone.

Hope you find him, though. I've learned to forgive him. Gupta has, too, but it wasn't as easy for him. But, you know.

I feel better these days knowing that I have friends again, and more than before! And you guys aren't just one-time friends. We're all in the same position, living forever, so we can't just forget about one another. It's nice because now I'll never have to say goodbye to you guys and wonder if I'm ever going to see you again. I don't have to worry about you guys getting sick and dying off or being beheaded or anything like that. I'm grateful that I get to hang around with you guys—I mean, what would you all do without me? I'm fucking awesome!

I'm not an important figure in history. In fact, I'm not even a figure in that sense. I can't become a country and I don't get a Wish or anything like that. I don't have an awesome staff that can stop enemies from crossing a bridge or a wizard hat or any super powers—at least, nothing that I know of. I'm just a bill on Capitol Hill, you know? But I feel...important. Don't ask me why, but I just feel so...alive! Maybe it's my ADD, I don't know. I just feel awesome lately! So thanks, Lovino, for attempting to put up with me. I kind of want to hung you right now; you sent me a letter! And you sounded so concerned, too! Could it be we're establishing a friendship here?

Also, if you and Bella are friends now, then let's make a pact. You stop yelling at me all the damn time and I'll try not to eat your avocados. Deal? Cool.

Say hi to Antonio for me!

Twinkies

PS: I've known your name, now you know mine. We're even, so LET ME SLEEP, you DICK. This took a hell of a lot of stamina out of me—it's four o'clock in the morning now! Jesus, you really take up time!

PPS: Have you seen Arthur's blog lately? He has a cat and he's scared of it...that loser.

***Not affiliated with the name in any way, shape or form. Just sayin'. C:***


	183. Screwed Up Bastard

**Dear Screwed Up Bastard,**

You…I don't care about you! Like I would, you stupid bastard! You're a freak of nature! And what friends? The only ones I see are Japan, Turkey, America, Egypt, and Luxembourg! England hates you, China and Mongolia hate you, Austria hates you, Mexico hates you, Nepal hates you, The Netherlands and France hate you, and don't forget about yours truly! I think you're the most annoying son-of-a-bitch I've ever met!

…Dammit, that's just not true. I…I respect you. I wouldn't have joined in all those wars. I wouldn't have fought against my grandpa. I don't think we could—we're related. But I don't really like him anyway—I was supposed to be the original Italy, and that bastard fucked it up for me. But that's kind of a cool story. If it's even true, and I don't think I believe you.

And yeah, Bella and I…we've made up. I decided to wing it, like you always say, and be her friend again. We have a lot of good memories together. Lots of them. And she's been talking to Turkey a lot more lately.

And, dammit, if you don't know anything about Grandpa, then I guess I'm gonna have to ask that stupid Egyptian bastard. I don't really want to. I don't think I even WANT to know what happened to that Roman asshole. He came to see Feliciano, though. It was back during the war. Feliciano says he's lost his memory, but my fratello is an idiot and I can't tell if he means it or if he's just an idiot. Maybe your stupid boyfriend hit him too hard—yeah, I said that, you bastard! Boyfriend. BOYFRIEND. What the hell are you gonna do about it?

You still piss me off, though! Chigi!

Lovino Vargas

PS: Antonio says hi.

PSS: England is an idiot.

PSSS: Dammit, Carriedo! Just can't get used to that...


	184. Egyptian Bastard

Dear Egyptian Bastard,

I talked to Bella. And my neighbor. You know what they said? They don't know what happened to Grandpa Rome. Weird, huh? Really weird. It's weird, isn't it? I mean, he just so happens to be one of the most famous countries of all time, and then he goes missing. Weird, isn't it?

You know what, damn it all to—YOU KILLED HIM, DIDN'T YOU?! You beat the crap out of him and kicked him in the balls, didn't you? He was a BEAST and you did something horrible to him, didn't you? Don't bother replying—I know you did, you stupid Egyptian bastard! Twinkies said he was in YOUR JAIL, which means he was in YOUR COUNTRY, which means he must have DIED AT YOUR HANDS because he was IN YOUR COUNTRY, so that makes YOU at FAULT! I mean, I hated the bastard's guts, too, but I wouldn't just go commando and kill everyone! I mean, he was a COUNTRY, dammit! The fuck—how do you even KILL a country? I didn't even know it was possible, but Twinkies says you can, so I'll bet you know—and that damn English bastard knows, too, because he's got that crappy book that Luxembourg probably wants to tear to shreds and I don't care, I agree with her because he's a dumb bastard anyway—but you are even more of a bastard than that bastard is! I don't care if you're famous and shit—I want to know what happened to my grandpa!

Don't rush, though, because I'm kind of hoping he did get the shit kicked out of him.

I still hate you,

Lovino Va—dammit, Carriedo, jeez

PS: Cat's are witch familiars, right? Then why the hell is that stupid English bastard so afraid of his? It's your fault.


	185. Delayed Reply from Egypt

**Dear Romano,**

Excuse my delayed letter, if you will. The revolution ravaging my country has worn my nerves down. I nearly smacked your brother the other day, as he was attempting to steal my cats. First the idiot tries to conquer me, now he wants my cats…answer me this honestly: does your brother have some sort of mental issue? I would assume he does—who else sobs after watching The Room and what person would torture themselves that way?—but I could be mistaken.

Twinkies told me she's explained our past with you, so I will make this explanation as simple as possible: I do not know where your grandfather has gone.

After Twinkies had warped back to her own time, I sent a league of guards to escort Grandfather Rome to the dungeons. He walked rather strangely and looked around as if he were following the flight pattern of a fly. There was a puzzled look in his eyes, but, at the time, I wasn't sure whether I wanted to kill him or not, and I couldn't have cared if he were actually confused or not. I had him locked in one of the safest and smallest cells I had below the Palace of Thebes.

Later that evening, I went to visit him, to ask why he had inflicted such pain on everyone without any remorse. When I arrived at the dungeon, the guards were playing a game of dice. One got up to check the cell and hurried back into the lounge a moment later, exclaiming, "The prisoner is gone!"

I nearly slaughtered them all there in that room I was so incredibly furious. The only reason I spared them was because I had fled the room in desperation. My men and I searched Egypt high and low for your grandfather, but he had somehow escaped me. It eludes me to this day—a mystery no man has been able to solve, a legitimate "Age-Old Riddle."

Your brother could be hallucinating, but he might also be correct. If your delirious grandfather could escape my Dungeon Tomb, then anything is possible. I lean more towards hallucination, but it's your opinion that matters…I would take him to a doctor just to be safe.

I end this letter on a hopeful note: Grandfather Rome is a country, a powerful country, and he could not have died. Yet. Search for him. I'm afraid I cannot offer you hints—I have none—but, if you would like help, I would be honored to assist you. I have long since forgiven your grandfather for his sins. The Library of Alexandria proves that. I will willingly come to your call whenever you need me.

Farewell,

Gupta Hassan

PS: I trust your honeymoon is going well. With this letter, I send both you and Antonio my most ardent blessings.


	186. Grandfather Bastard

**Dear Grandfather Bastard,**

If you find this, then keep reading, you damn bastard.

You've been missing long enough, you greedy asshole. Don't you think? You probably have a huge, thick beard that all the damn birds sleep in, right? I mean, I don't really give a shit, but I'd at least like to know where you are. Feliciano does, too.

Gupta—you know, Egypt—says that you probably don't remember anything. Feliciano says he saw you. Of course you'd go see HIM and not me. I mean, he is your favorite.

That used to piss me off. Knowing I was second best, I mean. Now, I could give a shit. It's not worth it anymore. Neither are you. If you were a real country—a real man—you'd come talk to me, you stupid bastard. Maybe you should explain what happened to dad, too. To Feliciano. I've been trying to decide whether or not I should tell him. But you know what? I'm not gonna tell him. I don't have to. It's not my place. It's YOURS. YOU tell him, creep.

If you even have a little bit of compassion or sympathy or honor or anything, you'll come see us. And not just Feliciano because he loves you and he's gullible and naïve. You need to come talk to ME. I'm done playing games with you. You're the one who wanted to ship me off to Spain so that Antonio wouldn't take your precious Feliciano. That was actually the only good idea you've ever had.

Maybe you've heard, but I'm married now. I'm Lovino Veneziano Carriedo now. Connected the damn dots yet? That's right—Antonio isn't playing anymore games, either. None of us are. You thought he was going to keep me forever, didn't you? Away from my homeland, my country. Did you care? Probably not. I'm glad you got rid of me, though. If you hadn't, I'd still be some little gullible, mind controlled slave. I'm glad I'm not. No more skeletons in closets and all that bullshit. I think this means I'VE gotten rid of YOU.

Fuck you for now,

Lovino Carriedo

PS: By the way, do you remember a short girl with long, frizzy hair—the girl who helped kick your army's ass when you were trying to kill Gupta? You had her out in the square, you were going to execute her and some others? Well, she's my neighbor now. I'd watch out if I were you, I don't know whether or not she likes you yet. She might just scream your ears out like she does to me every other day.


	187. From a Worried Antonio

**Lovino,**

I would come in, but last time I tried you threw a lit candle at me and then threatened to strangle me. I'm worried about you. You've been in the study for the last four hours, scribbling away furiously. Just what are you doing in there?

Antonio


	188. To a Worried Antonio

Antonio, not right now, I'm doing something. Go throw bread at birds or something.

Lovino


	189. Feliciano Bastard

**Dear Feliciano,**

I'm boarding the damn plane right now, but this letter better reach you before I get home. If that ball sucker postman bastard doesn't deliver this in time, I'll kick his ass!

You said Grandpa came to you one night, right? Well why the fuck didn't you grab him and put him in custody?! Oh, right, because you're a fucking PANSY that needs to MAN UP. And I mean it this time—man the hell up! If that idiot comes by any time soon, especially tonight, I want you to knock the FUCK out of him and wrap him up! I don't care what the hell you use—duck tape, rope, bed sheets, toilet paper—anything, just WRAP HIM UP AND MAKE SURE THE BASTARD CAN'T ESCAPE! Don't let him go ANYWHERE until I get home!

If he tries to sweet talk you, beat the shit out of him and then slap him with a damn fish just for the hell of it! If he so much as steps ten inches outside your door, I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU. JUST DON'T LET HIM ESCAPE THE HOUSE. Go find that potato bastard and get him to help you, call Hungary over if you want, maybe even Luxembourg or that Swiss bastard or the damn navy, just call in anyone! Call in some backup and take the son-of-a-bitch DOWN. He's not going to screw with our pasts anymore, I'll make sure of it.

Once again: If Grandpa Rome (GRANDPA ROME, grandpa rome, Grandpa Rome, Gramps, Rome, Classical Italy/Rome, Dumbass Rome) comes tonight or any other night, you TACKLE HIM with HELP and LOCK HIM UP. If he gets away, I WILL MURDER YOU.

See you soon,

Lovino

PS: Has it really been PPS this whole time? I thought…DON'T QUESTION MY LOGIC, DAMMIT!


	190. Mailplan From Feliciano

**Dear Fratello,**

Ciao, fratello! I got your leter, so I've mailed one back to you! See? I even mailed it like a paper airplan. That's it—a mailpan? Do you get it, fratello? Do you? Aren't I clever?

:-)

But, fratello, I'm a little scared. Grandpa Rome is family, I can't hurt him too bad! I would be really really sad if he got hurt. But I will do my best to catch him. It'll be like old times, like back in the war! Kinda like when I tried to capture Egypt!

Oh, and Ludwig and Kiku are here with me eating sushi. Kiku makes reaaaaaaaaally good food! You shoud try it, fratello. Oh, and they say hi!

Ciao~

Feliciano

**Meanwhile:**

** "WHAT THE FUCK?!" Lovino exclaimed, pulling the 'mailplan' taut between his fingers. His eyes bugged out of his skull as he glared at the clean, lined paper. He was completely oblivious to everyone else surrounding him; their eyes were wide and astonished as they boarded the plane. Antonio leaned over Lovino's shoulder curiously, squinting to make sense of the calligraphy. "HOW THE HELL DID THIS DAMN THING GET HERE SO QUICKLY?!"**


	191. Hey Man

**Hey Man,**

Hey, what's up? I heard you were on a hunt for your grandpa. Kiku told me the other night…and he also said you failed harder than an American in China Town. Sorry about that.

So I know I probably influenced all this and you're probably pissed that I just straight out reminded you of your failure and compared it to an American. But come on, have a sense of humor; I'm American and I can laugh at myself. I went to China Town once. Everyone stared at me and some guy on a bicycle almost ran me over while he was screaming, "Yúchǔn dì měiguó rén!" or something like that. I'm pretty sure he was complimenting me.

Anyway, I'm sorry that you fail at life and all. It would suck to be a doormat who just wants to nag everyone and feed people's turtle doves chocolate so that they'll have a weird reaction and die. Well, better you than me. But I'll give you some advice since I'm a pretty nice person: If you want something done, do it yourself. I mean, did you really think Feliciano was actually gonna to hold someone captive? No, dude, get real. He couldn't even ride the teacups last time we went to Disneyland. Kiku said he didn't even say anything about Grandpa Rome; he probably forgot you even mentioned him. I mean, Feliciano is a sweetheart and he's loyal as hell and he knows exactly what to say to make you feel better about yourself and he makes some of the best food, but he's just not a violent person. He couldn't catch Grandpa Rome; he's too worried and way too ADD to keep his attention on one thing. But I wouldn't worry. I'm sure you'll catch him next millennium.

Later!

Twinkies

PS: Hope your honeymoon went well! I'll bet Antonio had a ball!


	192. From NTW

**Dear Romano,**

Just to let you know now, I signed a very worded letter to government in your name. They may feel offended by my/your letter, so they may (or not) come into your house with guns, threatening to shot or arrest you.

Good luck,

NTW


	193. NAW Bastard

**Dear NAW Bastard, Whatever the Hell Your Name Is,**

You did WHAT? Damn it all to hell, I'm pissed off, but this makes me feel a whole damn lot better! Looks like I found my new advocate; do something for me and go write a letter to the bastards who keep writing episodes for Bleach. It's been a couple years, and 300 episodes later, it's still going! Not even Hetalia has been going on THAT long and our episodes are only five minutes! Government sucks—especially that damn potato bastard's. And that American bastard's, Alfred's! His government is CRAP, crappier than FUN.'s concert at the Grammys.

But I agreed when that dumbass lead singer said, "I don't know what I was thinking writing the chorus for this song. If you have HD you can see us, and we are not young." I fucking agree with that—I look like I'm 20, but I'm OLD. Hell, I don't even know how my damn grandpa has stuck around for so long! He's OVER TWO THOUSAND YEARS OLD, not even GUPTA is THAT old.

Can you tell I'm pissed? Because I'm PISSED! That ball sucking bastard of a grandfather escaped us last night—I told Feliciano to grab him, but that idiot just let him run right out the damn door! Or something like that. But, dammit, he failed me! I know we're supposed to love our family and all that BS, but come ON! I wish he could be a little more useful instead of crying in the damn kitchen corner all night long! And then that damn neighbor of mine sent me some damn hate mail and annoyed the crap out of me—but she told me something important.

I want this done, so I'm gonna do it myself, dammit.

Wish me luck, even though I don't need it,

Romano

PS: I did NOT feed my neighbor's damn bird chocolate, I swear! It was someone else, probably Ludwig. He had to babysit her stupid parrot last month and he didn't let it out of its cage because he was too stupid to realize its wings were clipped. He was an idiot in the first place; blame HIM.


	194. Dear Countries, Bastards, And the Works

**I Can't Believe I'm Doing This...**

**Dear Countries, Bastards, And...Uh, the Works, **

I need some back-up. For a very serious, very personal mission. And don't you say it's not, because it is.

I'm gonna capture my old man.

Yep, I'm gonna catch Grandpa Rome. And I…well…dammit—I need YOUR HELP. I can't do it unless you bastards help me, all right? It's not a single-man job, the bastard's too elusive! I tried that last night; I set up a damn bear trap and everything. Hell, I even had laser lights, I rented a wild, hostile Houndoom from Asia, bought a rifle with a laser scope, and all that bull shit. I even stayed up all night, but the damn bastard must have snuck right by me!

What a slippery bastard.

So, yeah, fuck—I need your help to capture this guy. I can't explain why now, but I will later…if I feel like it. So fuck you; I'm a country, too. I don't have to tell you anything! And Bulgaria, if you don't help me, I'll tell everyone you wet the bed! I'll fucking do it, too! Don't try me, you bastard, just don't!

Cuba, America, Rafael, Twinkies, Luxembourg—everyone—help me the hell out. When have I ever asked for help in such a pitiful, downgrading way? And I'm admitting it, too! Jeez, the things I do on this damn blog…like women and their "fashion." I don't even keep up with that crap anymore...

Damn you all to hell,

Romano

PS: Egypt, you are a bastard. You want to know why? This is all YOUR fault for letting him escape your crappy prison and his crappy cell! If you'd just pay more attention, he would have never gotten away!

PSS: I BLAME YOU.


	195. A Letter of Esteem for Lovino

**Dear Lovino,**

Tell us when, where and what to bring, we'll help you! Trust me, my hermano and I are experts at catching people, capturing them, the works. And as for Isabel, she may look frail, but she knows how to handle a gun, learned from the best I might add.

We'll bring all we have to capture that sneaky grandfather of yours! But you still have to explain why, tambien, I don't want to go back to my revolution phase and simply shoot down the guy. Anyways...I'll be glad to help since you're technically part of the family now. Again, I'll try not to bug you...that much-not making any promises, though.

Manuel, Isabel and I will meet up at your place soon and we can work out a plan.

Your new brother-in-law (holy crap that sounded weird...),

Rafael

PS: Did you tell Antonio we wished him a happy birthday? And we still haven't paid the priest back the money for the damages at the wedding...


	196. E-Mail Bastards

**Received E-Mails:**

**All Received on the Same Day Within the Same Minute**

o

**Dear Lovino:**

I am very willing to assist you. Feliciano is mortified, as we both know, but I know he'll come around. After all, family is family; we all reconcile at some point.

I also know we don't exactly…get along, but I am determined to ignore this for the sake of the mission and the answers that have yet to be determined.

Ludwig

o

**Dear Lovino,**

Well count me in, Just tell me where to meet, what to bring,and what to do. I think I have stuff in the back shed that might help. Oh and people tell me that I'm quiet...too quiet. I can be walking next to them for a for a few minutes and they don't notice that I am there at all until, I speak (sometimes not even then) to them. It funny to see their reaction afterwords. I have also heard a few things through this (like rumors and confession secret information that no one expects...). I'll help you catch your grandfather. I trust that it is for a good cause.

A quirky...Spamano Fangirl,

Vanne-Nessa

o

**Dear Romano:**

YOU of ALL people need help? Well, then I guess I'm in, Lovino! I mean, why not? One nation helps another, eh? That's how things work; that's the way we are. Hell, it's the way my momma raised me, and I can't dishonor my mom!

I'm in, Lovino. Just say when and where—I'll be there.

Your Friend,

Norway

o

**Dear Romano,**

I suppose we haven't been the best of friends, but…well, yes, I'd be willing to assist you. I mean, this relentless war can't go on forever, can it? I don't really like you and you don't really like me—I guess that's something we have in common?

Well, anyway, I'd like to know what's going on, but I'm sure you'll explain everything in time. I can't believe I'm saying this, but yes—I'm in.

Sincerely,

England

o

**So Romano:**

I hate you, you hate me, we can't stand Grandpa Rome—so let's just be badass and make a tag team. That's right: Mission Accepted, bro! I'll take on that asshole for ya!

And in the meantime, I can bully you. It'll be like old days—me wanting to kill you, you wanting to avenge your invisible dignity—but at least we can bully each other, right? Let's do it, man!

Turkey

o

**Yo Romano!  
**

You want help, dude—you got it! Wanna know why? Because I'm America, Land of the Awesome and Brave and Stuff! I don't know who the hell Grandpa Rome is (I've heard about him, but, dude, he was alive, like, ten billion years ago), but I'll totally help you out! That's what America does, anyway: help people become just as awesome as I am! Hahahahahah!

Rock on, dude!

America

o

**Dear Romano,**

You are wanting help, yes? Well, I give it to you. My country has several nukes in case you are in want of some. Feel free to ask.

Russia

o

**Lovino,**

Hey, man. Finally ready to face your fears and all that BS? I realize we don't really like each other, but somehow, we've maintained two houses side by side, ya know? I wanna help you because I…because I…I want to…I want to—blow stuff up! Yeah. That's the definite reason right there! Yup!

But I just want you to know that I'm behind you, all right? And I don't really care that you killed my turtle dove; it's fine. It was always pecking the shit out of me all the time, anyway, so I could really care less. I was just a little frustrated because I had some problems going on. Like last week, when my Internet connection went out…that was your fault, wasn't it? Yeah, I knew it.

Anyway, I'm at your side! Well, I'm right next door, anyway.

Supercalafredulistic…Never mind,

Twinkies

o

**Dear Romano:**

I'll gladly assist you. I've got my own personal grudges to lay to rest, my own skeletons in my downstairs closets. No, I literally have skeletons down there.

Anyway, I'm in. I hate that bastard. I'm ALL in, and I rarely say what I don't mean. You know that.

Time, Location, Place; I'll be there.

Romania

o

**Romano:**

I will gladly assist you, however I disagree with all this being my fault. Twas not my hand by which he escaped through my prisons, but by a traitor. I am not sure of it, but I advise you to be careful.

What? Where you expecting me to be insulted by your announcement? I have lived more than a hundred years, Romano, and I have an abundance of patience, abundance of tolerance. I swear to you over this written document that I shall do everything in my power to help you capture your grandfather, but I refuse to fight with you. I have since learned what my mother had sought to teach me: It is important to know how to wield a sword, but true courage and wisdom is when you show mercy.

My Esteem,

Egypt

o

Hahaha! Bulgaria wets the bed—HAHAHAHAHAH!

I'm so fucking in!

**Cuba**

o

**D-Dear Romano,**

I wou—would be honored to h—help you capture your gra—grandfather. I—I m—mean, if you—you'll let me…

B—Bye,

Canada

o

**Romano:**

So, you're totally gonna do this? Like, really? Because, if so, I'm totally in!

Like, I don't really know Grandpa Rome or, like, anything like that, but, yeah, I would totally help you out. Bringing a country to justice sounds, like, so cool! Totally like James Bond, you know?

Like, hell yeah,

Poland

o

**Romano,**

We will gladly assist you in capturing your Grandpa.

The Baltics

PS: Don't tell Russia!

o

**Dear Romano,**

I will assist you, aru. It is the least I could do for another country.

Also remember to try my new tasty strawberry snacks, aru!

China-aru

o

**Dear Lovino-san,**

It would be my pleasure to assist you. I have heard many a story of Grandfather Rome; stories that satirize him, stories that call him a blessed hero, and stories that declare he is a tyrant. I cannot say for sure what I believe, but I am determined to discover his true persona for myself.

Your Friend,

Japan and Hong Kong

o

**Dear Romano:**

Well, Austria doesn't want to help, but I do! It in the honorable thing to do to bring a nation to justice!

Hungary

0

**Romano,**

I hate you. And I hate Grandfather Rome.

I will assist you—if you promise to let me punch him.

Luxembourg

o

**Dearest Lovino,**

I'll take this as a chance to redeem myself in your eyes. I definitely WILL help you, my old friend!

And by the way, would you like to meet for coffee this Saturday? Just a warning: Turkey might be there.

Love and Blessings,

Bella

o

**Romano.**

I'll help.

Belarus

o

**Dear Romano,**

I will help you! I very much admire you and your strength for going through with this. I hope you know there is no turning back now!

But do not worry about it; we countries are here with you. I have your back! It is in my closet.

Is that how the pun goes?

Blessings,

Ukraine

o

**Romano,**

Hon hon hon….if the others are going to assist you, then I suppose I shall, too.

Adieu,

France

o

**Dear Romano,**

We've only met during fútbol tournaments, but I think we can get along just fine. We do not know your grandfather all too well, but if a country is asking for help, than who are we to refuse?

Your Friends,

Brazil and Argentina

o

**Dear Romano,**

Greeting from Haiti, my friend! You are in need of assistance and I cannot refuse to help. I know very much about suffering and oppression, injustice and adversity, and I relate to your situation.

I had to stop my brother when he threatened to bomb my country. However, those were very frightening times and one does not forget fear or misery all so easily. I sense you are also in misery and I would like nothing more than to fly out this evening and come to your country. I shall be there by the early morn.

Blessings, My Friend,

Haiti

o

**Romano,**

Yeah, yeah, we shall assist. Countries assist each other, the works.

But know this, loser: We are not stopping our war for you! You got that?

Iraq/Iran

o

**Romano,**

Of course we will assist.

Sincerely,

India and Bangladesh

o

**Your Google Account Is Now Full**

**Incoming E-Mails: Over 9,000**


	197. England Bastard, Also on England's Blog

**Dear England Bastard,**

Uh, thanks, I guess…

I still hate you though, you stupid bastard with your stupid eyebrows and your crappy food. And, now, your crappy cat. My turtle, Lovino Jr., can take on your damn cat ANY DAY, you just pick a place!

Whatever, I guess,

Romano


	198. Idiots and Bastards

**Idiots and Bastards,**

Thanks for, uh…helping me, and whatever. It means a lot to me that you guys are gonna help me out with this. And you bastards are so damn stiff—assist, assist, assist. That's all I heard, you assholes!

But…well…yeah, you guys are a bunch of bastards if you think this is gonna be easy! Not even Lovino Jr. was able to grab that bastard, and his jaw was clamped in his hair! Well, that's what he told me, anyway. But that's not the point—if my own flesh and blood turtle couldn't capture Grandpa Rome, that he's going to be difficult as HELL, like a boss battle off The Legend of Zelda.

Link VS Ganondorf, dammit!

Anyway, thanks…uh, a lot. You guys are such assholes and I hate most of you, but thanks anyway.

See you on the field—tonight, we dine in hell,

Romano

PS: No one answer this with some crappy Troll 2 quote.

PSS: I mean you, American bastard.


	199. Love, Antonio

**My Love,**

I'm very proud of you, Lovi. I mean, crap! You're finally going to face your grandpa, and that really means you're going to be facing your past as well! It's complicated, I know, and I want you to know that I'm right behind you. I'm going to always be there; if you need support, you can lean on me.

I really, really love you.

I want to help in any way I can! I know I don't normally write these really serious letters that make people cry and all that, but I couldn't help it this time. I just really love you! And, God, am I proud of you! So I want to help however I can, okay? I'll do all in my power to assist you!

Estoy aquí, tan enamorado de ti

Que la noche dura un poco más

El grito de una ciudad

Que ve nuestras caras la humedad

Y te haré compañía, mas allá de la vida

Yo te juro que arriba te amaré más

Te quiero!

Antonio

PS: Tan Enamorados; it's a kickass song, no?

C:

PPS: I'm really excited now! I haven't been this excited since the time Twinkies and I stalked Egypt in a shrub costume!


	200. Can't Believe This, Bastards

**Holy Hell, Here We Go:**

All right, you bastards. Easter is on its way here, and it ticking closer as you read this letter. And while I'm writing it.

Anyway, I set this to you all because I have a date. Not a literal date, I mean one for the history books! This Wednesday night,we are going to finally capture Grandpa Rome and tear off his wig—if he has one. If he does, than it will add to his shame and misery. Fuck yeah, I'm going ALL OUT on this one!

So this is it. This is the start of something fucking crazy, but if you guys help me out, then I think we can breeze right through this bull crap. I'm ready to finally get this guy! It's like COPS or something—hell, I don't care, I'm just ready to go! You bastards better be, too, if you wanna catch this son-of-a-bitch. I need you all to grab your guns, bear traps, man-eating lions, baseball bats, tasers, or whatever else you've got in your closets.

And I don't mean skeletons, Romania!

You guys can beat him up, but DO NOT KILL HIM. HE MUST NOT FUCKING DIE OR I SWEAR TO GOD I'M GOING TO USE YOU ALL FOR GRAM CRACKERS WITH MY S'MORES. ALL RIGHT? Just don't kill him and I won't kill you.

Besides, he's a country anyway. We've gotta dispel his divinity if we're gonna do anything drastic like that. England, bring your spell book. We're gonna need that. And maybe some of you guys should bring trip wire or whatever. Belarus, you have an Iron Maiden in your basement, right? Well, bring the damn thing. Russia, I can't really stop you from bringing your damn pipe, so whatever, just bring it with you. America, if you fuck up, your ass is going on my mantle. Don't piss me off—I'm not in the mood.

The plan is that we're going to use Feliciano as bait. A couple of us will be hiding in the closet, three will be under the bed, four will be outside the window on top of ladders or something, eight will be on the balcony, and, jeez, I don't know, a couple of you hide behind the door or something. When you see him, wait until he's just a few inches away from you. THEN attack—either knock his ass out or drag his ass to the ground, I don't care which, just incapacitate him! Anything will work, just DON'T LET HIM ESCAPE! At all!

I think that's about it for now. Now let's get ready to be the assholes of the week.

Romano

PS: Twinkies, don't piss me off. Antonio, Feliciano, and Kiku already talked me into letting you help. Don't make me regret that. Pretend this is Jailbreak, okay? I'm the warden, and YOU HAVE TO DO WHATEVER THE FUCK I SAY. Capiche?

PSS: Toni can come, America, I don't care.

PSSS: France, you could sound a bit more enthusiastic. Pretend that, if we capture Grandpa Rome, a new Halo game is going to be released. Can you do that, you stupid bastard?

PSSSS: I don't care if the States come, but I don't think they're all going to fit under the bed and in the closet or behind the door or on the balcony.

PSSSSS: Turkey, I can't promise I won't try to kill you. Kamehameha, whatever the hell that crap is.

PSSSSSS: And dammit—NO PARTYING LIKE A TIME LORD, Gilbert! I got your message this morning, and Time Lords are NOT awesome. Just shut the hell up, why am I even letting you come…


End file.
